There was a week where I had a couple of really shitty days in a row, food-wise. Went way over my Daily Target and blew through all 49 Weekly Points in just a couple of days. The next day, I decided to do a half-assed fast: no breakfast or lunch, but all the fluids I can drink. I started the day with a glass of milk and some vitamins, and didn’t feel hungry or lightheaded until 11:30, when I ate a few homemade cookies a co-worker brought in. So, “breakfast” and “lunch” were 8 PPVs total, out of my daily 28, and I drank a total of five cups of tea during the course of the workday. Honestly, apart from that one little bout of feeling lightheaded, it wasn’t that big of a deal. I also probably could have eaten the leftover banana at my desk for lunch instead of the cookies and been just fine, too.
Then I ate my banana and went home. I wasn’t sure what to expect: would I binge out and go ballistic and eat everything in sight, or would I be able to rein myself in and eat a fruit salad or something else especially light for dinner? I ate a normal dinner, and then was still hungry, of course, in addition to feeling just generally weird and “off.” In the end, I went over my Daily Target, anyway, which wasn’t entirely unexpected.
I guess the upshot of this little experiment was the reminder that being hungry isn’t an emergency. I don’t have to shove food in my mouth as soon as I get a little twinge (or as soon as I’m bored). I’ll be just fine until my next planned meal, especially if I stay properly hydrated.
In other news, I’ve decided to start a list of my known trigger foods. Trigger foods, for those who may not be familiar with the term, are foods which trigger a binge response, either causing the eater to eat until the trigger food is gone or — even worse — to keep eating even after they’ve put down the trigger food. For some people, it’s potato chips. For me, the current short list is:
Macaroni and Cheese
Stroganoff (beef or turkey or meatless)
I already knew about my triggers, of course. I’ll eat an entire box of Kraft Dinner or an entire pan of brownies just because it’s there. On one particular day, though, I ate a Bacon Macaroni and Cheese frozen meal for lunch. As I scraped the last of the cheese and bacon crumbs from the plastic tray, I thought, That wasn’t enough macaroni. I’ll bet there’s mac and cheese to be had on the 6th floor. At which point I took my $4 to the 6th floor and bought an additional 10 PPVs worth of macaroni and cheese (if not more). Which then short-circuited my stomach-brain connection somehow, making me want to continue eating. Luckily, I stopped short of doing anything really dumb, like getting a honey bun from the vending machine, but two servings of macaroni plus yogurt plus pudding plus a Fiber One cookie was too much lunch in the end.
Today, I did what I rarely do: I skipped my official Weight Watchers weigh-in. I weigh daily at home, and I knew I was up from last week, and I was planning to go to a fitness class today, anyway, and just weigh in and skip the meeting itself.
So I didn’t go.
I marked a little dash for this week’s weight on the big graph on my cube wall, and I called last week done and over with. Fresh start.
I know I didn’t do my best this week, but I also know that I’ll feel shitty and self-conscious all week if I stare at a big blip in the chart that’s hanging just beyond my monitor. Better to simply remind myself that I’m NOT on maintenance. Sure, this is a lifestyle change, but I’m in active weight loss mode right now. Or I should be.
I took a photo of myself in a full-length mirror this weekend, and I didn’t like what I saw. Maybe I’ll print it and post it by my graph to remind myself why I’m doing this.
I was looking at Roni Noone’s old Goals page, and thinking about what my weight loss and fitness goals are. That’s actually a post in and of itself, more along the lines of Why Do I Want To Lose Weight, but goals specifically have been on my mind lately.
Once upon a time, my goals might have been to run a marathon, or a half-marathon. Now that I know that impactful exercise will cause me back pain (so much so that I’ve been substituting low-jacks for jumping jacks during kickboxing class, and opting not to jump during the power squats), I also know that running is out of the question. There are plenty of other fitness goals, though, both numbers-related and not.
Diet and fitness are like religion in so many ways — mainly how most people think that their way is the true “right” way; but also in that everyone is in a different headspace, and needs different things at a given time. What one person needs right now won’t necessarily work for their friend, or even for themselves at a different point in their life. Roni has been at a healthy weight for so long that she doesn’t even use her bathroom scale anymore. It causes more harm to her than good. For those of us who are still actively losing weight, though, that scale can be key. Sure, there are times when you know the number on the scale doesn’t reflect how good (or bad) you look or feel, but the scale-based victories are real and necessary.
That said, my main goal is to weigh in (at my Weight Watchers meeting) at my goal weight of 160 pounds by Thanksgiving 2015. Not necessarily to stay there through the holidays, mind you — just to see it, to know it’s attainable. For the record, I have about fifteen pounds to go.
I’d also like to comfortably fit into size 12 pants. Someday, I’d love to see if I can fit into a size 10, but I’m not sure it’s physically possible (or healthy, I should say) for my height and build.
I want to strengthen my arms and core enough to be able to jump (or lift myself, really, if I’m doing it right) into a forward fold from downward dog. The last time I tried that, the impact was too much on my lower back.
I want to get into weight training — nothing Olympic in nature, though, as deadlifts and related moves are not recommended for my back. After I get into a routine — maybe once it gets cold and snowy and I’m not so keen on walking outside for a while — then I can set some lifting goals.
My biggest goal, though — the one that will make the most difference in my life?
Be comfortable in my own skin.
And I’m almost there.