dianaschnuth

Spending the day at home, lethargic and crampy, and now recovering from a fucked-up dream I had after I called in sick and went back to bed.

A few weeks back, I had a dream that Aaron was going to divorce me, and not even a bizarre life-and-death confrontation with something in the back yard — a knife-wielding robber, as I recall — was going to change that. Last night, I dreamt that Aaron had a girlfriend (attractive and athletic) named Noi, and that they had more sex than we did, and that he was trying to quit smoking (when I hadn’t even known he’d started).

Two related dreams makes this into a trend, so I’m starting to wonder what in my subconscious is throwing out these dreams. They keep bringing back that horrible feeling I had during the week in September 1997 when Aaron and I had broken up over something I had done, and I felt like there had to be something, anything I could do to fix things, but all the grains of sand were falling through my fingers the harder I tried. Except that this is worse, because nothing is really wrong when I wake up, but that awful feeling is still there, lingering.

So, how insecure am I, really? And what about? Is it that I feel physically unattractive, or that I’m not intimate with Aaron as often as I once was, or is it that our lives are so intertwined that I’m scared of what would happen if I lost him (in one way or another)?

I just wish I could make my brain chill the fuck out and quit spinning out these stupid fictions.