mental health Leave a comment

Better Than OK Today

This morning, for the first time in a long time, I woke up happy.

I really don’t know why. Maybe it was the after effects of Connor’s choir concert last night. He had a really great time, everybody sounded fantastic, and one of his friends braided his hair backstage before the finale.

Maybe it was because I got a good amount of sleep—deep sleep, anyway. I didn’t get any more overall sleep than I usually do, but I got a lot more deep sleep than normal, if my Apple Watch is to be believed.

At any rate, whatever it was stayed with me all day. I’m not complaining. It really was weird, though: I felt almost normal. I didn’t feel like I was dragging. I didn’t feel that pressing strangeness of this menopause body I’ve been dealing with. I stood up straight and tall all day. I wasn’t tired.

My inner critic never spoke up out of turn. I didn’t guilt trip myself. I didn’t end up playing on my phone to escape boredom.

I want to capture this feeling of okay-ness and bottle it up for later.

I’m actually sitting outside as I write this. Connor is off at the karate dojo, helping out with the kids program. One of his friends who just got a car is going to be driving him home afterward, so that means my evening is completely and utterly free.

Every time this Connor goes out on a Friday, I never know what to do with myself. It’s a little bit silly, but when Connor’s not here, I actually feel a little bit lonely.

Even so, as I’m sitting outside in the evening air, feeling just a little bit lonely, and maybe a little out of sorts, I still don’t feel that usual weight of depression. Maybe it’s because I’m outside. Maybe it’s the angle of the sun and the change of the season. Whatever it is, though, I hope it sticks around. I’m tired of being tired.

gardening 1 Comment

Spring is Approaching

The tree peony is starting to put out fat, light red buds.

It’s been a typically Midwestern March this year. Hoodie weather one day, followed by short sleeves, followed by winter coat again. The severe winds last week caused power outages all over the region — at least three of my remote co-workers either had to rely on battery power and a Wi-Fi hotspot to continue working, or had to go completely offline until power was restored.

The early spring flora has been typical, as well, despite all the fluctuations in temperature. The tree peony pictured above is putting out some fat buds, despite being in generally poor health overall. I’m seeing the daffodils in the front garden start to show signs of blooming, and I definitely saw at least one Dutch iris in bloom yesterday in the back flowerbed. (I need to get more of those — they’re a welcome harbinger of spring every time I see them.)

This is the ever-so-brief window of Very Early Spring when the snow has melted and the temperature is tolerable enough to get out and do some cleanup before new growth emerges. I’ve been going out for at least a few minutes during my lunch break this past week to take care of things like cutting down volunteer trees, pulling up dead vines and weeds, and pruning away dead branches from perennials.

I can make a good amount of headway by just stepping outside at lunch. No agenda, just spend time outside. I found myself being especially productive after it had been raining and there was nowhere dry to sit and just enjoy the outdoors. 😄

Every year, my goal is to make my garden more sustainable for my benignly-neglectful gardening style. Fewer fussy plants, more natives, see what volunteer plants the local birds sow from other gardens. I try not to get disappointed in myself for not being a better caretaker; all gardens are a work in progress, and a learning experience.

I’m feeling optimistic this spring.