On the day before my black belt test, I had my regularly-scheduled appointment with my therapist, who just so happens to be a 4th-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. She suggested that I write down how it felt to have passed my black belt test, especially since the memory of feelings can fade or change with time.
At the end of the nearly six hours of intense testing (punctuated by a handful of short breaks for water and/or snacks), Mr. Turner faced the line-up of black belt candidates and asked us how we felt. For me, “relieved” was the first word that came to mind.
I made it through six hours of testing without injuring myself. At age 46, with my back problems and knee problems, making it through the test uninjured was a huge relief. That had honestly been my main goal: push as hard as I could for as long as I could without getting hurt. During the test, I could feel my lower back and my left knee weakening as I pushed myself to the limit. At one point during the grappling portion of the test, I even approached Mr. Turner and told him (in a voice that, to my embarrassment, started to quaver with emotion) that if he saw me stop during the exercise, it wouldn’t be because I didn’t want to continue — it would only be because I can’t. I told him that I planned to train to failure if necessary, but that I was getting frustrated. Of course, he reminded me that getting emotional wouldn’t help, and basically just to keep going.
After the test was over, though, the constant low-level stress of uncertainty and self-doubt of the past several months had finally lifted. I had finally made it through the gauntlet of black belt testing. I am worthy. I am enough. I wasn’t “given” a belt promotion just by virtue of continuing to show up; I earned it.
A sampling of the fun we endured:
- Punches on the wave bags for speed, power, and technique
- Sparring: one-on-one, two-on-one, and constant switching-out of sparring partners
- Drilling choke defenses
- Grappling drills, including kicking from the ground
- Drilling knife defense and gun defense
- Finale: “shark bait” many-on-one defense, including knife, gun, stick, chokes, bear hugs, headlocks, et al.
I see now, looking at my Hour Three Selfie, why my classmates all say I look so intense and angry when I’m going hard. I look pretty pissed. I’m a little intimidated by Black Belt Test Selfie Diana, truth be told. She looks like she is NOT going to put up with any shit.
Is that really me?
Hell, yes.
We did it. We all did it. Whether we were scared or hesitant or unsure or excited or nervous or what have you, we all made it happen. We all lifted each other up along the way, and came out the other side as stronger people.
We didn’t just show up. We showed up and kicked ass.