dianaschnuth

…At least as far as aikido is concerned.

I know you’re all probably tired of hearing me go on about my chosen martial art, so I’ll just mention a couple things:

1. Sensei chose to teach a class entirely on ukemi today.
2. Sensei never read my e-mail, because it got lumped in with the spam.

This means that a.) Sensei doesn’t know how much of a goober I sounded, and b.) his somewhat random choice of topic was entirely fortuitous and had nothing to do with me. It may, however, have had a little to do with the two mighty new mukyu in attendance.

I feel much somewhat more confident about my ability to fall and not hurt myself now. I at least recognize what elements I may be missing. Now I have some more simple ukemi exercises I can do at home, too.

The leg is feeling a little weak after class, but not painful. I’m feeling pretty fine overall. Being all nervous about going back to class after two weeks was a little silly in retrospect.

I talked to my Mom on the phone today. She’s been reading my blog, including my aikido injury reports, and suggested that maybe I should find some other discipline to try. As she pointed out, I’m not getting any younger, and I haven’t been doing sports or other activities during my life so far to build up to this. Most of my aikido writings *have* been focusing on how I hurt myself, or how sore I am, or how bad I got my ass handed to me.

The thing is, though, that I want to be better. I want to test for rank in October. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it, since I have to have thirty hours logged at the dojo to qualify… but I’d like to try. I want to be limber. I want to be strong. I want to be able to do crazy ukemi acrobatics without fucking pulling my groin.

A month ago, I would have taken this suggestion as a godsend — you’re absolutely right. It’s too hard. I’ll tell Sensei I’m done. Now, though… I guess I do need to talk to Sensei, but I need to ask him what I should be doing to practice ukemi at home without hurting myself.

It feels like dancing, like art, except that I don’t know all the steps. It still feels like it should make sense, if only I had the muscle memory and the strength and the knowledge. I know that’s what practice is for, but it’s frustrating that I keep trying to learn, but I feel like I’m limited physically rather than mentally. It’s not a limitation I’m used to dealing with; I’m used to learning something, and it being learned. The end. I’m not used to imagining my position in space and time (and midair) and maneuvering myself in a certain way and not knowing whether I can even physically *do* what I’m supposed to do, let alone coordinate my mind and my muscles to do it.

This is why I joined the dojo, though, isn’t it? To open up my comfort zone? To become more disciplined?

I want to practice here at home, but I don’t want to hurt myself again and delay my return to class. Maybe I’ll e-mail Sensei before Wednesday and see if he has any words of wisdom for me.

Update, 7:30pm: I sent an e-mail to Sensei, letting him know what had happened and why I haven’t been at the dojo. I also asked him if I should lay off until I heal, or just come in and do what I can, but then I deemed my question silly (yes, all in the e-mail) and told him I’d be at the dojo on Wednesday. We’ll see if he responds, or if he just greets me on Wednesday like nothing ever happened.

Two weeks ago, I pulled my groin at aikido by doing a poorly-executed roll. It was finally feeling better, though, so I decided to do a little ukemi practice in my basement tonight before going back to aikido tomorrow morning. Even set up the point-and-shoot to take some video of myself rolling, to help pinpoint what I’m doing wrong, or where I can improve. Ended up doing upwards of ten to a dozen rolls total. That’s a lot for me at this point.

Guess what I did.

My groin doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as it did when I first injured it — I probably just aggravated the injury. But now I have a conflict: do I go to aikido anyway, and risk exacerbating my leg further, or do I sleep in and skip aikido again and basically wipe my ass with over fifty bucks total for these two wasted weeks?

If I do decide to rest my leg instead of going to class, is my injury just a mental crutch, an excuse not to stretch my comfort zone anymore? I don’t think so, since I had been looking forward to getting back to class. Still… maybe. I don’t know. It’s a tough call, because I *am* paying for this, even if I’m not attending.

*checks credit card statement*

Apparently, I pay for this in arrears; I just got charged for my two-month initial lump sum. Still, though, I’m paying for this. A goodly amount, though not an unreasonable amount. It’s unreasonable for me not to go and get my money’s worth. But it’s also unreasonable to go do the most intense physical activity I’ve ever done in my life on an injured leg.

Can you tell I’m of two minds with this?

This is ridiculous. If I wait until tomorrow morning to decide whether to go, I’ll end up staying in bed. I know me. I know how my half-asleep mind works. I’d really hate to make things worse, though…

We’ll see.

(I can’t believe I’m actually posting this asinine stream-of-consciousness argument with myself. I sound ridiculous. However, I will go through with the post to amuse and entertain you, my readers. All fifteen of you.)

I’m finding it really fascinating, meeting my various sempai on the aikido mat and seeing how their minds work. I find that I gravitate toward certain people (and try to keep away from others), not so much because of their technique, but because of their attitude.

I find that I take ukemi better (i.e. I fall better) when a powerful and confident technique is performed on me. Hell, being thrown by Sensei is downright fun; I come up smiling almost every time. One of my sempai even commented that I’m falling much better now — I thanked him, but I really wanted to thank him for performing the technique with such finesse. It makes falling easier when my energy is honestly being shifted around, instead of just going through the motions.

Some of my sempai seem to handle me with kid gloves, and don’t put enough actual energy into the movement. It’s difficult for me to turn up the energy when faced with someone who won’t reciprocate. Just throw me. Just do the joint-lock. Don’t worry about my lack of hakama and rank; you won’t hurt me. I learn more from someone who’s doing the technique all-out, no holds barred. —Strike that. I learn more from nage doing the technique at a moderate pace, step-by-step but with a discernible flow, methodically, so I can follow.

My favorite is when I get with someone — there are a few people like this — who takes joy in aikido and puts it into the technique. Several of my lower-ranked sempai are like this. Their technique isn’t flawless, but the energy is there, and the joy is in their face, and they make me feel it, too. The higher-ranked sempai who have this spark in them are wonderful teachers; they won’t let me continue a technique wrong. They’ll just stop and let me start over, or stop and let me figure out on my own how to shift my energy properly. The lower ranks will simply start doing commentary on their own technique aloud as they throw me, so I can think the same commentary step-by-step as I throw them.

I’m not comfortable being the more experienced partner yet, though. I do have a couple of kohai — actually, I don’t know if I can really be said to have kohai, as I’m still unranked, and I’m not sure if the newer mukyu would count as my kohai. I think they would, though. At any rate, the some of the newer mukyu and even a couple of the rokyu (lowest rank) are more hesitant than I about certain techniques. I’m not comfortable trying to say anything to help; in fact, I’m pretty sure that’s inappropriate for someone of my ranklessness. Still, I could lead by example, but the temerity of my partner almost always makes me more timid.

This is all golden. I’m learning so much about myself and my interactions with other people in general.

Bottom line? I need to trust myself more, have more confidence in myself.

This is why I joined the dojo.