dianaschnuth

These weights are snapshots of each Tuesday, not weekly averages, but dang. We’re both slipping off course in a big way.

Aikido will be a big help in upcoming weeks, as I start going back to class. I’ll be ramping up my participation in Aikido over the next few weeks in preparation for the weekend-long workshop with Bill-Sensei, my Sensei’s teacher. It’s a big deal, and not to be missed, but I’m concerned about me being able to last through a Friday evening, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning. Hence, the ramping-up of activity to prepare.

I choose to give myself one week of not journaling my eating habits, during which I’m going to take a long, hard look at what my goals are and what I’m willing to do to achieve them. I’m just coming off of a weird time at work, with lots of training out-of-town (well, two out of the last three weeks, anyway), and I feel like I need time to settle my brains.

I’ve also been kind of slightly depressed/jealous after seeing a friend’s vacation photos from Barbados. (I know you didn’t mean it, but girlfriend, you look super-curvy-hot.) My friend — we’ll just call her BG, but she can speak up here if she wants — is probably my same BMI, but shorter, and… well… there’s no sensitive way to put it: she has HUGE hooters. Huge. And she looks mighty fine in a bikini, let me tell you. Curves in all the right places, and all smooth textured skin. If I were into girls… well, since I’m not, we won’t go there.

I looked at last year’s “before” pictures of me in my first-ever-as-an-adult two-piece swimsuit (that will probably never be seen by anyone in public), and was highly disappointed. My stomach has this weird indent around the waistline from wearing too-tight jeans all through junior high and high school (why didn’t anyone ever tell me about the Muffin Top?). My thighs are all dimply, and I’m a little knock-kneed (although I’m probably the only one who notices).

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my friend BG, but it’s hard. I can compare me now to me back in 2003, fifty pounds ago… but that seems like an old victory. I’ve stayed within a ten-pound range for the past four years or so, but I’m not done with myself. I have a good thirty or thirty-five pounds before I’m where I’d love to be, although I’d be satisfied with losing another fifteen for now.

It’s all a matter of what I’m willing to do. I need to sit down and give that some thought this week.

Famous last words: “If I stick to my diet and ramp up the exercise, I see no reason why I shouldn’t reach my 5% goal this week.”

Blah.

I actually did very well while I was out of town for my training. I ate a small breakfast every day, ate a sensible lunch (though not always nutrient-rich — lunch for a couple of days was jerky and trail mix), and ate whatever for dinner. I didn’t let myself get overly stuffed, though, even at the Chinese buffet. This past week’s downfall was — drumroll, please? — the weekend. Mediterranean food and Max & Erma’s were both part of my weekend. I can’t remember what the third meal out was, but it wasn’t good for me, obviously. I ballooned to 207 after the weekend’s food festivities.

My weekly average weight chart is starting to curve the wrong way; I need to get this under control NOW and get back on the wagon. I’m going to aikido tomorrow for the first time in three weeks, and I’ve been doing strength training for the past couple of days (yesterday was abs, today was arms). I’ve been continuing to walk at lunchtime, even in the sub-freezing cold, although the colder weather leads to shorter walks.

This week, I’m focusing on not just getting to bed earlier, but establishing a nightly routine. I get my lunch ready, gather my iPod and PDA and whatnot (and tonight, “whatnot” will include packing my aikido bag), then sit zazen (seated meditation) for 20 minutes. I’ve found that really helps me slow down my mind at the end of the day. I’m not sure if it helps me sleep better, but I know it’s good for me on several levels. After zazen, I wash my face and brush my teeth and get into bed, and allow myself to read for a half hour before lights out.

Speaking of my nightly routine, it’s about time for me to go do that. Before I go, though, I want to commit to eating LESS this weekend. Not avoiding eating out altogether, but at least making more sensible decisions. Like getting the chicken salad croissant with tortilla soup instead of the cajun chicken pasta. Like eating an appetizer or half of an entree-sized salad for lunch. That’s my goal for this week: eat sensibly in restaurants.

Next Tuesday, I go with my co-worker to Chicago for more training, so I may or may not be able to update. We’ll see how I do in Chicago…

Several years ago: New Year’s Eve at Aaron’s apartment on Enterprise in BG. After a long evening of adult beverages, food, and video games, I find myself lying on Aaron’s bed, with the room spinning around me. “I don’t want to be drunk anymore,” I say, as rationally as possible. Aaron patiently puts me to bed to sleep it off.

Last week: Bronchitis. The first case I can remember having — or at least, having officially diagnosed (I couldn’t remember back when I had it at age one). One week after being diagnosed and getting prescription meds, I find myself still hacking and coughing and not yet at 100%. “I don’t want to be sick anymore,” I say, between coughs, knowing full well that only time and meds will cure what ails me.

Now. Overweight. Still, after years of struggling (sometimes all-out, sometimes admittedly half-assed). I see myself in a video, full-length, doing aikido, looking frumpy and out of shape and unattractive. And it hits me: “I don’t want to be fat anymore,” I say to myself.

I’m steadily losing a pound and a half per week, and have been doing so since January. I’ve lost nine pounds, give or take. If I keep going at this rate, I could potentially be at my “ideal” weight by the end of August. I’m just so sick of looking and feeling the way I do, and so frustrated with the amount of time (and willpower and planning) it’s going to take to do it right.

I guess all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing. Keep moving in the right direction, one step at a time, and eventually I’ll get there. I’m still curious to see what I’ll look like in thirty pounds. It’s just… damn. I’m sick of being fat.

As you may recall, I had a really fun case of bronchitis last week. I’m still getting over said bronchitis — I still have another day and a half of antibiotics to go — but I at least met my week’s goal of maintaining my weight and diminishing the nasty rattle in my chest.

Highlights of the week include me skipping aikido on Wednesday and Saturday, due to a nasty and persistent cough; eating a deliberate all-out cheat meal on Saturday at Famous Dave’s with Aaron, Mark and Rocky; and caving to my own desire for Chinese at lunch on Sunday. Other than that, my week involved going to work, not walking much (probably a poor idea to walk outside in sub-freezing temps with bronchitis), and being miserable and annoyed with my breathing difficulties.

However. Now that the nasty hacking cough has diminished to a mere occasional rattle, it’s time to step things back up. Last night, I did some upper body work: three supersets of dumbbell chest presses with bent over rows, and three supersets of concentration curls with tricep extensions (12 reps per set). This evening, I can feel mild but noticeable soreness in my pecs, my upper back / shoulders, and my biceps. I think that workout’s a keeper.

Tomorrow, I plan to go to Aikido for the first time since my test. How I feel during and afterward will determine whether I attempt to go on Saturday morning or not.

As an aside? Watching the video of kyu testing made me realize how frumpy I look in real life. It almost made me not want to go back to aikido at all. I was so embarrassed — I look sluggish and dumpy, especially compared to others (even others of my same rank). Anytime I feel my will for weight loss fading, all I need to do is watch the thirty seconds of my close-up; THAT should scare me back into line.

I feel like President Skroob: “Why didn’t somebody TELL me my ass was so big?!”

Anyway. Plan of attack for the coming week. Exercise, and lots of it. Daily lunchtime walks are a given, but I need to add in strength training in the evenings. I’m planning to do some abs tonight (after I work on the Toledo Zen Center’s podcast), then tomorrow is Aikido, then I’ll probably rinse and repeat with the upper body thing I did yesterday. (Aikido is not only a decent cardio workout, but the falling down and standing back up for an hour is a great leg workout, too.)

If I stick to my diet and ramp up the exercise, I see no reason why I shouldn’t reach my 5% goal this week. Maintaining said goal for seven consecutive days? That’s the next challenge.