[Posted on Flickr by dianaschnuth].
I haven’t blogged about the last few cons Aaron and I have attended, mainly because I prefer to save my opinions and narratives for Aaron’s podcast. This time, though, there are enough other random, un-anime things that deserve mention that I think I’ll go ahead and blog about the weekend. And I will begin at the beginning, with fried bologna sandwiches in Waldo, Ohio…
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Heading out to Ohayocon in the morning. Planning to stop in Waldo en route for some fried bologna sandwiches. Meeting Amy at the Drury Inn & Suites (hopefully before opening ceremonies), and all three of us are bunking up in a hotel room for the weekend.
This might be our last con for a while (or we might go to Anime Punch in the spring), so I’m planning to live it up. Not that I don’t usually, but you know.
Still need to pack my clothes, get Amy’s Christmas and birthday presents ready, upload the Low Carb Lifestyle Podcast episode so generously recorded by a guest podcaster, and do some dishes (if I don’t fall asleep first). I’m sure there’s something I’ve forgotten, too, but I’ll think of it eventually.
I’m tired already. This can’t be good.
I’ve never thought of myself as a positive person. I *have* been known to have my head in the clouds, to be detached from reality, or to be overly optimistic about my chances of attaining a particular goal — usually monetary or career-oriented, like raising $5000 to go on a choir trip to Europe during high school, or getting a totally kick-ass job right out of college. But no one could accuse me of having a generally positive attitude.
That said, I’ve been noticing that a lot of people around me have been particularly negative lately. Sure, Aaron and I don’t seem to have very many friends who hang out with us anymore. Sure, my job is most likely history by July. But I don’t need to wallow in it all. I need to find alternatives.
I keep telling myself (and anyone else who will listen) that this recent turn of events with my job will probably end up being one of the best things to happen to me, once I look back on it in about three years. The key is getting past the awkwardness of the moment, getting past this whole woe-is-me crap, and jumping into the fray feet-first and running.
Not to say that I’m going to bail as soon as I find an alternate employer who will offer me a job. No, I plan to do some research, take my time, get all my proverbial ducks in a row, make sure my portfolio isn’t something I’d be embarrassed for my ideal employer to see, retool my resume, all the normal job-hunting accoutrements.
That said… and please indulge me while I shift gears… I *hate* job hunting.
It reminds me that I’m not as good as I want to be. It reminds me that there are so many other people out there that are so much better at what I’m supposed to be good at. It reminds me that my self-esteem has never been the most stable thing around. It reminds me that I haven’t fully developed my own unique style of design (although I may finally almost have a photographic style of my own). It reminds me that I’d wanted to work out of the home once upon a time, but have since realized that a home business is more trouble and more instability than it might be worth.
*deep breath*
I can market myself to these people. I can make myself look appealing without stretching the truth (too much). I can code SQL and PHP and VBA and javascript and HTML/XHTML. I can find a typo a mile away. I can make a visually appealing interface. If my Typography professor is to be believed, I can even do decent layout.
So why am I so hard on myself?
Yes, it’s time once again to take a look back at the events and accomplishments that stand out over the past year, and to remind myself that I did, in fact, do something more than just coast over the past 12 months…
I’m the kind of person who, as a general rule, doesn’t have very many enemies. There aren’t very many people who all-out hate my guts, and when I come across a person like that, I don’t really know how to react. I’d like to think that my lack of enemies is a reflection on my lack of judgement on other people. Or, possibly, my non-confrontational and slightly wishy-washy nature. Either way, I’ll take it.
When I do find myself passing judgement on someone, it bothers me on some level. I’m having that experience now.
There’s someone on whom I have frequent occasion to eavesdrop — not on purpose, I swear — but with whom I don’t generally interact. I’ve heard about this person’s personal, domestic troubles, and they’ve come straight from this person’s mouth, even though this person — all right, “he” — even though he wasn’t talking to me directly. I’ve heard about how his wife has treated him, and how he has treated his wife in turn.
Honestly, without going into any sort of detail, I don’t understand either of them. I don’t approve of what she did to him and to their relationship, but I also don’t agree with how he responded. And, honestly, I’m really trying not to pass judgement on the both of them, but it’s very difficult. I’ve never been in quite that situation, so I have no right to say what I think is a valid and reasonable reaction, and what I think is “wrong.”
I keep trying to validate my inner reaction, telling myself that it’s perfectly fine to form opinions about a situation, assuming that I don’t let it color my opinion of him as a person. Thing is, I’m really starting to think of him as an asshole, just from his retellings and reactions to what’s going on in his life. I mean, damn, he’s having a shitty time of it, especially around the holidays and all, but…
It bothers me that I’m spending so much of my own time thinking about someone else’s business. It also bothers me that, somehow, sometime in the future, either a complete stranger or maybe even the person I’m talking about will find this, and comment about what a shallow bitch I am.
I’m not good with making enemies.