Tired Of This

Several years ago: New Year’s Eve at Aaron’s apartment on Enterprise in BG. After a long evening of adult beverages, food, and video games, I find myself lying on Aaron’s bed, with the room spinning around me. “I don’t want to be drunk anymore,” I say, as rationally as possible. Aaron patiently puts me to bed to sleep it off.

Last week: Bronchitis. The first case I can remember having — or at least, having officially diagnosed (I couldn’t remember back when I had it at age one). One week after being diagnosed and getting prescription meds, I find myself still hacking and coughing and not yet at 100%. “I don’t want to be sick anymore,” I say, between coughs, knowing full well that only time and meds will cure what ails me.

Now. Overweight. Still, after years of struggling (sometimes all-out, sometimes admittedly half-assed). I see myself in a video, full-length, doing aikido, looking frumpy and out of shape and unattractive. And it hits me: “I don’t want to be fat anymore,” I say to myself.

I’m steadily losing a pound and a half per week, and have been doing so since January. I’ve lost nine pounds, give or take. If I keep going at this rate, I could potentially be at my “ideal” weight by the end of August. I’m just so sick of looking and feeling the way I do, and so frustrated with the amount of time (and willpower and planning) it’s going to take to do it right.

I guess all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing. Keep moving in the right direction, one step at a time, and eventually I’ll get there. I’m still curious to see what I’ll look like in thirty pounds. It’s just… damn. I’m sick of being fat.

6 thoughts on Tired Of This

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  1. Exactly. After struggling with my weight too (I carry it all in the belly), I know what you mean. I work out 5-6 days a week with hard cardio and weights, and the weight just won’t go away. Just keep up the hard work, and keep on truckin’. That’s what I tell myself, so I have to believe it!

    Don’t stop believing that you can get to where you want to be. I know you can do it!

  2. when i went on the diet and felt bad that i had only lost 20 pounds gary told me to pick up the 20 lb bag of dog food. yes you have more to loose, but, diana pick up the dog food:) you have lost quit a bit already. look at some of the photos from just before or after your wedding. keep up the good work.

  3. still a bag of dog food. no one who has never been over weight can truly understand. at least you are still trying. that in it self is a plus

  4. dude. i only carried around a 10-pound horn and i still lost 20 pounds every summer. what if i would have played baritone instead of soprano and mellophone?

    or quads/tenors? wow, that would have been a workout and a half. whew.