Aikido: My Triumphant Return

Earned the rank of rokyu (6th kyu) on January 26th.

Got bronchitis and missed two weeks of class. Almost went back on February 6th, but was exhausted and not into dealing with the inclement weather. Last week, I was in Columbus. So, yesterday, I attended aikido keiko for the first time as a rokyu, after having missed lots and lots of class.

As an aikidoka with rank, I am now not only permitted but required to wear hakama during practice. Luckily, there was a loaner hakama available, as I hadn't ordered mine yet. Phil was kind enough to show me how to tie the hakama (which is quite the production, let me tell you). I was being frank with Phil-san when I informed him that the whole process would be a lot easier if I didn't have boobs getting in the way. I don't think he quite knew how to react to that.

I actually felt a lot more... at ease? Normal? Accepted? Clothed? ...while wearing the hakama. I hadn't realized that part of my unease in class had been the fact that I was dressed differently than most of the others. I consider it a giant stroke of luck that I didn't trip over my hakama once during class — which, incidentally, was taught by one of the yudansha (black belts), as Sensei was out of town.

My loaner hakama did give me some neat bruises, though. There's actually a rigid plate in the back, called a koshiita, which Phil told me is supposed to protect your lower back. All it did for me was give me bruises on my back, on either side, just above my ass. Fantastic.

As for class itself, we did a lot of rolling. While I am getting better at taking rolls, especially from my left side, it does still make me dizzy and nauseous. We also did a little work with the jo (staff), which was totally new to me. During our warmup, Phil led us in a jo exercise with which I wasn't familiar; it looked like everyone else knew it perfectly well, though. I had a hard time following along and reminding myself that Phil was NOT a mirror.

After class, I finally got to participate in the folding of the hakama. The whole class gathers by the edge of the mat and removes their hakama (hakamas?), and folds their hakama on the mat while chatting and having a grand social time. Petra was kind enough to help me out with the removal and folding and tying of my hakama; I would have been totally lost without her help.

Aftermath? Sore everything. Shoulders, arms, sides, back, abs, ass, calves. My abs and arms/chest were already sore from Monday's and Tuesday's homegrown workouts, so it's hard to tell how much is aikido and how much is my other workouts finally catching up to me. What I can ascribe to aikido, though, are the bruises. The nifty matching ones in the back from the koshi plate, and the ones on my wrists from grabs (ryote-tori: two-handed grab, one on each wrist; katate-tori: one hand grabbing one wrist; and morote-tori: two hands grabbing one wrist).

So, yeah. Successful, if exhausting. Thanks to another business trip, this time to Chicago, I won't be attending keiko again until after the Weapons Seminar on March 1st. So, I'll have to really start training hard after that to be ready for Gleason-sensei's visit at the end of March. He's teaching a gasshuku, an intense weekend of aikido training, and I'm worried that I might not last the entire weekend. I'm going to give it my damnedest, though.

I'll have to bring my camera to the dojo and take a picture of my name up on the wall, with the other students'. I'm officially a rokyu. That was fun to see.

Highlights from Kyu Testing

The especially good parts:

0:24 to 0:40 - Check me out with my shomenuchi ikkyo omote osai. OMG, does my gi make me look fat? ;-)
2:00 to 2:25 - Parts of Rich's test. He really had the energy happening. Fun to watch.
3:30 to 3:52 - Part of Andy's test. This part involves some fun hip-throws and breakfalls.
4:28 to end - More of Andy's test, starting with jo (staff) work and ending with randori (multiple attackers).

Andy was on his third round of randori by this point, and these were the black belts (yudansha) coming at him for his final test. If he looks a little exhausted... that's because he is. :-)

And that's what I did on Saturday the 26th. If it looks like fun, maybe you should give it a go.

Rankless No More

Saturday the 26th was the long-awaited day: the day I tested for my rank of rokyu (6th kyu, the lowest actual rank) in Aikido.

The day started with a Basics Seminar from 9am to noon, wherein we spent the first two hours learning kneeling techniques. I was already familiar with most of the techniques we reviewed, although we did manage to go into more detail than I ever had previously. I also became familiar with techniques that I won't have to know for another few ranks yet, which was fun.

After the morning session, I asked one of my classmates to help me with my rolls for a few minutes. He did so gladly, and even pulled out one of the tumbling mats for some extra cushion. With his guidance, I finally managed to figure out where I was going wrong with my rolls, although I could tell it would take some time before I could consistently fix the problem. (For those of you keeping score: I was turning myself just before my shoulder hit the mat, so my forward roll turned into more of a sideways roll. The key is to keep forward momentum and think about looking at the knot of my belt.)

The entire dojo usually goes out to lunch together after the morning session; to a local buffet, either Indian or Chinese. I ended up passing on lunch with the dojo, and instead drove home and had a light lunch with my sick hubby. Then, per Sensei's instructions, I laid down on the couch and just chilled out for a while, letting my sore muscles rest. Once it came time to go back to the dojo for testing, Aaron actually seemed well enough to go along to watch me test. So, after running past Kroger to pick up a veggie tray for the post-testing potluck, the two of us headed over to the dojo just before 3pm.

The first half hour or so was used as a loosening-up period; we paired off and took some rolls, did some basic techniques, and Sensei answered specific technique questions from people who would be testing. Then, after a short break, formal testing began.

The five mukyu (those of us with no rank) went first. I beelined for the side of the mat closest to Aaron and furthest away from Sensei — not so Sensei wouldn't see me, but so Aaron would. Five volunteer uke presented themselves, we made our formal bows to begin the testing, and so it began. The ten techniques I'd been so worried about flew by in a matter of minutes, and before I knew it, it was time to take my ten rolls. After the first three or four, I felt like I started to understand how forward rolls are supposed to feel, and I got into a bit of a rhythm.

(Unbeknownst to me, several people in the dojo were specifically watching me to see if my rolls had improved. From their comments after the test, it sounds like I have indeed improved. I still need to watch the video for myself, though...)

We formally ended our 6th kyu test with bows to the front of the dojo (the shomen) and to Sensei, and we were done. We returned to our places with the applause of the dojo.

Every other level of testing only had one aikidoka at a time — it just happened to work out that way. Highlights, for me, included Rich's test for... fourth kyu? Third? I forget. At any rate, I enjoyed watching him really get into his technique. Plus, he got his glasses knocked off halfway through his test. ^_^

The real highlight of the day, though, was Andy's test for ikkyu — first kyu, brown belt, just one step down from black belt. Not only did we get to watch Andy do sword (bokken) and staff (jo) work, but we also got to watch him perform randori, or fending off three attackers at once. I hope Sensei posts the video to YouTube; if he does, I'll embed it here for your viewing pleasure. Because it was indeed a pleasure to watch.

After the formal end of testing, there was much congratulations by all. Then there was much food and drink, and some live music provided by members of the dojo (including Sensei, of course).

Thanks go out to Rich and Chelsea for helping me out with my forward rolls, and to Robert for volunteering to take ukemi for my testing. Thanks also to Aaron for coming to watch and cheer me on! That really meant a lot to me.

Maybe I'll post a photo of me in my fancy hakama pants (not to be confused with Hammer pants) once I get them. ^_^

Aikido Recap

Wednesday, Jan 2: Reviewed suwari waza (kneeling) techniques for sixth kyu test: shomen uchi ikkyo omote and shomen uchi ikkyo ura. Spent the full hour working on just those, with occasional moments of showing sensei the same techniques tachi waza (standing). Learned a lot, refined my skills. Realized later that I had developed blisters on my knees that had since burst, leaving my knees skinned.

Saturday, Jan 5: Returned to Aikido class for a second time in one week, which is not the norm for me. I need to prepare for my test on the 26th, though, so I stepped it up. My knees sported standard band-aids.

Before we broke into ranks to study for the testing, my fate was foreshadowed by unexpected bleeding from a shaving oopsie on my ankle. Later, once we broke into ranks, we once again started with suwari waza; within ten minutes, my band-aids had failed and my knees were bleeding all over my white gi. That class ended up being pretty much a wash, as I kept having to leave the mat to re-band-aid or re-secure said band-aids with medical tape. After class, everyone claimed that I was "hardcore," although I knew that the initial blisters that had caused the bleeding had to be a result of poor or incorrect kneeling technique on my part.

Wednesday, Jan 9: This time, my knees sported the proper wound attire: large, fabric band-aids made especially for knees. i brought one extra, just in case, and left it in my bag in the changing room.

Again, we mukyu (unranked students) began with suwari waza techniques; this time, though, I was basically forced by my now-delicate knees to use proper technique. I made sure to keep my toes curled up under me, and to walk purposefully on my toes and knees, rather than just scooting and pivoting myself around. I also found myself pulling up my pant-legs and checking my knees whenever I got a free moment; the left knee was generally fine, and the right knee did start bleeding, but not enough to soak through the band-aid.

We then spent some much-needed time on two tachi waza techniques: mune tsuki kotegaeshi (the link shows a slightly more physical version than we practice) and yokomen uchi shihonage. Near the end of class, while I was acting as uke (the attacker/throwee), I felt my ankle scrape across the mat. I'd already gotten a mat burn on that ankle recently, and it hadn't quite healed, so I wasn't surprised when my training partner pointed out that I was bleeding. I excused myself, ran off the mat and into the bathroom to clean up, then into the changing room to apply my Band-Aid Of Awesomeness. Once I got myself all squared away and back on the mat, it was time to line up and show the class what we'd learned.

The mukyu demonstrated the two tachi waza techniques we'd studied. It was the first time I'd done any techniques in front of Sensei and the entire class, and it was good practice for how testing will feel. After we were done, the other ranks showed what they'd learned. The next rank up from us did a more advanced suwari waza technique, and the rest all demonstrated weapons work. I see now why we've been focusing on weapons more than before: weapons work is apparently a major part of testing for some of the higher ranks.

Assuming I go to two classes a week from now until testing, I have four classes left until testing day. If I step it up and attend three classes a week, I could make it six classes total. I could probably use the extra classes; there are ten techniques total that I need to know, and of those ten, I only feel totally confident with seven. I'm not entirely sure what the other three are. I probably know the techniques, but don't know them by name. Actually, after a YouTube refresher, I'm feeling OK with identifying most of them, but I know I need some detail work with the techniques.

I also need to get some more practice with rolling, as I haven't really had to roll for some time now. I was feeling fairly confident with it at one point. In the test, I'll have to do at least ten forward rolls consecutively (not like these, thankfully — something similar to this, but more of a roll than a breakfall), and I don't feel comfortable enough with rolling to do that right now. I will in a couple of weeks, though.

Aikido Quotable

Senior student, to me, after class: "You're hardcore! I've never seen anyone with that much blood on their knees!"

Yikes.

Aikido for Wednesday 10/24

When I read on the dojo blog that we would be focusing on weapons training leading up to the weapons seminar in mid-November, I thought that maybe this class would be a little less strenuous than the previous week's keiko. After all, it wouldn't be an entire hour of standing up and being thrown down. Right?

I had no idea how wrong I was.

We separated into ranks, with the mukyu and some new rokyu perfecting a basic solo exercise while the higher ranks faced off with one another. Basically, we faced the walls, chose a knot in the wood as our opponent, and swung the bokken diagonally up, behind / over our heads, and diagonally down the other side, attacking our chosen knot. Very basic form, just getting used to how the weapon should feel and where the energy should go. It was a very powerful feeling, though, once I got the hang of how low my stance should be, where my weight should stay, how my center was supposed to drive the movement, that sort of thing.

Then the cardio kicked in, along with the arm fatigue. And the wrist funkiness. Holy crow, what a workout. My hand and arms are still weak and shaky (to my embarrassment in Zen practice later).

Then we did the usual throwing and rolling. I actually started being almost comfortable with my lame bastard forward rolls, with the occasional flub. At one point during that exercise, one of last week's scabbed-over mat burns on the top of my foot started bleeding, and I had to take a breather to hit the first aid kit.

After the rolling, we worked on everybody's favorite, irimi nage, except this time uke begins with a wrist grab before running around behind nage to (try to) grab his other wrist. Nage then ducks under uke's arm and performs the irimi nage I know and love.

A note: I love working with Rich-sempai. He's one of those who is always smiling, always seems to be enjoying himself, but won't half-ass the technique. If I'm supposed to be moving him and driving him to the floor, he's not going to just flop down and say I did it right. He's going to require me to put the energy into the movement and feel how it's supposed to go. He's also good at subtly indicating which way the energy should be going, if I'm unsure about a technique. I always learn a lot when I pair up with Rich.

After Sensei told us to switch partners, I had to sit out a round. I was just so exhausted, and my legs were jelly. We wrapped up with a suwari-waza (kneeling) tenshi technique that I didn't know, and I watched another mukyu work with Amy-sempai's brother until class was over.

So, in a nutshell, this class kicked my ass in a very serious and cardio-based way.

After keiko was zen practice. In the zendo, I saw that Sensei's H2 digital recorder had come in, and I casually wandered over to see it. Apparently, my interest in and knowledge of the existence of the device projected my ability to fake my way through operating audio electronics. I'm cool with that; I actually kind of wanted to play with it, anyway. I ended up being the designated recording engineer for the evening, which was fun. I'm curious to see how our first attempt worked, since I didn't want to sully the earbuds with my personal funk, and I didn't let Sensei know that I'd figured out how to work the playback feature.

We ended up recording Teisho and our Dharma Discussion afterward. I hope they came out OK. I'm anxious to help them get a podcast going, and to help edit if necessary. I'm all about the new media revolution. I'm also all about feeling important, to be honest, which is kind of contrary to the zen-ness (a.k.a. "Buddha Nature") I'm trying to discover in myself.

I also discovered something else about myself tonight: when the other party in a conversation is very calm and accepting and doesn't offer much feedback about what I'm saying, I don't know how to continue. I'm used to people giving me cues as to what they think about the topic, even if it's just boredom or disinterest. But this attentive calmness is disconcerting to me. I'm not sure how to react to it, since I do not yet possess this calmness. I've never been good at conversation, honestly, but I've gotten good at faking it over the years. This reaction of calmness and acceptance is something I haven't learned how to react to, and it makes me feel all bumbly and teenaged again.

Next week, Sensei will not be at the dojo on Wednesday, so I think I'm going to attend Monday's keiko instead. Sure, an hour and a half of aikido will well and truly kick my ass, but I think I'd rather attend a class run by Sensei than one of the senior students. No offense, guys.

Toledo City Paper: Now and Zen

The City Paper has published an article about Sensei in this week's issue. I knew it was coming, of course, because Ms. Spencer sat in at one of our Zen sessions a couple of weeks ago.

This completely removes any of the anonymity I was trying to maintain about my dojo (for the dojo's sake, so I don't reflect poorly on the entire community), but I wanted to share this article with everyone. Not only is it well-written and fairly accurate, but it revealed to me things that I didn't know about my Sensei.

I wonder if the dojo or the Zen Center will get an influx of students now?

Aikido for Wednesday 10/17

Two weeks in a row! I'm on a roll.

Since Saturday is kyu testing, the whole class (and a large one it was) broke off into ranks to work on specific techniques. Since I'm not testing, I was put with a group of three others: one guest to the dojo (brother of one of our aikidoka, visiting from out-of-state), one gentleman older than myself, and one teenager. We started out with suwariwaza shomenuchi ikkyo omote, then did the same technique standing up (tachiwaza). Then we worked on shomenuchi ikkyo ura, where you do the technique by stepping around behind uke and therefore spiraling them down toward the floor even more.

We then joined up with the other mukyu who were going to be testing, plus some of the rokyu (6th kyu, the lowest actual rank in our dojo) and a few gokyu (5th kyu) to work the old favorite irimi tenkan kokyu nage — always a fun technique to try when your arms and legs are fatigued. I did learn even more details I'd missed before, like exactly where and how to place the strike to the face at the end, and how to keep uke under control with a firm hand to the base of the neck.

Finally, the entire dojo worked on... well, you'll recall that I said I'm not great with remembering names of techniques. It was very similar to this technique, but I believe it began with yokomenuchi (a diagonal strike to the head). Most of the dojo did a forward roll or breakfall as ukemi; the teenagers and I just kind of flopped down where we were thrown.

(BTW, the student I worked with on this technique seemed very young — it occurred to me that he could literally be half my age — and had this great Edgar Winter sort of hair. Just imagine it curly. AWESOME.)

Overall? This one-hour (a.k.a. "short") class kicked my butt in a bad way. Just imagine standing up, then throwing yourself full-length onto the floor, then standing up and doing it again, every ten seconds or so for an hour. Just *that* would make you tired and sore, no? Bottom line is that, yes, I'm picking up on techniques for the most part, but I really need to work on a.) endurance and b.) rolling. Which I will only accomplish by kicking my own ass cardio-wise... and actually *doing* ukemi practice. Rolling at home. Rolling before class. Getting my sempai to give me pointers, even though I feel weird about it.

Aftermath? I. am. sore. Everything on me that has anything to do with the act of standing up, leveraging myself up, or sitting down. Glutes, hams, quads, triceps, biceps, lats, lower back, just pretty much everywhere. Which, I suppose, is to be expected after such a prolonged aikido hiatus.

I also realized during class that, as I suspected, I usually stand up using my left leg, which explains why my left quad is always so much more sore than my right, after the fact. I tried standing up using my right leg a few times, and I was surprised to find that my left thigh is stronger than my right, which is why I use it more. (Or maybe it's stronger *because* I use it more? Hard to tell now.)

At any rate, I'm not sure if I'm going to attend Saturday's Basic Seminar, mainly because it will seriously kick my ass. Three hours in the morning, plus another hour in the afternoon before watching the testing. Last time, I ended up fairly sore, but mainly I just had giant bruises on my hipbones from the hanmi stance stability exercises we did.

I don't know. We'll see. I'm still glad to be back into the swing of aikido, though, even if it's kicking my ass.

A Great Way To Start The Day

Got up this morning, ate a banana, and headed off to a 10am keiko. I'd never been to aikido for a weekday morning session, so I was curious to see who all would be there. Out of the five other aikidoka, I hadn't met two, one of whom was Danny-sempai, who taught the class. (I guess that would make him Danny-sensei?) Today's class included myself, Hank, Jim, Matt(?), and Taisho. Small group.

I'm not good at remembering the names of the techniques we work on, unless we're specifically training for tests. Then, we *have* to know the names of the techniques, so more of a focus is placed on knowing those. Normally, though, it's just "Monkey See, Monkey Do" for me. We did some yokomen-uchi ikkyo omote, which was just a variation on a technique I already knew, so that worked out. We also worked on irimi kokyu nage, which I was familiar with, and I learned some new nuances of the technique. We also did some variations on both of those moves, plus one or two others.

That's what's really interesting to me about learning this way, by repetition and gleaning as much as you can with each pass: every keiko, you can learn something different, even if you already know the techniques that are being taught. You pick up on varying styles by the different aikidoka you train with, you learn from other people's mistakes, and sometimes (like I did today) you have an "ah-ha!" moment, when things start to click.

I still have a bit of a major mental block against rolling, or even attempting to roll, especially since I pulled a muscle last time I attempted an all-out forward roll in class. I'm also scared to practice at home, since I could be learning it wrong and think I'm doing fine. (Plus, carpeted basement does not equal padded dojo mat.) Hopefully, with testing coming up in two weeks, I'll get to practice rolling in class with the other mukyu, and get some pointers without having to ask someone to critique me as a favor.

No injuries this time, a few eureka moments, and a boost to my aikido confidence. Good keiko.

By the way... I've been trying to be careful not to reveal the name of my dojo, just so my ineptness doesn't reflect poorly on the rest of the dojo. I'll let the cat out of the bag here, though, because Sensei posted clips to YouTube that I want you all to see, so you can get a feel for what aikido is like. Aaron's quotable: "No wonder you come home sore." :-D

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

I haven't been to aikido in a month. First, it was because of my pulled groin muscle. Then I thought it was healed, but it wasn't really, so I stayed home a little while longer. Then I got a nasty cold, and that kept me away for another couple of weeks. Now I'm to the point where any conditioning I'd already achieved has long since gone, and I'm kind of afraid to just jump back into class. Every single solitary class has kicked my ass so far, save maybe one or two, and I know I'll get my ass handed to me whenever I go back.

Still... as I've mentioned, I *am* paying for this. If I go more than twice a week, I'm getting a deal. If I go twice a week, I'm getting my money's worth. If I don't go at all, I'm wiping my ass with it.

I don't want to be a quitter. I could go tomorrow morning... but let's shoot for Saturday morning, shall we? I took a 45-minute walk this morning, after a couple weeks of being completely sedentary, so if I can keep that up and add to my activity level for the next few days...

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm just stalling. As per usual.

Don't worry, dear readers: I'll soon have another tale of aikido kicking my ass. I know you like those, you sadists, you. ;-)

The Universe is Conspiring in my Favor

...At least as far as aikido is concerned.

I know you're all probably tired of hearing me go on about my chosen martial art, so I'll just mention a couple things:

1. Sensei chose to teach a class entirely on ukemi today.
2. Sensei never read my e-mail, because it got lumped in with the spam.

This means that a.) Sensei doesn't know how much of a goober I sounded, and b.) his somewhat random choice of topic was entirely fortuitous and had nothing to do with me. It may, however, have had a little to do with the two mighty new mukyu in attendance.

I feel much somewhat more confident about my ability to fall and not hurt myself now. I at least recognize what elements I may be missing. Now I have some more simple ukemi exercises I can do at home, too.

The leg is feeling a little weak after class, but not painful. I'm feeling pretty fine overall. Being all nervous about going back to class after two weeks was a little silly in retrospect.

Permission to Quit

I talked to my Mom on the phone today. She's been reading my blog, including my aikido injury reports, and suggested that maybe I should find some other discipline to try. As she pointed out, I'm not getting any younger, and I haven't been doing sports or other activities during my life so far to build up to this. Most of my aikido writings *have* been focusing on how I hurt myself, or how sore I am, or how bad I got my ass handed to me.

The thing is, though, that I want to be better. I want to test for rank in October. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it, since I have to have thirty hours logged at the dojo to qualify... but I'd like to try. I want to be limber. I want to be strong. I want to be able to do crazy ukemi acrobatics without fucking pulling my groin.

A month ago, I would have taken this suggestion as a godsend — you're absolutely right. It's too hard. I'll tell Sensei I'm done. Now, though... I guess I do need to talk to Sensei, but I need to ask him what I should be doing to practice ukemi at home without hurting myself.

It feels like dancing, like art, except that I don't know all the steps. It still feels like it should make sense, if only I had the muscle memory and the strength and the knowledge. I know that's what practice is for, but it's frustrating that I keep trying to learn, but I feel like I'm limited physically rather than mentally. It's not a limitation I'm used to dealing with; I'm used to learning something, and it being learned. The end. I'm not used to imagining my position in space and time (and midair) and maneuvering myself in a certain way and not knowing whether I can even physically *do* what I'm supposed to do, let alone coordinate my mind and my muscles to do it.

This is why I joined the dojo, though, isn't it? To open up my comfort zone? To become more disciplined?

I want to practice here at home, but I don't want to hurt myself again and delay my return to class. Maybe I'll e-mail Sensei before Wednesday and see if he has any words of wisdom for me.

Update, 7:30pm: I sent an e-mail to Sensei, letting him know what had happened and why I haven't been at the dojo. I also asked him if I should lay off until I heal, or just come in and do what I can, but then I deemed my question silly (yes, all in the e-mail) and told him I'd be at the dojo on Wednesday. We'll see if he responds, or if he just greets me on Wednesday like nothing ever happened.

Damn It.

Two weeks ago, I pulled my groin at aikido by doing a poorly-executed roll. It was finally feeling better, though, so I decided to do a little ukemi practice in my basement tonight before going back to aikido tomorrow morning. Even set up the point-and-shoot to take some video of myself rolling, to help pinpoint what I'm doing wrong, or where I can improve. Ended up doing upwards of ten to a dozen rolls total. That's a lot for me at this point.

Guess what I did.

My groin doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did when I first injured it — I probably just aggravated the injury. But now I have a conflict: do I go to aikido anyway, and risk exacerbating my leg further, or do I sleep in and skip aikido again and basically wipe my ass with over fifty bucks total for these two wasted weeks?

If I do decide to rest my leg instead of going to class, is my injury just a mental crutch, an excuse not to stretch my comfort zone anymore? I don't think so, since I had been looking forward to getting back to class. Still... maybe. I don't know. It's a tough call, because I *am* paying for this, even if I'm not attending.

*checks credit card statement*

Apparently, I pay for this in arrears; I just got charged for my two-month initial lump sum. Still, though, I'm paying for this. A goodly amount, though not an unreasonable amount. It's unreasonable for me not to go and get my money's worth. But it's also unreasonable to go do the most intense physical activity I've ever done in my life on an injured leg.

Can you tell I'm of two minds with this?

This is ridiculous. If I wait until tomorrow morning to decide whether to go, I'll end up staying in bed. I know me. I know how my half-asleep mind works. I'd really hate to make things worse, though...

We'll see.

(I can't believe I'm actually posting this asinine stream-of-consciousness argument with myself. I sound ridiculous. However, I will go through with the post to amuse and entertain you, my readers. All fifteen of you.)

A Quickie

I pulled my groin in aikido on Saturday, while trying to roll. I'm getting annoyed with myself for not "getting" it yet. At least my leg seems to be on the fast track, and feels like it should be healed by Wednesday's class. It really put a damper on the weekend's other extra-curriculars, though.

This week, Monday through Thursday afternoons, I'm attending an outplacement workshop paid for by Sky/Huntington. I was dubious about its actual value, but it actually seems like it's going to be helpful. Among some of the highlights will be resume-crafting, networking and job-searching, and negotiating a job offer. I'm actually looking forward to some of this... plus, it gets me out of the office for half a day.

Rob has requested another manly candle, to be picked up this week. In looking at my records, I realize I haven't made any candles since February (which was the last time Rob requested a manly candle). Candle-making is definitely a seasonal thing for me, being that I don't like to have the oven on in the summer, and my timing mojo gets thrown off if I melt candle wax in the microwave instead. Maybe I'll have to ramp up the seasonal candle-making a little earlier this year, and be sure to give everyone at work a going-away candle with my name and URL on it. :-)

Update, 11:45pm: Rob's candle came out well. I used a blow dryer to even out the surface — I should have tried that long ago.

In other news, bumping up the difficulty in Civilization IV really makes a difference: from me beating all the computer players in Chieftain mode to me getting my ass kicked and barely making it to the end of the game with one city intact in Warlord mode. If it weren't almost midnight (and if I weren't gainfully employed and due at work at 8am), I'd start another game.

Learning Experience

I'm finding it really fascinating, meeting my various sempai on the aikido mat and seeing how their minds work. I find that I gravitate toward certain people (and try to keep away from others), not so much because of their technique, but because of their attitude.

I find that I take ukemi better (i.e. I fall better) when a powerful and confident technique is performed on me. Hell, being thrown by Sensei is downright fun; I come up smiling almost every time. One of my sempai even commented that I'm falling much better now — I thanked him, but I really wanted to thank him for performing the technique with such finesse. It makes falling easier when my energy is honestly being shifted around, instead of just going through the motions.

Some of my sempai seem to handle me with kid gloves, and don't put enough actual energy into the movement. It's difficult for me to turn up the energy when faced with someone who won't reciprocate. Just throw me. Just do the joint-lock. Don't worry about my lack of hakama and rank; you won't hurt me. I learn more from someone who's doing the technique all-out, no holds barred. —Strike that. I learn more from nage doing the technique at a moderate pace, step-by-step but with a discernible flow, methodically, so I can follow.

My favorite is when I get with someone — there are a few people like this — who takes joy in aikido and puts it into the technique. Several of my lower-ranked sempai are like this. Their technique isn't flawless, but the energy is there, and the joy is in their face, and they make me feel it, too. The higher-ranked sempai who have this spark in them are wonderful teachers; they won't let me continue a technique wrong. They'll just stop and let me start over, or stop and let me figure out on my own how to shift my energy properly. The lower ranks will simply start doing commentary on their own technique aloud as they throw me, so I can think the same commentary step-by-step as I throw them.

I'm not comfortable being the more experienced partner yet, though. I do have a couple of kohai — actually, I don't know if I can really be said to have kohai, as I'm still unranked, and I'm not sure if the newer mukyu would count as my kohai. I think they would, though. At any rate, the some of the newer mukyu and even a couple of the rokyu (lowest rank) are more hesitant than I about certain techniques. I'm not comfortable trying to say anything to help; in fact, I'm pretty sure that's inappropriate for someone of my ranklessness. Still, I could lead by example, but the temerity of my partner almost always makes me more timid.

This is all golden. I'm learning so much about myself and my interactions with other people in general.

Bottom line? I need to trust myself more, have more confidence in myself.

This is why I joined the dojo.

On Aikido And Zen

I wouldn't say aikido is getting easier, per se. I think maybe Sensei is starting with more basic techniques and building on them more slowly throughout the class. Plus, I've only been attending the Wednesday one-hour classes, so there's only so much one can fit into that teaching block. At any rate, I feel like I'm picking up on things quicker, physically recovering quicker after class, and not being as terrified that I'm going to screw up.

We've been doing some techniques that require rolling, too. I haven't gotten much better at it, but I have started to do it instead of wussing out entirely. At the suggestion of Taisho-sempai, I did about a dozen rolls by myself after class, and finally started to comprehend how it's supposed to feel. I think. It stopped feeling so awkward and clumsy, anyway, and I came up on my feet at the end, so that's an improvement.

After class, at Zen practice, I made a very, very important discovery: I can't sit for extended periods of time in seiza (kneeling, sitting on my feet). I'm not sure how long our session of za-zen lasted, but my legs went past asleep to downright numb. When the bell rang for the end of za-zen, I physically could not get up. My legs had NO FEELING. I flopped around to face in the general direction of the altar, to which everyone was bowing from a standing position, and massaged my feet. They felt rubbery and detached.

You can probably guess that I didn't exactly attain enlightenment during today's za-zen session.

Immediately after za-zen, we were all to head out to the aikido mat in the other room to do walking meditation, so I forced my legs under me and balanced on lower legs and feet that I literally could not feel. I swear, this must be how people with prosthetics feel when they walk. There was no small amount of luck involved in my keeping upright during the short walk to the mat. After a little bit of walking meditation (which started out embarrassingly wobbly for me), the pins and needles came in, followed by normalcy. Finally. After several minutes of walking.

Never. Ever. Again. From now on, I sit on my ass when I meditate. None of this kneeling in seiza shit.

After an evening of aikido and zen practice, I feel much like I remember feeling after church. Calm. At peace with myself and the world. In tune with those around me. Except, adding the aikido into the mix, I also feel physically different. It's like Sensei was talking about at the end of class today: training mind, body, and spirit takes more than just sitting and lighting some smelly-good candles. It takes effort.

I feel like Wednesday evenings are becoming my devotional to myself. Mind, body, and spirit.

Quick Weekend Recap

Friday night: watched webcast of J. K. Rowling reading the first chapter of Deathly Hallows at midnight British Summer Time (which was 7pm Eastern). Waited a few minutes after that, and couldn't take the suspense anymore. Downloaded HP7 from a favorite bittorrent website, and read the first 20 chapters before the book was officially released in the U.S.

Saturday: Aikido Basics Seminar from 9am to noon. Lunch at the Garden Cafe with Aaron, then back to the dojo at 3pm for a brief class and kyu testing. I wasn't testing this time, but it was valuable to watch the testing process, as I should be testing this fall. Hung out at the dojo after class, but didn't partake in the "pot luck." (There was some food, but the pot luck was mainly comprised of different kinds of alcohol. Sake, microbrews, champagne...) Got home just after 6pm and spent the evening at home with Aaron. (Deathly Hallows arrived from Amazon with Saturday's mail, BTW.)

Today: Aaron's off doing grocery shopping right now. Later this afternoon, we'll be meeting a co-worker/friend of Aaron's, and we'll all be driving up to Detroit for a free festival featuring They Might Be Giants. The one chance I had to see TMBG live, at BGSU, the show was cancelled due to lack of interest (supposedly), so I'm especially looking forward to tonight.

For now, though, I'm going to be reading some more Harry Potter until Aaron gets back from the store.

Today's Class

I thoroughly enjoyed today's class, excessively short though it seemed. We did an extended version of the warmups we normally do, and certain aspects of it were explained a little more in-depth. Then we broke out into ranks, and us rankless mukyu helped the one mukyu who's planning to test this Saturday by playing uke (a.k.a. "the throwee") and letting her toss us around. It was also really helpful to me, so that I could start recognizing and naming some of the techniques I've been learning. We also broke things down and I got to play nage (the thrower instead of the throwee) with Roy-sempai. Yes, the same Roy-sempai whom I inadvertently allowed to twist my arm last week. I got to learn that very technique more thoroughly today, so that hopefully won't happen again.

After that, we broke into mixed pairs to do a few basic techniques. Grabs, throws, nothing extravagant. One of these, though, separated those who could roll (not me) from those who couldn't (me). I tried being uke once; Sensei saw my sorry excuse for a roll, and took me aside and showed me *again* how it's done. Not the cool-looking flying around sort of roll that everyone else can do, but a roll beginning on hands and knees. Granted, that's where I need to start — but it doesn't make it any less frustrating to feel like everyone's watching me crawl around on my little corner of the mat, doing somersaults.

Of course, that's what I need, on several levels. I came to a level of acceptance that I needed with that.

After class, I spontaneously asked Sensei if I could join the Zen Meditation group that meets after class on Wednesdays. He had no problem with that, and took a goodly amount of one-on-one time with me to explain the basics of zazen. He also asked why I was interested in zen meditation, and I may have made my spiritual "search" seem a little more recent than it really was. I "came out" as a non-Christian pretty early on in our conversation, and I inadvertently exaggerated the void that my denial of organized religion had left. After that, I tried to play up the other life changes (job, potential family) to downplay the religious/spiritual. I also managed to throw in the comment from Ms. Beall that I mentioned earlier, and Sensei was aghast that I had such a teacher. "She was a gift," I believe he said. I had to agree.

The practice itself involved chanting, seated meditation, and walking meditation. The chanting was slightly odd for me — I'll bet it sounds a lot better in an Eastern language rather than a Germanic language like English — but I think I picked up on it well enough.

I left the dojo feeling relaxed, physically energized/tired, mentally relaxed and alert, and in a particularly good mood.

And smelly. Did I mention smelly? Yes, sweaty and smelly.

Consensus? Wednesday nights at the dojo are a go. I hardly ever want to eat dinner after aikido, anyway, so it works out. Brief class, chill at the dojo, a couple hours of group meditation... sounds like a proper weekly devotional to me.

Sick of Being Sore

Woke up this morning. Tried to get out of bed. Hobbled to the bathroom. Grabbed some ibuprofen. Gimped downstairs. Took my ibuprofen and my vitamins and whatnot. Limped to the phone and called in to work. Gimped back upstairs and fell into bed, where I slept for another four hours. Sure, now I only have two days of PTO left to last through the beginning of September, but I'm OK with that.

I'm enjoying aikido. I just wish I didn't get so damned sore afterward. Maybe then I could do multiple classes in a week, and improve faster. I must've been doing *something* right on Monday, though, because now *everything* is sore. I swear. Even my toes. Quads, hamstrings, ass, back, shoulders, triceps, biceps... my abs aren't sore, and my calves aren't sore. Every other major muscle group I can think of *is* sore. Which is amazing to me. And frustrating, because I wanted to go to class today, but I can barely get around. If I can't even kneel comfortably in seiza, and I can barely get up out of a chair, how the hell am I supposed to let myself be flung around and fling other people around? And do somersaults rolls for God knows how long (until I get it right)?

The Basics Seminar on the 21st is SO going to kick my ass. All day at the dojo? Lordy. But I'm still looking forward to it.

Ow, My Shoulder!

After struggling with whether I should continue with aikido or not, I decided that quitting would be kind of silly. Especially after only two classes. So I went to a third class today, and plan to go to a fourth on Wednesday.

Apparently, the Monday one-hour classes are notorious for going over one hour. Had the class only lasted the requisite one hour, I would have been fine. As it was, the class was probably 90 minutes, and I ended up sitting out the last ten minutes or so — "grounding" myself, Sensei called it.

I still have some sort of mental block with rolling — I just haven't done it right yet, haven't found the sweet spot so I can replicate that "correct" feeling. Like I told Andy-sempai and Sensei, it's frustrating to have that feeling that I'm *almost* understanding it, and that it should be easy to understand, but that it's just not clicking yet. I admitted to Sensei, during my "grounding" time, that one of the reasons I joined the dojo was that I want to get over my problem with feeling stupid. He assured me that I'd get over that, as that's a big part of the learning process. Everyone gets that feeling, and everyone comes to accept the feeling of not-knowing. I told him that I look forward to getting to that point.

Today's standard minor aikido injuries / afflictions include a mat burn on the top of my left foot ("the oozy kind," as Amy-sempai called it); generally weak quads; and an uncomfortably twisted left shoulder, gotten from Roy-sempai from a slightly more complex move when my ukemi (i.e. my submittal to or receiving of his technique) was just a little off. I think it's mainly true that the only major injuries in aikido are when one or the other partner has improper form, and the technique is done incorrectly. I'm hoping to keep my injuries to a minimum. :-)

I'm glad I decided not to quit. I feel physically good after aikido — at this point in my training, it's a cardio workout like I've rarely gotten before, even in drum corps. I've made it a point to eat well and healthily before aikido classes, and I don't seem to have any interest in dinner afterward. (Which is too bad, since it sounds like the dojo informally goes to the Brew House for beers after Monday classes.)

Speaking of food, I'm going to make some homemade ice cream. I'd try custard, but I'd like to actually *have* some before I go to bed, and custard requires cooking and cooling time, while ice cream requires no such thing. Next time, though...

Aikido: Quick Follow-Up

My shoulder and hip soreness passed quickly. The muscular soreness manifested itself later, and with a vengeance. My quads are still stiff and painful, and my glutes and hamstrings are noticeably sore.

If I still feel like this tomorrow, I'm not going to Aikido class. Instead, I'll hold off until Wednesday's one-hour session. Aaron pointed out earlier today that, if I don't go, I'm losing money. Considering that I paid the normal amount for two months, plus got my dogi and free enrollment in any workshops during the two-month period, I'm figuring that I'm still getting a deal, even if I don't go at least twice a week.

I have trouble sticking with physical things that require a learning curve, it seems. I don't like to look like a big dork, and I don't like to be ignorant, even though I know that this is how everyone starts — even Sensei probably felt at one point like I do now.

I'm going to continue to attend at least one class a week (preferably two) until next month's Basics Seminar. If I don't feel like I'm "in the groove" by then... well, that's quite a ways off yet. We'll see.

Aikido Recap

Fun, yes. Easy, no. But definitely a good learning experience — in many ways.

Thankfully, Sensei started out the two-hour class with a rolling drill. Basically, he taught the basic technique for a forward roll, then a backward roll. Although I only worked on the forward roll myself, I was infinitely grateful to learn the proper technique so soon... and suspicious that the drill was for my benefit, and possibly for Brittney, the other new aikidoka. (I'd watched her in yesterday's class — turns out she's only in her second week of classes, so I feel a little better about being new.)

We moved into some throws after that, and my rolling technique went out the window for a while. I managed to get it back, though, to a degree, after Sensei pointed out that I was using my shoulder and elbow to break my fall, instead of rolling into it.

After the first set of throws, almost an hour into class, we went back to falls — sideways and backwards. I knew then that I was in trouble: the mat started to waver beneath my feet, and the room seemed vaguely unsteady. I ignored the discomfort and pressed on, although I knew exactly what my problem was.

I hadn't eaten before class. And my dogi was getting very, very warm.

Truth be told, I hadn't eaten well all day. I had a meal replacement bar for breakfast; Diet Mountain Dew as a morning "snack"; an Ostrim and three strawberries for lunch; and another Diet Mountain Dew, another meal replacement bar, and some cookies (an unexpected gift from my supervisor) for my afternoon snack. My original plan had been to order lunch out, since I hadn't made the time this morning or the night before to make a proper lunch. Due to some snafus at work, though, I ended up scrapping the idea and just eating the snacks I'd brought. Also, I skipped dinner completely, since I had just about long enough to gather my things and head out to the dojo after Aaron left for work. This made for a poorly nourished Diana, especially one attending her first Aikido class — and a two-hour one at that, which was described by more than one person as being a bold move for my first class.

As I said, though, I pressed on, into the next set of throws. About ten minutes later, I excused myself from my partner and from the mat entirely.

Never before have I exerted myself to the point of vomiting. Not even in drum corps. It's not something I'd care to repeat. I was glad that the gentleman yesterday had shown me where the restrooms were; I knew right where to beeline when I felt the unwelcome urgency overcome me as I left the mat.

I explained to Sensei upon my return that I hadn't eaten, and that I was feeling unwell. He said I was welcome to take a seat at the back of the mat, and rejoin whenever I could; he said I could "make watching practice." That was fine with me; I'd reached my breaking point for the evening. I did watch intently, but every time I gave thought to rejoining the foray, my stomach would start doing cartwheels again, and I'd quickly change my mind.

Sensei finally gestured me to rejoin for the cool-down exercises and the post-class announcements session, wherein I introduced myself to the group. Everyone was very understanding and welcoming, and seemed genuinely glad to have me in the class (even though I was a total neophyte, often needing to be reminded how the throws were done).

As we finished sweeping the mat (a tradition after each class, apparently), one of the other women in the class, Amy, suggested that we go get some Gatorade at the gas station down the street. (Can't have me being all dehydrated and unwell and trying to drive home, after all.) After we changed back into our street clothes, that's exactly what we did; she drove us both down to the Shell station and graciously bought Gatorades for both of us. That was an unexpected and very kind gesture, and one that I appreciated.

I did make it home OK, although I only barely sipped on my Gatorade. When I got home, I promptly beelined for the new recliner and crashed out for an entire hour. I was nauseous; I was sore; I was tired; and any movement at all reminded me of all three. Woke up to watch my favorite show on HGTV at 9pm, and continued sipping on my Gatorade. Flipped to a program on the History Channel after that, and continued sipping on my Gatorade. Never did eat dinner; I didn't think I could keep it down. And my 32oz Gatorade is still half full as I write this.

Right now, I know that most of my soreness does indeed come from my incorrect technique. I'm not rolling properly, not rounded enough, so my shoulders and hips are sore from hitting the mat. I also discovered that I was dragging the knuckles of my left hand along the mat during some of the rolling drills, so those are rubbed raw. I also have a good deal of straight-up muscle soreness, though: arms, shoulders, back, thighs, glutes, basically any muscles involved in laying down or kneeling down or standing up.

Besides learning how to roll and fall, and how to tie my belt, I learned a few other things about myself today. I learned that I should stick with the one-hour classes for now, even if it means driving to the dojo straight from work, instead of stopping at home to see Aaron. I learned that proper nutrition is vital to getting the most out of my practice, so I need to eat a substantial afternoon snack before aikido. I learned that I do indeed have a physical breaking point, and I learned how it manifests itself.

If this had been a trial class prior to signing up, I might have been turned off and decided against it. As it is, though, I'm going to attend the one-hour classes next week and see if those treat me any better. The other two ladies seemed to think that coming to a two-hour class on my first day was definitely a bold move, so maybe that should be a hint for the immediate future.

Three hours after class, and I'm still not feeling normal yet. I'm going to crash hard in a matter of minutes.

Slightly Spontaneous

I just joined an Aikido dojo. Paid the two-month introductory fee, got my size-five gi, and now I'm primed and ready to be thrown around like a ragdoll.

I happened upon the dojo's website this week; there was an adult class scheduled for 5:45pm today, so I decided I should go check it out. Before that, though, I did a little research online, read up, watched some videos, and was duly impressed by the art in general. I filled out the dojo's online form last night, then showed up this evening at about the time that class was supposed to start.

I knew where the dojo was, no problem; Aaron and I drive past it just about every weekend. I showed up, removed my shoes where everyone else obviously had (before the quasi-tatami carpeted floor began), and was beckoned in by the sensei. I was shown where the restrooms and changing rooms were, told a little about the art, and invited to sit down and watch class.

The one-hour class focused on one particular throw, and various aspects of how to do it properly. Had I just known the proper way to fall and roll, I felt that I could have done both parts of the throw, thrower and throwee, by the end of the class. Tai Chi and Aikido have distinct similarities in movement and intention, and I could relate to that, having learned two separate forms of Tai Chi in college. My physical fear, the fear of having the living shit beaten out of me, was assuaged when I realized that all the loud noises were purposeful *slaps* on the mat by the person being thrown. I got the impression that it was a signal of sorts: the move is over, we've both completed our parts properly, now let me up. The higher-ranked people tended to be more "fun" and flamboyant with their rolls and smacking of the mat; the lower-ranked (or unranked) tended to fall with more temerity, and gently tap the mat when they'd rolled through and had enough.

The entire time I watched, I was enraptured. All I could think was, "I want to play, too!" In retrospect, I probably should have waited to fill out the paperwork until I'd actually participated in a class... but Sensei does have a policy on his website that guarantees your money back if you aren't satisfied in the first month, or if you think that this dojo just isn't for you. My last real fear, of sparring, was quelled by Sensei after the class, when he told me that they *never* spar. It's all exercises like the one I'd seen: planned out, agreed-upon by both parties. So, I think I'm safe to try this thing out.

What's bizarre to me is that, now, I just show up to a class and jump in. The next Basics seminar (which is included in my first two-month fee) isn't until July 28th. By then, I sure hope I've been taught how to roll properly and all that jazz. Otherwise, I'll be in a world of hurt.

This will be good for me, for many reasons:

1. I need a social outlet besides work.
2. I need a reason to exercise, and a way to make it fun.
3. I need to get outside of my comfort zone more often.
4. I need the mental balance and focus that a martial art can provide.
5. I need to balance my ego/self-centeredness with my humility/self-deprecation.

I didn't realize until I spoke with Sensei after class how egocentric I can be. All I wanted to do was tell him my background, what I know already, why I want to be in his dojo, how much I love Japanese culture, etc. All he wanted to do was get me signed up, give me my dogi, and thank me for joining the dojo. When I gave him my credit card to run, I told him that was the credit card that funded my trip to Japan last month. When he lit up and said, "Really," was my response about how awesome the culture is, or how great of a time I had? No — it was an admission that I'm a bit of a Japan geek. He responded that Aikido was definitely in that same vein; but it was obvious to me that, by turning the topic toward myself and away from our shared love of things Japanese, I had failed to engage his interest.

Now, after having signed my name to the dojo list and paid by credit card, I'm feeling that "oh shit what have I done" feeling... but I know that's just the feeling of my comfort zone being stretched a little. I'm a little boggled that I can just show up and start learning — no primer, no Aikido 101? I'm trying to decide whether I want to start with tomorrow's class and just jump right in, or whether I want to wait until next Monday (or Saturday morning, if I get up early enough). I'll probably just go tomorrow, to jump right in and start learning. Maybe I can show up early and get a quickie on how to roll properly, so I don't kill myself.

By the way... the first thing I did when I got home? Tried on my dogi. I felt like the friggin' Karate Kid, trying to figure out how the damn thing went on. It feels a little big on me, but it's possible that the next size down would be too small; I don't know how the sizes run, and Sensei obviously has more experience in these things than I do.

We'll see how this works out. I'm excited, and nervous, and stoked.