Goals

I got to thinking today that I have a lot of stuff going on right now. I mean, I always have a lot of stuff going on, but I have important stuff going on. Like needing to find a job within a couple of months. And I kind of feel… rudderless. Which is ridiculous, I know, since my needs are pretty clear-cut. The thing is, though, that I haven’t set myself any definite goals.

So, here they are:

#1 – Secure a new job. Due date: September 21st.
#2 – Maintain weight. Due date: ongoing (or until I start a renewed weight loss plan).
#3 – Improve housekeeping. Due date: ongoing.

And, of course, each medium-term goal needs some short-term goals to keep it afloat:

  1. Submit one new job application/resume or complete one follow-up per day.
  2. Spend at least 30 minutes per day working on my portfolio site until it is complete.
  3. Attend at least one aikido class per week (not including special weekend seminars).
  4. Continue to walk at least 45 minutes per day.
  5. Tackle one small household chore per day.
  6. Make sure that all dishes are washed and the sink is empty before bed each night.

There are, of course, other tasks I could set myself, but I thought that these would be a good start. As I didn’t come up with my detailed list until just now, I’m going to wait until tomorrow to hold myself accountable for all of them. I’m intending to go to aikido on Wednesday (the short class), so that’s one down. I cleaned the garbage out of the yard today, so that’s my daily household chore. I haven’t gone to bed yet, so I can still wash dishes before I do so. And, of course, I took my daily lunchtime walk (that’s not much of a stretch, since it’s such a habit now).

(As a side note, it appears that the Toledo Blade no longer posts their normal classified want-ads online, but instead has a partnership with Monster.com. This is unfortunate, as I have no intention of buying that scab paper on Sundays. This curtails my job hunting considerably, but I will overcome.)

Hopefully, with some more focused goals in mind, I can start feeling like I’m actually making some progress toward something. Right now, I’m feeling like I’m just phoning it in, and Life is just kind of sailing on without me. I wouldn’t feel ready to jump on an unexpected opportunity if it presented itself right now, and that’s a sign that I need to step it up.

Shake it off… Too bad you get these great ideas when you’re just about to fall asleep at your desk, and can’t actually act on them. Meh.

Tomorrow! New day, fresh start, blah blah. *hype*

Bootstraps

I was stupidly depressed all day at work. Hadn’t gotten enough sleep, ended up showing up to work late, my cubemate was out at his new job orientation, and I had a crapload of tedious work to do.

At least my legs finally stopped being sore.

When I got home, Aaron set me right. First, he did his typical Make-Diana-Happy move of being a goofball and tickling me until I’m genuinely laughing. Which is cool. Then he asked me if I’m going to quit aikido, and I told him no. I’m planning to stick it out until the end of July, when the Basics Seminar is being held, then make my decision. He pointed out that all I did all damn weekend was talk about aikido, which means that I really enjoyed it. He also pointed out that this is different than anything I’ve ever done before, including drum corps, and I can’t expect to go into it and already be good at it. That would be absurd. I agreed.

After our aikido discussion, he reinforced the fact that I need to focus on just one project or goal each evening. Just one. If I’m going to clean my desk, clean my desk. Don’t start doing something else, *then* clean my desk, and don’t make a list of twelve things and then get upset when they don’t all get done. Set attainable goals, and attain them.

I really appreciated that. It was exactly the kind of talking-to that I needed.

Per the schedule I made for myself, my computer’s getting turned off in about fifteen ten minutes. Then I’ll wash the dishes, make my lunch (with plenty of carbs and protein to prepare for my aikido class), pack my gym bag, and get ready for bed. Lights out at 11pm, even if I’m not sleepy. Maybe setting myself a nighttime schedule will help me get myself on track.

Oh, by the way? I spent a good hour or more cleaning my desk while I listened to iTunes. It’s not completely clean yet, but it’s well on its way. Tomorrow is aikido, followed by (assuming I’m feeling up to it afterward) printing resumes and determining which potential employers I need to follow up with.

Man. Sometimes these days-long stretches of depression freak me out. They don’t happen very often, and it gets really hard to pull myself up and out.

I’m glad I had help.

Self-Diagnosis

I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been feeling all funky lately. It’s not that I really think I’m a “fuck-up,” per se. It’s just that I know that I’m not living up to my own potential, as cheesy as that sounds.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I always, always have unfinished projects. Even if I were to quit my job and work on my unfinished projects and ideas for projects like it was my job, I would still have things to keep me busy probably until my mid-life crisis, at least. I also have what the Chinese call “monkey-mind” — that is, my attention span isn’t what I’d like it to be. Sure, once I get into a given project, I can work on it for hours and stay up way too late. That’s no problem. The problem is getting started and sticking with something, either on the short-term or the long-term.

For instance: I know I need to finish my portfolio and send out some follow-up letters to potential employers. But when I sit down at my desk, I hate the fact that it’s a paper-stacked disaster area, and I don’t feel like I can properly concentrate, much less find the papers I need. So I tell myself that I need to clean it before I do job-hunting work. But I either start cleaning it and get discouraged at the amount of work it’ll take to do it right, or I never even start because I keep putting it off by doing other things I find that “need” to be done and are more enjoyable.

This is all bullshit. Piddly bullshit. When I’m in the middle of it, I don’t realize what a lamer I’m being. After the fact, when it’s late at night or when I’m at work, I feel like a lazy idiot.

And what do I do when I’m in the middle of needing to do all this important crap? I pay to join an Aikido dojo. Ostensibly, it should help me focus my energies better and deal with issues with my comfort zone and my insecurity in new situations and blah blah blah. In reality, I’m afraid that’ll be several hours a week when I’m not doing what I “should” be doing, and then I’ll end up obsessing over my incompetency in Aikido on the off-days. Now I’m trying to justify not being a quitter, sticking with it for at least until next month’s Basic Seminar, when I feel deep down like I really shouldn’t have joined up in the first place. This is why I try not to be spontaneous about things like this.

I feel like all I can do is plan out my evenings in detailed fashion, and do my best to follow my plan, no matter what I’d rather be doing. I feel good about myself when I accomplish the one or two things I wanted to do in an evening. For instance, this evening I’m planning to feed the cat, start dinner, work out (upper body — my thighs are still stiff from aikido), eat dinner while I watch Good Eats on Food Network, spend 30 minutes checking email and blogs, then clean the top of my desk and get it sorted into hanging folders. If, after that, I have some time left over before I need to wash dishes and make tomorrow’s lunch, I’m sure I’ll find something to take care of, like watering my poor neglected houseplants.

I also hate the fact that I make such a big deal out of how to solve my weird, silly non-issues. I want to be like Aaron, whose ultra-basic philosophy involves a.) sit down at your desk and b.) do what needs to be done. End of story. What’s the big issue?

Hell if I know.

Waiting For The Cloud To Pass

I don’t deal well with depression anymore. Now that I feel like I’m pretty “normal” most of the time — as opposed to ten or twelve years ago, when feeling pointless and uninspired was the norm for me — now that I’m usually OK, I don’t revel in this nastiness. I’d rather it be over.

But it’s just not that easy.

I feel like a very small person, mentally, when I can’t take constructive criticism; when I can’t gracefully accept someone else’s successes; when I can’t don’t keep bargains I’ve made with myself; when I’m reminded that I’m still kind of a fuck-up sometimes, despite being a 31-year-old “grown-up,” and that I already knew that I was a fuck-up, and that I just never fixed the problem. I hate getting down on myself for shit, instead of just fixing the shit and moving on.

Maybe I do still revel in this BS. If I didn’t, I’d just fucking pick myself up, shake myself off, and move on. Right?

*sigh*

I’m too tired to think about this shit right now. I need to chill out and go to bed. After I figure out what’s for lunch tomorrow.

Realization

I wrote a blog entry on Friday — at work, and e-mailed it to myself at home for posting later — about my shitty morning commute and how people pissed me off and how I reacted.

After sitting and stewing all Friday morning, then recovering all afternoon and getting back to normal, I came to realize that I was just being an asshole. The story really isn’t worth posting. Although I’m saving it in my Gmail for posterity. 🙂