dianaschnuth

I’m glad that I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I can summon some anger and determination to excel, where in years past I would have sunk into depression and given up for the time being. This is a step in the right direction.

I’m going to go start working on this now, while I have candles brewing upstairs, preparing to earn a big ol’ twelve bucks for me tomorrow at work. Yee-haw.

When I’m not working on either of those things, I’ll be visiting Cameron Moll‘s site for sources of inspiration influence.

I’m still so fucking fragile. At least I’m dealing with it in the proper manner now.

Update, 8:45pm: The SQL database backend of my new portfolio site is complete, apart from detailed descriptions of my work. I will now use all of my willpower to make it work *before* I make it pretty.

Update, 9:30pm: I’ve got a nice While loop happening now, and I’ve managed to make a dynamic (but unlovely) list of the work I plan to showcase in my updated portfolio. Unfortunately, I completely forgot about my candle wax melting upstairs; fortunately, it wasn’t at a critical point where forgetting about it was a Bad Thing™.

Got an e-mail from an LSM drumcorps buddy today — it seems that he has a friend who owns his own business works for a small business, who has designed his own website in Frontpage, and this page now needs an overhaul. My LSM cohort was kind enough to act as a liaison and suggest my services to him.

I’ve tried this before, and I crashed and burned…
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I think I just got stood up for the one-hour training session for my contract job.

We were tentatively scheduled to have a web meeting at 7pm Central. I never heard otherwise, so I was waiting at my computer with my phone by my side at 8pm Eastern. It’s now 9pm Eastern, and even accounting for confusion between timezones, it doesn’t look like this meeting is going to happen today.

I didn’t want to get myself engrossed in anything important, then have to interrupt myself for something more important, so I’ve been websurfing at my desk for the last hour-plus. Not that that’s entirely a bad thing, but I did have things I wanted to take care of. Like a cardio workout, or cleaning my desk, or podcasting, or administering the LSM forums.

I’m feeling a little put out… but not entirely, because he did say he’d have to consult with one of his coworkers and get back with me for a confirmation, which I never got. Maybe the conference they’re running is a little crazier than they banked on. I’m not really that upset or anything. It’s all good.

I’m going to sit here for another 20 minutes or so, just to be sure, then I’m going to e-mail my contact person and go take a shower. I’m unusually sleepy for 9pm on a Tuesday.

Update, Wednesday evening: Looks like my contact got caught up in putting out fires at the event he’s manning this week. He apologized in response to my e-mail and said he’s going to get with his co-worker and see when we can reschedule. I can certainly relate to getting caught up in taking care of business, so no biggie.

If I feel comfortable quoting a website makeover, I may have even more freelance work on the horizon… I’ve gotta just jump in and give it a go. The worst thing that can happen is that I screw something up and/or don’t get paid, and either case will be a learning experience.

I’ve never thought of myself as a positive person. I *have* been known to have my head in the clouds, to be detached from reality, or to be overly optimistic about my chances of attaining a particular goal — usually monetary or career-oriented, like raising $5000 to go on a choir trip to Europe during high school, or getting a totally kick-ass job right out of college. But no one could accuse me of having a generally positive attitude.

That said, I’ve been noticing that a lot of people around me have been particularly negative lately. Sure, Aaron and I don’t seem to have very many friends who hang out with us anymore. Sure, my job is most likely history by July. But I don’t need to wallow in it all. I need to find alternatives.

I keep telling myself (and anyone else who will listen) that this recent turn of events with my job will probably end up being one of the best things to happen to me, once I look back on it in about three years. The key is getting past the awkwardness of the moment, getting past this whole woe-is-me crap, and jumping into the fray feet-first and running.

Not to say that I’m going to bail as soon as I find an alternate employer who will offer me a job. No, I plan to do some research, take my time, get all my proverbial ducks in a row, make sure my portfolio isn’t something I’d be embarrassed for my ideal employer to see, retool my resume, all the normal job-hunting accoutrements.

That said… and please indulge me while I shift gears… I *hate* job hunting.

It reminds me that I’m not as good as I want to be. It reminds me that there are so many other people out there that are so much better at what I’m supposed to be good at. It reminds me that my self-esteem has never been the most stable thing around. It reminds me that I haven’t fully developed my own unique style of design (although I may finally almost have a photographic style of my own). It reminds me that I’d wanted to work out of the home once upon a time, but have since realized that a home business is more trouble and more instability than it might be worth.

*deep breath*

I can market myself to these people. I can make myself look appealing without stretching the truth (too much). I can code SQL and PHP and VBA and javascript and HTML/XHTML. I can find a typo a mile away. I can make a visually appealing interface. If my Typography professor is to be believed, I can even do decent layout.

So why am I so hard on myself?

For three days, count ’em, THREE days, I didn’t turn on my computer. Not Saturday, not Christmas Eve, and not Christmas Day. This evening, I decided I really should at least check my e-mail, but I didn’t particularly want to. I would have been content to sit in the living room reading magazines and books and munching on leftover Christmas sweets.

In other news, literally half of my department is on vacation during this, our busiest week of the year. Thanks, Ms. Supervisor, for authorizing all those vacations. Friday is going to suuuuuuck.