dianaschnuth

I started May being all fired up and ready to do it right. Then I ate an Oatmeal Creme Pie and a big, processed frozen food dinner all in one day, and that somehow derailed my entire week. Once I go over my Weekly Allowance Points, I have trouble staying on-plan — hence that can of macaroni and cheese I enjoyed another day that same week after Connor went to bed.

After that, I made a rule that I don’t eat anything after Connor goes to bed — only drink tea or water. I even brush my teeth with Connor to keep myself from wanting to eat anything after his bedtime.

My May NSVs mainly center around clothes and compliments.

• I’ve been “shopping my closet” to find things I haven’t worn in a while, and I keep finding items that are way too big; my black half-wrap blouse that I once thought was too form-fitting is now too baggy to wear.
• My chiropractor commented at my last adjustment that I’d lost weight.
• Two co-worker/friends referred to me as “thin” in the same day. Now that’s an adjective I never thought anyone would apply to me.
• A co-worker from another department declared, “You’ve lost some weight!” when we crossed paths in the pantry area. (Question: Is it inappropriate to volunteer an amount of weight lost before the complimenter asks? I’ve had several people ask how much, so I’ve started volunteering the information, but sometimes that seems to make things awkward.)
• I appear to have shrunk from XL to L in blouses. I even bought one medium that fits. (Hooray for store closing sales and ThredUp!)
• Went back and tracked two days over the long weekend that I had initially skipped, even though it meant I officially went even farther off-plan.

Non-scale failwhale:

• Succumbed to a mid-morning Double Decker Oatmeal Creme Pie from the vending machine, after arguing with myself about how it wasn’t worth it, and how they make me feel like crap. I won, but I also lost, because it really did make me feel like crap.
• Ate a can of Chef Boyardee Macaroni and Cheese after Connor went to bed, even after I was a.) over my Points for the day, and b.) out of Allowance Points for the week.
• When a co-worker said she was going to get a bowl of salted caramel ice cream, I didn’t even try to stop myself from getting one, too.

My carrot-and-stick mini-goal strategy finally hit a hiccup: not only did I miss a mini-goal, and got stuck within less than of a pound of it for a few weeks, but I wasn’t sure what else to reward myself with. Amy bought me a purse for my birthday, and that had been my next reward idea. I could increase my allotted clothes budget by a certain amount when I reach a mini-goal, since I’ve been really into clothes shopping online lately, as I’ve dropped over fifteen pounds in the past four months. Honestly? Wearing newer, smaller, cuter clothes has become a reward in and of itself.

I did finally hit my mini-goal of weighing in at or below 180, three weeks after I’d originally planned to hit said goal. That means that I have less than ten pounds to go before my actual, real, not-mini Goal Weight of 170. I chose that number slightly arbitrarily — it’s just under the upper limit of the “healthy weight range” for my height: 139-174 pounds.

Now that I see what sub-180 looks like (and feels like) on me, I’m starting to compare myself against others of my height. I know that’s a dangerous and potentially ungood thing to do, but there it is. A co-worker of mine is my height, six months pregnant, and in the 140 range. (Yes, she’s extraordinarily thin, and much more willowy than I am.) A fitness blogger I follow is one inch shorter than me and in the 150 range. With those numbers in mind, and knowing how I feel physically right now, 160 is not an unreasonable goal for me.

(For reference, the last time I saw 160 — according to my records — was in November 1987, when I was in sixth grade and hadn’t yet hit my final growth spurt. The photo below is technically fifth grade, Spring 1987, since photos from My Awkward Time are thankfully few and far between.)

While I’m hesitant to adjust my goal right now, I also don’t want to “settle.” I won’t know what Goal is until I hit it. Until I feel healthy enough. Fit enough. Firm enough.

And maybe — no, no “maybe” about it — Goal is a state of mind, not so much a number on a scale. It’s a fitness level. It’s a comfort level. It’s feeling confident that I’m setting a good example for my family.

And it’s within reach.