Category Archives: memories

light the corners of my mind

house, memories 2 Comments

I’m Gonna Miss This Place.

I was taking the framed artwork down from Connor’s wall and wrapping it in bubble wrap for the move when the emotion really hit me. We’ve been through so many changes in the past nine years. This house has been the setting for so many memories.

Waiting with Aaron and Eric in the still-chilly house on Moving Day for the tow truck to arrive and tow the empty U-Haul out of the mud.

Bringing kitty Mei home for the first time and watching her do laps, then lay down and sleep under the speaker stands or the recliner.

Quiet Sunday mornings lounging on the couch, reading magazines and petting Mei.

Playing with Mei and her kitty fishing pole, or the laser pointer, or her jingle ball.

Intimate afternoons with Aaron.

Parties with our friends, playing Rock Band, looking at photos of our vacations, enjoying adult beverages and sushi and roast pork (though not all at the same time).

Laying newborn Connor on the living room floor on the afghan Traeonna made for him, eating the Indian takeout Sheryl brought for us, just embarking on the very beginning of this crazy parental journey.

Flooding the bathroom with my first post-partum BM.

Nursing Connor in his room at 3am, both of us wrapped in a blanket against the winter chill, with Aaron laying on the floor to keep us company.

Rocking Connor to sleep, listening to Neil Young live at Massey Hall.

Letting Connor “cry it out” during a week of sleep-training, after Aaron spent four (FOUR!) hours one night trying to get Connor to stay down.

Connor falling down and giving himself a black eye at his first birthday party, only a few days after taking his first steps.

And now, Connor running around, chattering away, trying to get into everything, but being irresistably cute while doing it.

It’s not that I’m sad to leave our current home, per se. Our new home is going to be host to so many new family memories; it’s just realizing that our current home is already on its way to being just a memory, just a story we tell Connor, just a place we drive Connor to see when he asks where we lived when he was born. Soon, this place will be filed away in my mind with our first apartment together, and my one apartment on my own, and Aaron’s few apartments on his own.

We spent nine years of our life here. We’ll spend many, many more at the new house.

family, in memoriam, memories Leave a comment

Gary P. Smoke, 1956-2013

I agreed to fly south to attend my step-Gary’s funeral mainly to support my Mom. I hadn’t realized it would be so healing for me, too.

I once told Gary (and he delighted in repeating this) that we met under possibly the worst possible circumstances. I was taking a semester off from college, as I was under Academic Suspension, so I had to come back home to live with my Mom after having tasted a bit of freedom on campus. I had no job, no computer (this was 1995), and my Mom had this new boyfriend who (when he was around, anyway) wanted to be my new Dad or something. Mom had gotten used to going out to his place most nights while I was off at school… so I was home alone, depressed and resentful.

After a while, Gary and his dog moved in with us, which was almost worse — especially since our cat was permitted according to the lease, but dogs were not. In my mind, Gary essentially got us evicted from the sweet apartment my Mom had finally managed to score after living in “the projects” during my high school years.

That didn’t happen until I went back to college, though. In the meantime, Gary convinced Mom that I needed to get a job if I was going to live at home, so I applied for and landed a seasonal gig at Target, stocking the Christmas aisles during third shift. That, at least, meant that I was asleep during the day and didn’t have to deal with Gary much. I don’t do third shift well, though, as I discovered, so it also felt like all I was doing was working and sleeping.

After I returned to college, Mom and Gary moved to Parma (partially because they were evicted for violating the lease, but partially because Gary wanted to be closer to his son). Not only did I have to memorize a new “home” address, but I also discovered that they’d left a couple pieces of my furniture behind.

I was pissed. Granted, they were old and ratty pieces of furniture… but they were mine!

When I went “home” for Spring Break, they hadn’t quite gotten settled into their new two-bedroom duplex apartment. The back bedroom was full of boxes; I don’t recall if the bed was set up yet, but it was so full of stuff that it didn’t matter.

I slept on the couch during all of Spring Break, and felt like an interloper in my own home. I’d just met Aaron, and spent all my time listening to the mixtape he’d made me and calling him on the phone and wishing I didn’t have to leave campus for breaks.

Not the best start to a step-parent-child relationship. Continue reading →