As I was rifling through a box of old papers the other day, I came across some amusing documentation of college that hadn’t yet made it into a scrapbook: the never-completed Amy & Diana FAQ, circa 1997, for all those fluffies in the dorm who wondered aloud outside our dorm room door what the fuck we were all about; The Rules of Life, also circa 1997, recorded as necessary on a piece of notebook paper just inside our dorm room door; and All The Rooms In Hell, recorded on a piece of notebook paper next to The Rules of Life.
These snippets of my bizarre college life I will now share with you.
The Amy & Diana FAQ
Q: Do they really have a bear’s head in there?
A: Yes — his name is Ben, and you can come in and meet him if you’d like.
Q: Are they lesbians or something?
A: No, we just don’t like you. (P.S. Diana has had a boyfriend for 2 years now.)
Q: What the hell is that noise?
A: It depends… most likely:
If it has horns — BossToneS, Pietasters, Madness
If it involves screaming — Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Henry Rollins
If you’re still not sure — Sugar, Catherine Wheel, Matthew Sweet, Afghan Whigs, Sponge, or maybe a band you know, but only the song that hit the top 10.
Thump = you’re being too loud. It’s 4am, for God’s sake.
Giggles + “Oh My God” != orgy.
= we are making fun of you.
(NOTE: The Amy & Diana FAQ was never completed, unfortunately. If it were, it may have included questions about our religious backgrounds and beliefs, our majors, and our study habits, amongst other more crass facts.)
The Rules of Life
- You don’t piss Mel off.
- You don’t annoy Mr. Wardeska.
[NOTE: These first two rules were codified by my friend Mel back when I was in High School. I don’t know if they still stand, but I think they must.]
- Don’t call Diana when you’re drunk. (4/7/97)
corollary: unless you need a ride and I can give one. Don’t Drive Drunk! (4/7/97)
- Don’t piss off Mr. Caterpillar. (4/13/97)
- *You may NOT judge a belch/burp on a negative scale. (4/15/97)
- Do not slam the door that hard. (4/17/97)
- Don’t go Krogering on an empty stomach. (4/17/97)
corollary: If you’re Diana, don’t do anything on an empty stomach.
(especially drink 151 Rum + Cokes — 4/22/97)
- Never expect anything. (5/2/97 – remembered from ’92)
- Never show your tits to just anybody. (5/4/97)
- You should never steal your neighbor’s ass.
- No sniffing nail polish remover. (10/30/97)
- Never wipe your ass with the bumpy side. (3/25/98)
[At the bottom of the page is written:]
#2: Beware Boyfriends bearing gifts. (5/2/97)
NOTE: It would behoove one not to drink straight shots of 151 Rum. (4/30/97)
All the Rooms in Hell
- Indefinitely repeating CDs:
a.) All Hail Me
b.) Tiffany / Debbie Gibson
c.) Edie Brickell
d.) Willie Nelson
- Indefinitely repeating song:
a.) Da Da Da
b.) The Song That Doesn’t End
c.) How Bizarre [courtesy of my former roomie, Mary Bindis]
d.) The ‘How Do I Breathe w/o You’ song
- Eternal Fiery Pain room
- Relive all the mistakes in your life room
- Eternity with in-laws
- Medieval Torture room
- CS 101 w/ Jean Sullivan room
- Eternity in your worst fear room
- Sexual Frustration room
- Eternal Drum corps running block room
- Eternity with Gary room [yes, my Step-Gary]
- Eternity with least favorite couple room
- Eternal ‘Got Milk?’ room
- Eternal conversation with Gibby & Voz room [our fluffy next-door neighbors]
- Eternal conversation with stupid people room
- Eternal servitude in Food Ops room
- Eternal confinement in a room containing only a jukebox that plays only Connie Frances records
- Drunken Idiots room
- The room where you’re surrounded with cans and cans of food, but no can opener
- Eternal solitary confinement + conversation with “Ugly Matt”
- Locked in Montgomery Ward with Alicia
- You have to pee a LOT and there’s a toilet sitting exposed and alone in a room full of people
- Eternity of Doing Calc 😐 [again, thanks, Mary]
- Eternity with incapacitating menstrual cramps
There are a lot of “inside jokes” that even I forget… like, who’s Mr. Caterpillar, and who’s Alicia, and why would I be in Montgomery Ward with her? Even with the few I don’t get anymore, though, this still reminds me of why college was so fun.