Category Archives: ruminations

depression, ruminations Leave a comment

Feeling Meh

In the early days of my blog, I had nothing but time. Ten years ago, I’d sit at my computer and ruminate about my life and my job and whatever I thought was important — or was just at the front of my mind.

Now I’ve discovered that I can crank out a few paragraphs on the laptop while my toddler is watching Dora the Explorer, after dinner and before bathtime. It’s good for documenting stuff like a car accident or a morning of gardening, but not so much for sitting and quietly thinking about things. Then, I have maybe an hour after he goes to bed before my brain decides that it’s done for the night — no more thinking and writing and thinking some more until the wee hours (or even until 10:00).

If I didn’t have a small person depending on me this evening, I might have curled up on the couch for a few hours and just read magazines or played on my phone or the laptop. It’s just one of those days. And it’s funny: the fact that I feel kind of meh makes me feel bad for feeling meh. Even though I was in a car accident, I wasn’t injured badly enough for it to really affect my quality of life. I’m feeling better, although I do wish the insurance side of things was moving along a bit more swiftly.

The accident crash report was posted to the police department’s website this morning. As a result, I got ten unsolicited phone calls (one of which went to voicemail) and two unsolicited texts from chiropractors, physical therapists masquerading as accident victim advocacy firms, and personal injury lawyers. I did not, however, get a call from the other guy’s insurance, although I did finally get the agent’s name and number and the claim number.

I’m feeling better physically, but damned if I’m not all tense now about driving on the highway (or, as everyone around here calls it, the “expressway”). Driving is not the joy it once was, partly due to our second car’s lack of punch, and partly due to my new… “phobias” is too strong of a word, so we’ll call them… stressors. People who hug the line. People who tailgate. People who drive alongside me and put me in their blind spot.

I also feel funny just doing this free-writing in my blog. It’s been so long since I felt the need to just vent on my blog about how I’m feeling — partially due to lack of time; and partially due to the fact that, most times, if I need to vent, it’s about a person or an event that really doesn’t need to be public knowledge. (I didn’t used to have that kind of restraint. It surprises me what I can find in my archives.)

I have shit I still need to do tonight. Clean out my son’s humidifier, pack his lunch, pack my lunch, gather my yoga clothes for tomorrow. Maybe I should stop worrying that I sound all mopey and just hit Publish and go get my shit done and go to bed a little early.

health & fitness, ruminations Leave a comment

Today’s Yoga Epiphany

In the middle of Pigeon, it hit me. I was overcome with emotion, after being “in the zone” and hitting every pose and having my mind clear of distractions and judgments.

Am I ever going to be “happy” with my body?

My knees kind of bow inward funny. My arms never seem to fully straighten. I never manage to look like my limbs are fully extended. Will that change when I reach my goal weight? Or my goal fitness level, whatever that may be? When can I be content with what I look like and how I feel? When can I stop comparing myself to others?

I almost broke into tears, face-down and pretzel-twisted on the mat.

Not from sadness, but from understanding. In another life, I might have called it a religious experience.

It was a little piece of enlightenment… and yet, not quite. Because I can see it, I can comprehend it, but I’m still not quite there yet.

 

Later in the day, I logged my workout on DailyMile and gave our yoga instructor mad props for a great class:

In the zone! @dmallette picked up the pace early on, then added side planks and balance work into the mix. It felt strong and meditative to me, which led to one or two random personal epiphanies in the middle of class.

 

Doug, of course, saw my post:

@dianaschnuth That’s fantastic and made my day! If you care to share, I’d love to hear about your epiphanies!

 

I thought for a moment, then responded.

@dmallette They were personal and yet not, in a Zen kind of way. During pigeon, I had this big moment of When Will I Be Happy With My Body?

@dmallette I was suddenly critical of how my limbs don’t seem to straighten just so, and I realized that it’s not a fault. It’s how I *am*.

@dmallette It was a surprisingly emotional moment after a full class of being “in the zone” and stoically focusing on form.

 

Being almost uncomfortably honest with others brings me one step closer to being honest with myself.

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Irony

Four years and three months ago, I was ten weeks into a planned pregnancy. We’d conceived on our first go at it, but the resulting pregnancy was fraught with complications. On a Friday evening in January 2007, Aaron and I found ourselves at The Toledo Hospital, dealing with the results of my miscarriage.

That weekend, we sat down and re-evaluated our life together, and decided to take a temporary fork away from the typical married-with-kids plan. We decided that we really could afford our long-dreamed-of trip to Japan — and that started a trend that we later decided to continue indefinitely.

We opted not to have children after all. I gave away the few parenting books and baby paraphernalia I’d collected for “someday when we have kids” and went on The Pill. We continued planning vacations (Japan, Hawaii, Japan again, Mexico, and Aruba upcoming in 2011), and settled in for a life of being Just The Two Of Us And Our Cat.

February 2011. My second missed period, after having religiously taken The Pill every night around 10pm. Called the OBGYN’s office on Monday; they told me to take a home pregnancy test, just to rule out that outcome. Took the pee test on Monday after work.

Positive.

In a three-day whirlwind of tests — urine, blood, and ultrasound — we went from being Just The Two Of Us And Our Cat to picking up where we’d left off four years before: ten weeks pregnant.

It’s now six weeks later, and this pregnancy has been complication-free thus far. Medically, anyway; Aaron and I are both finding this quite complicated to wrap our brains around. On our good days, though, we’re actually pretty excited about this next chapter in our lives.

Just The Two Of Us And Our Cat will become Just The Three Of Us And Our Cat on (or around) September 26, 2011.

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Whatever Comes To Mind

It’s been a while since I just posted a straight-up stream-of-consciousness blog post. I generally don’t feel comfortable posting what I’m actually thinking or feeling or doing or whatever anymore, what with everyone being all PRIVACY ONLINE OMG. But, tonight, I’m feeling that kind of down-on-myself tension that used to lead up to a long, handwritten journal entry back in the day.

I also don’t always feel comfortable posting about what’s bothering me because whoever’s involved with the situation will invariably come back to me later and comment that they didn’t realize that I was so upset that I had to resort to blogging about it.

That’s just how I roll. Or how I used to roll, anyway.

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ruminations

Priorities

I find it oddly hilarious that I had been planning to write a blog entry about setting priorities for myself, but now I find that I’d rather go play a game than write a blog entry. Priorities, indeed.

Very well, then, the short version:

  • I feel happier in a clean house. Therefore, daily cleaning should be a priority for me.
  • I feel healthier and more energetic when I eat well and exercise. Therefore, I should plan my meals carefully and exercise daily.
  • I love my husband and want him to be happy. Therefore, I should be present in every moment I’m with him, and think of things that will make him happy when I can’t be with him.

There are so many other things I want to be sure to prioritize, like keeping in touch with friends and family (outside of Facebook, whenever possible), and improving my photography, and editing together old video memories, and researching my genealogy, and writing, and on and on. It’s far too easy to let the priority list become a to-do list, though, and that’s what I’m trying to get away from.

I think that the closer I can get to a very Zen, minimalist lifestyle (which is not to say dry and boring, but simple and focused), the happier I’ll be in general.