In the middle of Pigeon, it hit me. I was overcome with emotion, after being “in the zone” and hitting every pose and having my mind clear of distractions and judgments.
Am I ever going to be “happy” with my body?
My knees kind of bow inward funny. My arms never seem to fully straighten. I never manage to look like my limbs are fully extended. Will that change when I reach my goal weight? Or my goal fitness level, whatever that may be? When can I be content with what I look like and how I feel? When can I stop comparing myself to others?
I almost broke into tears, face-down and pretzel-twisted on the mat.
Not from sadness, but from understanding. In another life, I might have called it a religious experience.
It was a little piece of enlightenment… and yet, not quite. Because I can see it, I can comprehend it, but I’m still not quite there yet.
Later in the day, I logged my workout on DailyMile and gave our yoga instructor mad props for a great class:
In the zone! @dmallette picked up the pace early on, then added side planks and balance work into the mix. It felt strong and meditative to me, which led to one or two random personal epiphanies in the middle of class.
Doug, of course, saw my post:
@dianaschnuth That’s fantastic and made my day! If you care to share, I’d love to hear about your epiphanies!
I thought for a moment, then responded.
@dmallette They were personal and yet not, in a Zen kind of way. During pigeon, I had this big moment of When Will I Be Happy With My Body?
@dmallette I was suddenly critical of how my limbs don’t seem to straighten just so, and I realized that it’s not a fault. It’s how I *am*.
@dmallette It was a surprisingly emotional moment after a full class of being “in the zone” and stoically focusing on form.
Being almost uncomfortably honest with others brings me one step closer to being honest with myself.