I saw a therapist for the first time in my life this week — not because anything in particular is weighing on my mind, or anything tragic has happened, but just because my primary care physician (and the mental health community in general) assert that antidepressants work best in tandem with talk therapy.
After a few years of stalling, I finally did it. Even so, my opening argument of sorts was, “I feel like I shouldn’t be here.”
The first session was, as expected, a getting-to-know-you session, with a combination of brain-dump from me and required questions from her (e.g. “Are you in any legal trouble?”). As it happens, we found enough in common (including our love of Studio Ghibli and our dark senses of humor) that it wasn’t nearly as awkward as I expected. The outcome of our first one-hour session was a realization that journaling/blogging is an important factor in my mental health, and that I need to get back into the habit of getting my thoughts and feelings out of my head so I can recognize them and acknowledge them.
She also gave me some homework: a “Wellness Wheel” to fill out. I’m supposed to rank my satisfaction with each of eight areas of my life from 1 to 10. The instructions specifically say, “Go with your gut on this one,” so instead of first analyzing each one carefully with positives and negatives like I normally would, I’m just going to throw some numbers out there.
Me being who I am, though, I will present the results using an Excel graph instead of coloring in the worksheet she gave me.
| Category | Description | My Rating |
|---|---|---|
| Physical Health | Eating well, exercising, quality sleep | 8 |
| Mental Health | Healthy mindset and emotions | 7 |
| Relationships | Feeling connected to others | 4 |
| Finances | Budgeting, saving money | 9 |
| Career | Satisfaction with work | 9 |
| Spirituality | Personal growth, seeking understanding | 7 |
| Home | Safe and comfortable living space | 7 |
Now for some details.
I’m pretty content with where my career is right now. I do get stressed out by deadlines, but I enjoy what I do, and I don’t dread the workday. My co-workers are supportive and pleasant to work with, for the most part. I’ve been working from home for over a year now, thanks to the pandemic, so things aren’t exactly “normal” (and never will be again), but it’s all good.
I’m financially stable: no problem paying the bills, actively saving for retirement, continually stashing money into my emergency fund. I’m successfully paying down my credit cards, so my only major debt is the mortgage, my student loan, and a few payments left on the car.
I’m physically healthy overall, despite being overweight. I’m “functionally fit,” meaning I’m physically able to do pretty much anything I need to do in my daily life, or would want to do on a whim — climb stairs, lift things, do laundry, practice martial arts, go roller skating, play with my son, go on a run/walk.
My mental health — mindset, emotions, headspace — is in a pretty good place, but it could be better. I feel like I’m mostly on a pretty even keel, but I tend to take on others’ feelings more than is probably healthy. I also feel guilty and awkward if I don’t share in someone’s emotions — say, if my husband is pissed off about something that doesn’t bother me, or my co-worker is stressing about something that I’m taking in stride. I often tell my son he needs to “own” his actions, meaning that he needs to be honest with himself and others about what he does and why… but I could do a better job of owning my emotions, and not being as much of a sponge for others’.
I wish there were a better word for “spirituality,” but I get the idea. I could probably have rated myself higher in this category, but I feel like my sense of self-understanding could still use some work. Personal Growth (I like that term better than “spirituality”) is an ongoing process, and the more I learn about myself, the more I peel back the onion and uncover more. It’s definitely linked to Mental Health — as well as Physical Health, to an extent. I know that I need sunshine and solitude to recharge myself. I also know that I need external motivation (my cat, my son, my husband, my boss) in order to fulfill certain responsibilities or obligations. My personal beliefs… I guess they could use some reviewing. I have values, I have standards… but being an atheist, it takes some real introspection to pin down any “beliefs” outside the fact that This Is All There Is, So Make The Most Of It. I no longer consider myself a Zen Buddhist — too much woo-woo for me — although if I needed to pigeonhole myself, Secular Buddhism is a thing I could research.
Our home is safe, comfortable, and spacious. My husband and I each have responsibilities around the house, and we’re trying to instill that sense of responsibility in our son, as well. I could make our home a more pleasant place to be if I dealt with my incessant clutter, though, and stepped up with keeping things neat and clean in general. I could also make home life better by helping my son take responsibility for himself, rather than being prompted to do even the most routine things; that’s one of the biggest stressors at home lately. Overall, though, I’m quite content with my home and family life.
Relationships is the one category that I feel is overwhelmingly negative. I’m married to my actual BFF, but my non-marital BFF (my college roomie) lives 2.5 hours away, and we don’t email or call or text nearly as often as we intend to. Thanks to the pandemic, I currently work from home, so any work socialization I used to enjoy is now limited to online chat. I do get out to my martial arts class once or twice a week, and that’s my main social outlet. My husband and I go out on a date night once a month — usually dinner and thrifting and coffee — and that few hours of together-time really helps us to keep our relationship centered. Last month, we went on a double-date with an ex-coworker and his wife; conversation and gaming with someone new was a refreshing change of pace, and something that we’d like to do again.
As far as just having someone to talk to or go out with or to invite over to hang out… no one fits the bill. That’s one big empty hole in my relationships category. The other is family. My mom moved back from out of state just as the pandemic was surging, but we haven’t actually seen her in person since we visited her for Christmas the year before. I should call or text more often than I do. As it is, I tend to get updates about her life from Facebook, unless she texts me about them first, and she gets news of my life from my blog (and the occasional text).
I thrive on solitude, yes, but I also thrive on small-group socialization. Me and a friend over coffee; game night with friends; dinner at someone’s house. Now that the pandemic is winding down, it makes sense to work on improving that aspect of my life. Somehow.