Should I Stay Or Should I Go

I haven’t been to aikido in a month. First, it was because of my pulled groin muscle. Then I thought it was healed, but it wasn’t really, so I stayed home a little while longer. Then I got a nasty cold, and that kept me away for another couple of weeks. Now I’m to the point where any conditioning I’d already achieved has long since gone, and I’m kind of afraid to just jump back into class. Every single solitary class has kicked my ass so far, save maybe one or two, and I know I’ll get my ass handed to me whenever I go back.

Still… as I’ve mentioned, I *am* paying for this. If I go more than twice a week, I’m getting a deal. If I go twice a week, I’m getting my money’s worth. If I don’t go at all, I’m wiping my ass with it.

I don’t want to be a quitter. I could go tomorrow morning… but let’s shoot for Saturday morning, shall we? I took a 45-minute walk this morning, after a couple weeks of being completely sedentary, so if I can keep that up and add to my activity level for the next few days…

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m just stalling. As per usual.

Don’t worry, dear readers: I’ll soon have another tale of aikido kicking my ass. I know you like those, you sadists, you. 😉

Diet Do-Over

I was listening to the Reasonable Diet’s Six Minutes of Sanity podcast recently, when Sandra Ahten talked about her I-Week diet. The idea is to eat for one week in a way that reduces cravings. I listened to her talk about the brown rice and lean protein and fruits and veggies that are allowed on this one-week retraining of sorts, and the sugar and flour and processed foods that aren’t, and I thought, “I can do that!” After all, it’s not *that* much different from how I eat anyway, and I really don’t have that many cravings. Right?

Wrong.

The I-Week diet is turning into the “I weak” diet for me so far. Monday’s diet log was marred only by imitation crab, a processed food that really should not have been my midnight snack. Tuesday saw some sugar-free preserves, another processed food, but the major departure came when I started craving sweets after dinner. I tried Sandra’s Sweet Spiced Rice recipe, which wasn’t bad… but what was really calling my name was the Rocky Road light ice cream bars in the freezer. Yes, I caved. And then I ate more imitation crab before bed.

Today was on its way to being my comeback, until a surprise pizza party was announced — and who can resist a pizza party? Not me, not anymore. Three or four years ago, in the throes of Atkins, when I thought that any inflated amount of carbs would take me back to 250 lbs (do not pass Go, do not collect $200), I would have eaten what I brought for lunch and the pizza would not have even been a temptation. Now that my attitude has changed, though — one day of being bad won’t kill me — I find it harder and harder to resist yummy evilness. So, I pitched in my two bucks and am eagerly awaiting some BBQ chicken pizza.

Tomorrow is a building-wide informal banquet, and I’m not sure what the Fun Team™ is planning for that. I’m guessing that whole wheat products and lean protein are not on the menu, though. But I’m still going to partake. Friday evening, I’ll be heading down to BG to meet some friends from work. Friday is most people’s last day, plus there are several birthdays being celebrated, so I’ve been planning to join the normal weekly celebration for once.

So, basically, this week is practice. I’m following the Scott Smith rule of “be more gooder than you are badder,” and that’s keeping me from feeling like a total flop.

(Incidentally? I unsubscribed from the Motivation to Move podcast when I started feeling like there were more commercials for the Premium Membership than there was real content. Even the listener e-mails were thinly-veiled commercials for the other products he offers. Once I stopped being motivated and started being annoyed, I unsubscribed. I’m sure he’s doing well enough that one less subscriber to his free feed certainly won’t be noticed.)

While I am proud of myself for maintaining my weight for some time now (within five pounds of 200 for about the past year, after re-losing ten pounds that crept up on me), I’m ready to get down below being on the verge of obesity.

Or am I? Apparently, I’m not ready enough.

What Goes Around

Early this week, I got whatever bug Aaron got last week. Throat is sore, stomach is unsettled, eyes are dry, sinuses are draining. Backwards. I’m tired and lethargic, but my brain knows there are SO many things I should be doing. Mainly revolving around my job hunt. Personal marketing plan, portfolio tweaks, posting to more job sites, that sort of thing.

There’s also other stuff cropping up that I should be dealing with, non-job-related… but I’m really seriously drained. Anything that’s not super urgent is just going to have to wait while I sit out my cold.

The Universe is Conspiring in my Favor

…At least as far as aikido is concerned.

I know you’re all probably tired of hearing me go on about my chosen martial art, so I’ll just mention a couple things:

  1. Sensei chose to teach a class entirely on ukemi today.
  2. Sensei never read my e-mail, because it got lumped in with the spam.

This means that a.) Sensei doesn’t know how much of a goober I sounded, and b.) his somewhat random choice of topic was entirely fortuitous and had nothing to do with me. It may, however, have had a little to do with the two mighty new mukyu in attendance.

I feel much somewhat more confident about my ability to fall and not hurt myself now. I at least recognize what elements I may be missing. Now I have some more simple ukemi exercises I can do at home, too.

The leg is feeling a little weak after class, but not painful. I’m feeling pretty fine overall. Being all nervous about going back to class after two weeks was a little silly in retrospect.

Permission to Quit

I talked to my Mom on the phone today. She’s been reading my blog, including my aikido injury reports, and suggested that maybe I should find some other discipline to try. As she pointed out, I’m not getting any younger, and I haven’t been doing sports or other activities during my life so far to build up to this. Most of my aikido writings *have* been focusing on how I hurt myself, or how sore I am, or how bad I got my ass handed to me.

The thing is, though, that I want to be better. I want to test for rank in October. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it, since I have to have thirty hours logged at the dojo to qualify… but I’d like to try. I want to be limber. I want to be strong. I want to be able to do crazy ukemi acrobatics without fucking pulling my groin.

A month ago, I would have taken this suggestion as a godsend — you’re absolutely right. It’s too hard. I’ll tell Sensei I’m done. Now, though… I guess I do need to talk to Sensei, but I need to ask him what I should be doing to practice ukemi at home without hurting myself.

It feels like dancing, like art, except that I don’t know all the steps. It still feels like it should make sense, if only I had the muscle memory and the strength and the knowledge. I know that’s what practice is for, but it’s frustrating that I keep trying to learn, but I feel like I’m limited physically rather than mentally. It’s not a limitation I’m used to dealing with; I’m used to learning something, and it being learned. The end. I’m not used to imagining my position in space and time (and midair) and maneuvering myself in a certain way and not knowing whether I can even physically *do* what I’m supposed to do, let alone coordinate my mind and my muscles to do it.

This is why I joined the dojo, though, isn’t it? To open up my comfort zone? To become more disciplined?

I want to practice here at home, but I don’t want to hurt myself again and delay my return to class. Maybe I’ll e-mail Sensei before Wednesday and see if he has any words of wisdom for me.

Update, 7:30pm: I sent an e-mail to Sensei, letting him know what had happened and why I haven’t been at the dojo. I also asked him if I should lay off until I heal, or just come in and do what I can, but then I deemed my question silly (yes, all in the e-mail) and told him I’d be at the dojo on Wednesday. We’ll see if he responds, or if he just greets me on Wednesday like nothing ever happened.