ruminations

Stream of Consciousness Wrap-Up

I’ve been putting off chronicling the events of Friday the 19th in my personal, offline journal. I need to do it, though, even if just for historical purposes (rather than cathartic and psychological ones). I hate it when I go searching for a major life event in my old journals — say, my first period, or when Mom and Tom separated, or something like that — and all I get is a big gap between dates and an entry that starts, “It’s been a while since I’ve written. X thing happened, and now I’m in an entirely new setting, and I’m totally done freaking the fuck out.”

I want to have the option of going back and remembering that hectic and tragic day, and how we tried in vain to take our minds off things later that weekend.

Along the same vein… Aaron and I spent some time thinking about this second chance we now have to do something wild and/or expensive before having kids. Before doing any number-crunching, we thought about visiting Japan, or the UK, or attending DragonCon over Labor Day weekend, or even just taking a cruise or doing the all-inclusive resort thing. When we sat down in front of Travelocity and priced plane tickets, though, we realized that we may just be waaaay out of our league. Plunking down over three grand on a Japan trip would take us in the opposite direction we want to go with our credit card debt.

As much as I want to do something fun and slightly financially irresponsible before we have kids, I know we should really be focusing on saving money and paying down our debts instead. But, damn, when else are we going to be able to drop everything and go on a kick-ass international vacation? Ah, well. We’ve had big ideas that fell through before, and I’m sure we’ll have them again. As for this one, we’ll see where it goes, if anywhere. We might just end up… hell, I don’t know *where* we’ll end up.

Speaking of second chances, I’ve started rewatching my PUSH workout DVDs from disc #2. The first workout on disc #2 successfully kicked my butt this evening. I am highly embarrassed by this, considering that I got seven discs total during my subscription, and made it through four before I started to slack. The thing is, though, that I was forbidden from exercising while I was pregnant, and I really missed it. That last week, I wasn’t even allowed to take my daily walks, and ended up chilling out on a quiet couch during my lunch hours instead. (Not that it helped, of course.)

Now, I have the opportunity to take a few months to tone myself and get myself back into halfway-decent shape, lose another ten pounds, firm up my abs, and do all that physical training that I found myself wishing I’d done before I conceived. It’s like a do-over of sorts.

All right. Enough. I’ll see if I can’t manage to blog about something else in the near future. I’ll at least get back into weekly diet and exercise updates for ya. As always, though, I can’t promise that I won’t randomly sink into a bout of depression. That’s par for the course where I’m concerned. 🙂

randomness 1 Comment

Back To “Normal”

I feel like I’m having the typical winter almost-February depression. I’m not sure if it makes things better or worse that I can point to a source of the depression, for once. It doesn’t change anything, knowing there’s a reason I feel this way now.

I feel like blogging is kind of pointless, too. I’m either going to be a typical “woe is me, look at how much my life sucks right now” blogger, or I’ll be blogging about something absolutely pointless, like games or work or what I fucking ate for lunch (homemade macaroni salad, if you care).

Of course, it’s not like I’m going to find anything better to do, like working up my new portfolio site or washing dishes or some shit. I’ll just end up sprawled out on the couch, reading the same Star Trek book I’ve read literally innumerable times since before I was in Junior High, and raiding the refrigerator before next week’s renewed weight-loss push talking to Amy on the phone for over two hours.

Depression sucks. Strangely enough, though, it also feels normal. Friday night, alone, with some food and a book and my own personal raincloud to hover over me. I’ve been here before.

pregnancy 2 Comments

Better Than Yesterday

Not as preoccupied. Can count on only one hand the number of times my day came to a grinding halt and I stared off into space in sorrowful contemplation. Smiled. Laughed. Am eating and sleeping fine. Made it through the follow-up consult with my OBGYN with no problems. Discussed future baby-take-two plans with Mom over the phone.

Still feeling odd about finally feeling like myself again.

I feel weird about feeling almost OK. I’m sure it’s only temporary.

pregnancy 2 Comments

Not-So-Tiny Tragedy

All the associated magazines and freebies and bills and other accoutrements have been tucked away into a corner, as if the “out of sight, out of mind” methodology will work on this.

Not like I’m not reminded by every commercial, every slip of the tongue, every time one of my pregnant co-workers walks by. Not like I don’t zone out and think about it, instead of successfully getting back into the daily grind.

The logical part of my mind, the part that’s usually in control of how I live my life and how I present myself to others, says that grief is stupid. It’s more useless than even regret, because at least, with regret, you have the opportunity to learn something and make changes in the future. Grief… it’s like constantly reminding yourself that this situation sucks, and that there’s nothing to be done.

The emotive part of my mind has been held in check for far too long — years, in fact — and threatens to take off with the rest of me.

I feel alone. No, not alone, because Aaron’s feeling quite the same way I am, although he’s trying to be strong for me. I feel… empty. I’m alone in my own skin again, and I’m not sure how to react to that, especially after having just gotten used to being someone’s… home?

I tell myself, at least it wasn’t really self-aware yet. Or even conscious. Not yet able to hear, or see, or feel. Still, it doesn’t help. To see it grow from a barely discernable blob with a heartbeat to a small human being with wriggling arms and legs — then to see it lying horrifically still and lifeless, displayed on a monochrome monitor in a darkened room, as the poor ultrasound technician tried every possible way to find a heartbeat…

This is probably the single most gut-wrenching experience I’ve ever been through. Maybe that’s a testament to how lucky I’ve been in the past 30 years.

I’ll miss you.

geekspeak

Game Design Oversight

So, as per usual, I was whiling away the hours playing CivCity: Rome this evening. I completed the campaign I had started last night, then began a new mission. Unfortunately, I was so stoked about successfully completing the previous military mission that I failed to save my game before starting anew. This created a slight annoyance when the Egyptians overcame my legionnaires and velites (OK, non-Latin speakers, v’s are pronounced like w’s, so say it in your head: WELL-ih-tays. Close enough).

Anyway, the dudes with swords and the dudes with javelins were toast. I had no more army. And here come the fucking Egyptians. Dammit. Where’s the “Concede Defeat” button? How about “Restart Mission”? No? You mean I have to just wait around for the damned Egyptians to either a.) destroy my Town Center or b.) inadvertently cause me to run out of money?

Wait. Where are they going? My Town Center is RIGHT THERE. Where you came in? Where you fellas headed, anyway? Oh, you’re just going to plunder and sack the entire town. Nice. I’m gonna go get a glass of milk. Call me when you’re done.

Ten or fifteen minutes later, the marauders finally, FINALLY made me run out of money. Killing all the workers and destroying the tax-revenue-generating houses will do that, I suppose. The bastards never did attack my Town Center, even when I used my last remaining… um… shit. Singular of “velites” is… *hits google in ultimate geeky frustration* …veles. I think it’s one of those funky third declension nouns? It’s been over seven years since I took any Latin. —Anyway, even when I lured them over toward the Town Center to kill my last javelin dude, my dude proved victorious over the one enemy dude that was sent over to dispatch him, and no one else cared.

Long story short, I finally got to restart after I ran out of money and the Senate refused to grant me another loan. This time, I was sure to save BEFORE I started the mission, so I can reload my saved game if things go south on me again.