Delicate Balance

One day last week, I went to write a “what’s up with Diana” blog entry while I was at work. Just snagging five minutes here and there, so it was kind of disjointed and stream-of-consciousness. What I came up with was so unexpectedly negative, I didn’t even feel I should post it. I kept it in my home e-mail, though, just so I could look back at it later with a giant WTF.

I’ve been under some weird kinds of stress lately, I guess. Nothing earth-shattering, but a collection of little things. My aikido rank test is coming up on Saturday the 26th, and I don’t feel as ready as I should be. I have training for work in Columbus and in Chicago coming up next month, and I’m still unsure about how to properly book my hotels and my flight out to O’Hare, so I’ll be sure to be reimbursed by the company. I’m in the midst of a weight-loss challenge, which I seem not to be winning right now.

All of these things seem petty and manageable on their own (and I’m sure there are others I’ve left out, including the monthly hormonal BS), but their combined effect is unusually powerful right now. I can go from zero to pissed in about two seconds, for no good reason. Poor Aaron is positive it’s all him, but it seriously isn’t. It’s me. Being weird. In a not-so-good way.

No, sir, I don’t like it.

The trick seems to be balancing my diet, exercise, and productivity to gently affect my mood. If one of those goes down the shitter, the whole balance is thrown off, and I go down some fucked-up spiral of “I suck”-ness. I’m always so hard on myself for not living up to my own unreasonably high standards. It’s like I have to consciously psyche myself out in such a way to fool the part of my brain that knows I’m not doing everything “right.”

I want to be confident. I want to be knowledgeable. I want to be healthy. I want to look good. I want to feel good. I want to like myself. I want to like myself as I am. I want to stop looking in the mirror and asking myself, “What is WRONG with me?”

I want to want what I already have.

4 thoughts on Delicate Balance

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  1. I can offer some help in the travel area since I unfortunately do it every week…

    Where are you going in Chicago? You’ll want to pick your hotel wisely as there are some iffy areas. Hopefully you’ll be going right downtown so you can taxi and not worry about a rental car. I don’t personally love driving in Chicago rush hour 🙂

    The flight from Toledo to ORD is a breeze! I think American Eagle is the big carrier out of Toledo?

    Also, I think we could offer a few options for Columbus… which part of Columbus will you be staying? You’re always welcome at our place, too. We live very close to our wedding reception location.

  2. @jess – As for Chicago, the training facility is right by O’Hare, so I’ll probably just stay somewhere by the airport there.

    I just booked my room (through the company’s travel agent) at the Hampton Inn in Dublin. I’ll be e-mailing all my Columbus peeps to arrange possible meetings late on 2/12, evening on 2/13, and probably not at all on V-Day, since everybody will be out with their honeys. ‘Cept me. 🙁

  3. The O’Hare area isn’t too bad. I’ve stayed in Shaumburg a few times. There is an Ikea near there you may want to check out!

    I’ll still be in Louisville the week you are in Columbus. Eric won’t be out with his honey on Valentine’s Day, so maybe you can meet up then! Haha…