Category Archives: depression

the struggle is real

depression, parenthood, randomness, sewing Leave a comment

Life In General

Rocking it old-school today with a general life data dump on the blog. It’s been a while.

Last night, the owner of the karate studio pulled Connor and me into his office and told us that he thinks Connor is ready for Black Belt Club — that is, he seems to be serious about karate and wants to continue to pursue higher belts and ranks.

Honestly, the main reason Connor wanted to join BBC was to get to play with a sword.

His first go at sword was last night, and he did great. Pretty soon, though, they’ll be learning a different weapon, so we won’t be buying him his own wooden sword anytime soon — he’ll just borrow a sword until the whole group gets their new weapons.

Black Belt Club is really an ingenious way to get families into a longer-term commitment — instead of signing up for a six-month commitment, it becomes a two-year commitment. It’s hard to imagine Connor in third grade, honestly; I hope we haven’t overcommitted.

When I think about it, though, I took ballet classes from age four to age eight, and it was really just a part of my life. I loved it and looked forward to it, and I know my family had to stretch their funds to be able to afford it. Ballet had lasting benefits for me, though, just as I hope karate will for Connor.

* * *

i’ve been staring at my first attempt at a t-shirt for a week or so. It’s been hanging on a hanger in my bedroom, where I can look at it and learn from the mistakes I made while sewing: attaching the neckband to an armhole, sewing the other armband on inside-out, stitching the actual neckband all funny and uneven.

Last night, I decided I would wear it to work today.

Honestly, you really can’t tell unless I point it out that the neckline (artfully hidden under my scarf) is way wavy, or that the hem is also exceptionally wavy. It’s not just a gardening shirt, after all — it’s totally wearable.

My next go-around with a knit tee will probably involve spray starch for the hems (and maybe the seams), and a longer and wider zig-zag stitch. I’ve got plans. I’m learning. I’m damn proud of myself.

* * *

When there were no supermarket flowers awaiting me on the kitchen table this morning alongside Connor’s chocolates, I kind of hoped that I’d be getting a delivery at work today.

As usual, I was not disappointed:

Can’t help lovin’ that man of mine.

* * *

To be frank, I’ve been in kind of a funk lately. I haven’t wanted to do any sewing this week, and I’ve been spending my evenings snacking and watching YouTube (my current obsession is The Origin of Everything by PBS).

Seeing the last couple of days laid out in front of me is starting to help me shake it off. I’m pretty stoked to try sewing up my next knit t-shirt, I’m excited for Connor to extend himself and push himself in karate class (no excuses!), and I feel mighty loved, despite also still feeling like I’m disappointing others left and right.

That’s the normal state of my brain, though; I’m used to it.

depression, randomness Leave a comment

Getting My Feet Under Me

Lately, I’ve been taking one lunch hour per week at The Bux next door, toting my Bluetooth keyboard with me to write. I didn’t really feel like coffee today, though, so today I’m sitting in the 6th floor cafeteria in my office building, trying super hard to ignore the conversations around me.

Yesterday morning, I took a pretty good spill downtown while crossing the street. I thought I was fine at the time — honestly, I still think I’m mostly fine — but I do have some aches and stiffness that I might not have gotten from a fall like that when I was younger. I took some strongish drugs for the aches, and I’m still wearing the anti-nausea patch I put on last night. (I’ll keep it on until I reach the three-day mark or it starts to dilate my eyes, whichever comes first.)

I kinda feel like that overall. I need to get my feet back under me and move forward. I have lots of outstanding, almost-done projects at work; my personal clutter is strewn all over the house; my clothes don’t fit right anymore; and my throat and eyes have that dry, scratchy, I’m Getting Sick kind of feeling. I can’t really focus on just one thing and fix it — I have to continue my triage and keep chipping away at things.

It probably doesn’t help that I’m also behind on my self-imposed January deadlines: posting my 2018 Year In Review, posting a roll of photos to my blog, and sewing a piece of clothing from a commercial pattern. I’ve gotten some things done, like creating a 2019 calendar, making a present for Connor’s friend, Harper, and tracking all of my meals in WW eTools. January is not a total wash by any means.

I really just feel tired, which manifests as feeling depressed and unmotivated. If I can turn things around and get my head in the right place, my brain meds can help me from continuing the spiral.

I’ll bet I can get myself out of this thing if I just focus on getting to bed earlier and being just a little more active every day. That, plus distracting myself from after-dinner snacking, which has been A Major Thing this week. Maybe I can do some meditation during my usual snack time.

I’ve got this. No worries.

depression, randomness Leave a comment

Life Doesn’t Suck, But Hormones Do

Seriously. The logical part of my brain is clearly indicating that my inability to get to sleep lately, combined with the time of month, is making everything seem epic and insurmountable.

Meanwhile, my amygdala is all, “Screw It.”

Nothing is horrible. Things are generally cool. We booked our vacation recently, which has me pretty excited (except for that whole two-piece swimsuit thing, which I am so not in the right mindset for right now). I’m back on the WW wagon, tracking what I eat and exercising when I can. My son is taking karate and seems to be really enjoying it.

But all the little shit is just piling on, bit by bit.

Continue reading →

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Valid Reasons For Feeling Meh

Blog entry: from the car.

Let’s see how this works out. I’ve never dictated a blog entry using Siri while I was driving, but there’s a first time for everything.

This is actually kind of cool, except for when my phone thinks that I’m done because I pause too long.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about feeling kind of meh today, since it doesn’t happen very often anymore. (Sidenote: it seems that if I don’t use Siri, and instead I just use the microphone, it works pretty well with my Shatner-esque pauses.)

As I was checking my email on the john this morning, I learned that some friends of ours are moving 40 minutes away. They currently live about 5 to 10 minutes from our house. So, that was kind of a bummer for me, although I am super glad for them. It sounds like they’re super excited to move out to the country.

It’s kind of funny, though, because their idea of the perfect place to live is the exact opposite of what we were looking for when we wanted a house. What we wanted was something close to the highway, so we could get places quickly. What they wanted was no neighbors.

Then, when I went to drive my son to school this morning, I saw that it was spitting rain or snow or something in between. I was displeased.

So, I guess I can actually pointed to a couple of good reason why I have that familiar old feeling today. It happens. I’ll get over it.

Edit to add: Also, people who drive 15 mph through downtown infuriate me. Not what I needed.

depression, health & fitness Leave a comment

File Under…

Just checking in from the downtown Starbucks over my lunch break. I haven’t been very active on the blog lately, so I figured I’d take this opportunity to just write a little about whatever comes to mind.

To be honest, my initial thought had been to bitch about how I’ve been feeling kind of meh lately. Not sure if it’s the weird weather lately — is it autumn or isn’t it? — or if it’s hormonal or chemical or if I’m just not getting enough sleep or eating right. Actually, it’s probably all of the above. Surprisingly, though, since I made the decision this morning to pull myself out of it, I’ve felt noticeably better.

My improvement in mood might also have something to do with me getting near the end of my major work project. It’s kind of a big deal, and I’m (more than) kind of proud of my role in it. It’s been a rollercoaster getting to the end of it — last-minute data wonkiness, the mobile piece still not working as expected (which is out of my control), and documentation for days. It’ll be a huge win for me once it gets into production, though. Plus, I’ve really had fun digging into Microsoft Power BI.

Back to my mental health for a moment: it’s funny how just making the decision to turn my week around can make such a huge difference to my attitude. Before Prozac and Wellbutrin, a slump like that would have lasted a good week or more, and I would have beaten myself up over my inability to even locate my bootstraps to start pulling myself up. Now, though, the decision to focus on eating healthier today (after a couple days of doughnuts and cookies and carbiness in general) already has me thinking about how I’d like to sit and meditate tonight, and get to bed early, and how I’ll be able to deal with my son’s own attitude problems so much better when I’m in the right headspace myself.

Last night, after butting heads with my son over bedtime stuff, I found myself watching Good Eats on Amazon and eating a fourth meal and two or three desserts. I knew food wasn’t the answer, but I kept eating, anyway.

(Sidebar: OMG! Good Eats Reloaded premieres on the Cooking Channel on Monday! Can. Not. Wait.)

Tonight? I’ll probably do some tidying up, water some plants that need it, and prep for my NEW COMPUTER that’s arriving this weekend (that’s a story in itself, but my current desktop is some eight years old, so I’m stoked).

Being able to consciously decide not to be in a shitty mood, and to do the things I enjoy doing again, is a huge deal. It’s huge. I keep forgetting how huge it is, because it finally feels normal to me. It’s not until I slip back briefly that I realize how NOT normal it was for me to feel meh all the goddamn time.

Hooray for pharmaceuticals and modern medicine.