To Everyone Who E-mails Me Forwards

Edit: Also: when you forward me pictures at work, please make sure they?re work-safe. A picture of a half-naked cowboy with his johnson strategically hidden behind a saddlehorn, while intriguing, does NOT qualify as work-safe.

Dear Friends, Co-workers and Relatives,

I do appreciate your desire to share something funny and/or meaningful. However, I have been on the internet for possibly twice as long as you have, which has given me more time to read the various forwards that are *still* circulating. This has also given me the time and opportunity to cultivate my discerning taste for internet humor.

In the interest of ceasing to waste my time and yours, I offer these points for you to peruse at your leisure:

  1. Before you forward any seemingly factual message, please, PLEASE consult This will nip 80% of forwards in the bud.
  2. I no longer sign internet petitions. If you think I’d be interested in signing the one you just got, I’ve probably already signed it in one of its former incarnations, especially the ones regarding NPR and the Taliban.
  3. No one is tracking the forwards you send. Not Bill Gates, not AOL, not [insert big-name ISP/corporation here]. No one is going to send you a check, or a pass to Disney World.
  4. Sit down for this one, folks: I don’t believe in God. At least, not the Judeo-Christian god, anyway. So, please stop sending me God forwards. I just roll my eyes and delete them. Sometimes I even read them first.
  5. Any forward, no matter how cute or amusing or touching, that has a tag line of “Forward this to at least [X many] people and your wish will come true!” or some other such drivel will get instantly deleted.
  6. I like photo forwards. Cute kitties and puppies and funny signs and WTF moments are appreciated… although chances are, I’ve already seen most of the good ones.
  7. I like jokes. Especially funny ones.

One final order of business: Please, PLEASE edit down the headers from all the dozen people this forward was sent to before it reached your inbox. I don’t care to know the lineage of the forward I’m probably about to delete anyway. In the same vein, please don’t send e-mail messages as attachments if you can help it. I think you AOL people are just screwed and have to send forwards that way, but everyone else should know better.

This concludes my Public Service message. Thank you.

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