depression Leave a comment

At Least I Can See It Coming Now

I hit the button to start writing a new post, and now I have a blank page staring back at me.

I’m here because I’m feeling kind of blah, and have felt that way for a good part of the day, for no discernible reason. Worked from home this morning, took my son to a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. Read a magazine because I didn’t want to play on my phone anymore. Ordered sushi for dinner (Connor requested a Philly roll and a Salmon Skin roll).

Haven’t wanted to do a damn thing this whole afternoon. There’s stuff I’ve wanted to get done, but nothing I wanted to take action on. I recognize this mood: if I’m not careful, I’ll end up watching YouTube for two or three hours and possibly eating an after-dinner snack and two desserts.

I received a friend request from a duplicate account on Facebook that actually does seem likely to be who they say they are. Still, though, I’m skeptical of all duplicate FB accounts. I contacted them via all other channels to verify — multiple email addresses, their other FB account — with no answer yet. I’m a little concerned, but not sure what I can do, and that’s not helping my funk right now.

If I don’t distract myself somehow, I’ll start down the path of legit reasons I have to be down on myself, and that’s definitely not helpful.

We’ll see.

ADHD, krav maga, mental health, weight loss Leave a comment

Selected to Begin Training

The email arrived in my inbox this afternoon, about five hours after I sent a message explaining Connor’s recent absence from the dojo.

I received the email in duplicate: once for Connor, and once for myself. It read, “We are excited to announce that you are invited to participate in Black Belt Testing this fall!” Attached was a document (which, had we been present at class this week, we would also have received in hard copy) detailing the upcoming mandatory meetings and test dates.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

Lately, I haven’t been in the best headspace, generally speaking. I’ve had that behind-the-eight-ball feeling for quite some time now, like I can’t summon enough cares to give about much of anything. The mind-body connection is real, and I’m getting a definite chicken-and-egg downward-spiral vibe.

I’m currently carrying some thirty pounds of fat that I DO NOT WANT, and my new nutritionist is telling me to reject “diet culture” and instead learn to listen to my body. —I don’t know if I can trust my body to know what it really needs, nutritionally speaking, especially since my brain has a dopamine problem (i.e. ADHD).

I’m not confident in my ability to meet the fitness requirements of the upcoming black belt testing — so much so that I hesitate to even write down the Black Best Testing dates on the calendar. Granted, I have a personalized strength training program at the Fitness Center at my work centered specifically on my black belt fitness requirements, so it’s not like I’m not working toward my goal… but I’m still dubious. It’s not a for-sure thing in my mind that I’ll be able to complete 40 push-ups, a two-minute forearm plank, or 1,000 jumping jacks, along with the other calisthenic requirements — not even considering the actual curriculum, which I think I do have a pretty good grasp on.

I’ll keep showing up, putting in the work, and pushing forward like I always do. Maybe I’ll surprise myself.