It’s been a while since I just posted a straight-up stream-of-consciousness blog post. I generally don’t feel comfortable posting what I’m actually thinking or feeling or doing or whatever anymore, what with everyone being all PRIVACY ONLINE OMG. But, tonight, I’m feeling that kind of down-on-myself tension that used to lead up to a long, handwritten journal entry back in the day.
I also don’t always feel comfortable posting about what’s bothering me because whoever’s involved with the situation will invariably come back to me later and comment that they didn’t realize that I was so upset that I had to resort to blogging about it.
That’s just how I roll. Or how I used to roll, anyway.
Nowadays, I just get down on myself and let it fester. If I’m not going to post it online, I should really write it in my private file offline, or even longhand in a notebook. I’m easily distracted, though, and end up reading entries in my notebook about past vacations or business trips, or recollections about weird dreams or painful experiences in my offline file, and I end up barely even writing about what I sat down to write about. Granted, I’m reminded that things aren’t nearly as bad as they could be, but still. Focus.
Focus. Organization. They’re sadly lacking in so many areas of my life.
Even Zen isn’t helping (the philosophical, thinking part of it, anyway. Meditation always helps). Even knowing that I’m a perfect example of a human being, that I’m the quintessential expression of the cosmos as this one little piece of consciousness* — it feels like I’m parroting the Dharma like a Zen Robot, as Sensei once said. <robot> I AM PERFECT AND COMPLETE, LACKING NOTHING</robot> Yeah. I just can’t accept what I consider to be character flaws as actually being quirks that make me me. I can’t just sit back and let them be OK. They’re not. *I’m* not. I need work.
Um. Was this supposed to make me feel better? Because it’s not.
Hey. You know what? I think I’m going to stop now, and play a game of something real quick before bed. Something NOT on my iPhone. Maybe some SimTower, or a little Civ IV. Take my mind off of being so pissy at myself for, well, being myself.
* Speaking of being this one little piece of consciousness… Does anyone else feel like Facebook is actually making their social interactions worse instead of better? I crave information about my friends and acquaintances, but it feels empty. Like they’re shouting to a crowded party, not actually talking to me. I think it’s time to temporarily remove the Facebook app from my iPhone.
🙁