dianaschnuth

James is kicking that ass, and is down 1.6% from his Spring starting weight.

I, on the other hand, am 1½ pounds up from my Spring starting weight. I ate poorly during my weekend Aikido seminar, on top of having sore and swollen muscles, so my weight shot up drastically. Then, as I was finally starting to drop the excess weight mid-week, I got a cold — the kind of cold that, at the beginning (while my nose still worked properly), made me just want to curl up on the couch under a blankie and eat mac & cheese while watching TV.

Where’s my motivation?

I bought a 2X girlie tee at Steve and Barry’s this weekend. It fits better than an XL girlie tee from Threadless, but I still wouldn’t wear it out in public. I feel like a sausage squeezed into it. Yes, I know that girlie tees are supposed to be form-fitting… I just don’t particularly care for my form right now. I honestly bought it as motivation.

Some people want to lose weight so they’ll be around for their kids. Some people have had the Motivator Of Last Resort, their doctor, tell them to lose the weight or die in five years. I want to lose weight because… I’m tired of feeling self-conscious about my size? I don’t want my knees to hurt anymore? I want to stop shopping in the Plus Size stores? I want to feel better, physically?

I know that there are things I should be doing. I should get my ass up early and jog around the block before work. I shouldn’t skip Aikido if I can help it. I should do strength training more often (and anything would be more often than I do now). I should eat at home on weekends more often.

It’s like Sandra Ahten says: What am I willing to do? Am I willing to do an upper body workout tonight, while I have a head cold? Am I willing to dig out my PUSH DVDs and work out with those every evening I don’t go to Aikido? Am I willing to wake up early enough to make breakfast at home, instead of taking a meal replacement bar or a banana or half a bagel to work?

And what is my motivation? Short-term: I want to beat James in this challenge. Bragging rights. Free dinner. I’d also wanted to look and feel better for my upcoming vacation in O’ahu, but it’s only one month away now (OK, 4½ weeks, but who’s counting?), and I’m not willing to crash-diet to lose some stupid amount of weight in four weeks. I could safely lose about ten pounds, though, and that’s something.

So, that’s where I stand. Behind the eight-ball, it seems, but still trying to apply my big-picture vision to my daily choices. Tired of overthinking this. Tired of saying the same shit every week. Can’t I just fucking get myself into gear?

*sigh*

I need self-motivation, not self-deprecation. Aye, there’s the rub.

Edit, 8:30pm: Located my PUSH DVDs, dating back to April 2006. Did a 40-minute PUSH workout. Feeling good for several reasons: a.) exercise is good for my brain, b.) I weigh less than I did 2 years ago, per the Profile section of the DVD, and c.) the entire workout I did was easier than I remember it being before.

Baby steps. Positive thinking. It’s all good.