Just Thinking

Yes, I know I should be in bed. This evening was a wash. I’m not sure what happened. I had detailed plans, a schedule, an agenda, and it all went to shit. I ended up playing 2½ games of Civilization Revolution on 360 instead of producing the Zen podcast and fixing my blog and exercising.


One interesting result of more people reading my blog, via Facebook or LJ whatever, is that I’m more careful about what I post. I mean, I’ve always tried to be careful when posting about other people, or about co-workers in particular — this is the internet, after all, and who knows where a post about a named individual could end up. The internet is a big place, and everybody knows somebody.

Anyway, that’s not the problem so much as is my new-found inhibition with blogging about myself. Used to be, I used my blog as a surrogate for my written journal of ages past. Detailing stuff that happened over the course of the day, talking through my mental bullshit, complaining about other people (albeit anonymously), complaining about myself.

But now… as the years have passed, I find that I’d rather not put all of this out on display. This is no longer just a communication between myself and a dozen friends from college. Now, my co-workers could potentially read it. The sangha (my Zen buddies) could read it. A future employer could read it.

Not that there’s anything I need to say that’s earth-shattering. It’s just that I’m less inclined to indulge in a giant pity party over nothing when I know that the normals are following along.

I just wish I could shake this funk. I don’t want to feel all blah like this, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to even locate my bootstraps, much less pull myself up by them.

Not fishing. Just thinking.

5 thoughts on Just Thinking

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  1. so. you weigh the least you’ve weighed since high school, you’ve got a good steady job in a total crap market that pays pretty well, two cars that work, a cat that’s healthy, a husband that loves you, a lovely home, every videogame system known to man, a school of thought that brings you occasional peace of mind, hobbies, freelance gigs, and a diet/support program that you’re sticking to and it actually works……and you’re in a funk because…??

    it better not be because some sexist toolshed doesn’t want to hit on you 😛 I will come over there and stab you in the face.

    but only because i love you 😀

    (also you have friends and family that love you.)

  2. ..i’m just SAYIN.

    but i forgot to SAYIN about the “not wanting to post junk” part.

    i kinda felt that way after a while with lj. also i noticed i only wanted to post when i was down, and then i’d force myself to post something happy and upbeat, but it didnt make me feel better, i just felt like i was lying. 😀 so i stopped posting. i was tired of the pity party atmosphere of my friends list, and didnt wanna be one of those people.

    blogging is different, i think, in that you can have the Well Thought Out Essay *and* the Quick, Here’s What’s Up Post.
    and i don’t have the skillz for the first one there, so my blog would pretty much be a livejournal. so i’m back to, “don’t wanna.”

    …i dunno where i was going with this. HI I’M EATING BREAKFAST.

  3. That’s why I post more personal stuff on MySpace. I can lock it down to certain people or private. Not that I’ve had much time or topic to blog on this that require heightened security, but it’s nice to have the option.

    Thankfully, my life is too boring and my time too minimal to develop my own thoughts that could offend anyone.

  4. It’s very smart to keep private things…well…private. There have been many stories going around about people who have done dumb stuff with their blogs, MySpace, Facebook, ect and it has come back to haunt them. Apologies have been issued and seemingly dream jobs lost because of this idiocy. So good thinking on your part.
    Remember, “this to shall pass” and your funk will soon move on. Just never lose sight of the goal.

  5. @sheryls – re: all the shit that’s going right. OMG I KNO. that’s why it’s so damn frustrating to feel this way. it’s like, half of me is all ‘someday maybe i’ll reach my goal weight. someday maybe i’ll be better at keeping the house clean. someday maybe blah blah blah’ and the other half of me is all ‘wtf is your problem?’

    @kris – yeah, i try not to post anything that would get me fired (aka dooced). i know that new teachers are having that problem, where semi-nudie myspace pics show up in a background check. even if you use a pseudonym or screen name (unlike me, who is pretty transparent), someone will figure you out. the next generation is going to have to be vigilant about that shit from an early age.