I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been feeling all funky lately. It’s not that I really think I’m a “fuck-up,” per se. It’s just that I know that I’m not living up to my own potential, as cheesy as that sounds.
Anyone who really knows me knows that I always, always have unfinished projects. Even if I were to quit my job and work on my unfinished projects and ideas for projects like it was my job, I would still have things to keep me busy probably until my mid-life crisis, at least. I also have what the Chinese call “monkey-mind” — that is, my attention span isn’t what I’d like it to be. Sure, once I get into a given project, I can work on it for hours and stay up way too late. That’s no problem. The problem is getting started and sticking with something, either on the short-term or the long-term.
For instance: I know I need to finish my portfolio and send out some follow-up letters to potential employers. But when I sit down at my desk, I hate the fact that it’s a paper-stacked disaster area, and I don’t feel like I can properly concentrate, much less find the papers I need. So I tell myself that I need to clean it before I do job-hunting work. But I either start cleaning it and get discouraged at the amount of work it’ll take to do it right, or I never even start because I keep putting it off by doing other things I find that “need” to be done and are more enjoyable.
This is all bullshit. Piddly bullshit. When I’m in the middle of it, I don’t realize what a lamer I’m being. After the fact, when it’s late at night or when I’m at work, I feel like a lazy idiot.
And what do I do when I’m in the middle of needing to do all this important crap? I pay to join an Aikido dojo. Ostensibly, it should help me focus my energies better and deal with issues with my comfort zone and my insecurity in new situations and blah blah blah. In reality, I’m afraid that’ll be several hours a week when I’m not doing what I “should” be doing, and then I’ll end up obsessing over my incompetency in Aikido on the off-days. Now I’m trying to justify not being a quitter, sticking with it for at least until next month’s Basic Seminar, when I feel deep down like I really shouldn’t have joined up in the first place. This is why I try not to be spontaneous about things like this.
I feel like all I can do is plan out my evenings in detailed fashion, and do my best to follow my plan, no matter what I’d rather be doing. I feel good about myself when I accomplish the one or two things I wanted to do in an evening. For instance, this evening I’m planning to feed the cat, start dinner, work out (upper body — my thighs are still stiff from aikido), eat dinner while I watch Good Eats on Food Network, spend 30 minutes checking email and blogs, then clean the top of my desk and get it sorted into hanging folders. If, after that, I have some time left over before I need to wash dishes and make tomorrow’s lunch, I’m sure I’ll find something to take care of, like watering my poor neglected houseplants.
I also hate the fact that I make such a big deal out of how to solve my weird, silly non-issues. I want to be like Aaron, whose ultra-basic philosophy involves a.) sit down at your desk and b.) do what needs to be done. End of story. What’s the big issue?
Hell if I know.