the ongoing saga of my job 8 Comments

Positive Attitudes Change Everything

I’ve never thought of myself as a positive person. I *have* been known to have my head in the clouds, to be detached from reality, or to be overly optimistic about my chances of attaining a particular goal — usually monetary or career-oriented, like raising $5000 to go on a choir trip to Europe during high school, or getting a totally kick-ass job right out of college. But no one could accuse me of having a generally positive attitude.

That said, I’ve been noticing that a lot of people around me have been particularly negative lately. Sure, Aaron and I don’t seem to have very many friends who hang out with us anymore. Sure, my job is most likely history by July. But I don’t need to wallow in it all. I need to find alternatives.

I keep telling myself (and anyone else who will listen) that this recent turn of events with my job will probably end up being one of the best things to happen to me, once I look back on it in about three years. The key is getting past the awkwardness of the moment, getting past this whole woe-is-me crap, and jumping into the fray feet-first and running.

Not to say that I’m going to bail as soon as I find an alternate employer who will offer me a job. No, I plan to do some research, take my time, get all my proverbial ducks in a row, make sure my portfolio isn’t something I’d be embarrassed for my ideal employer to see, retool my resume, all the normal job-hunting accoutrements.

That said… and please indulge me while I shift gears… I *hate* job hunting.

It reminds me that I’m not as good as I want to be. It reminds me that there are so many other people out there that are so much better at what I’m supposed to be good at. It reminds me that my self-esteem has never been the most stable thing around. It reminds me that I haven’t fully developed my own unique style of design (although I may finally almost have a photographic style of my own). It reminds me that I’d wanted to work out of the home once upon a time, but have since realized that a home business is more trouble and more instability than it might be worth.

*deep breath*

I can market myself to these people. I can make myself look appealing without stretching the truth (too much). I can code SQL and PHP and VBA and javascript and HTML/XHTML. I can find a typo a mile away. I can make a visually appealing interface. If my Typography professor is to be believed, I can even do decent layout.

So why am I so hard on myself?

ruminations 2 Comments

Being Judgemental

I’m the kind of person who, as a general rule, doesn’t have very many enemies. There aren’t very many people who all-out hate my guts, and when I come across a person like that, I don’t really know how to react. I’d like to think that my lack of enemies is a reflection on my lack of judgement on other people. Or, possibly, my non-confrontational and slightly wishy-washy nature. Either way, I’ll take it.

When I do find myself passing judgement on someone, it bothers me on some level. I’m having that experience now.

There’s someone on whom I have frequent occasion to eavesdrop — not on purpose, I swear — but with whom I don’t generally interact. I’ve heard about this person’s personal, domestic troubles, and they’ve come straight from this person’s mouth, even though this person — all right, “he” — even though he wasn’t talking to me directly. I’ve heard about how his wife has treated him, and how he has treated his wife in turn.

Honestly, without going into any sort of detail, I don’t understand either of them. I don’t approve of what she did to him and to their relationship, but I also don’t agree with how he responded. And, honestly, I’m really trying not to pass judgement on the both of them, but it’s very difficult. I’ve never been in quite that situation, so I have no right to say what I think is a valid and reasonable reaction, and what I think is “wrong.”

I keep trying to validate my inner reaction, telling myself that it’s perfectly fine to form opinions about a situation, assuming that I don’t let it color my opinion of him as a person. Thing is, I’m really starting to think of him as an asshole, just from his retellings and reactions to what’s going on in his life. I mean, damn, he’s having a shitty time of it, especially around the holidays and all, but…

It bothers me that I’m spending so much of my own time thinking about someone else’s business. It also bothers me that, somehow, sometime in the future, either a complete stranger or maybe even the person I’m talking about will find this, and comment about what a shallow bitch I am.

I’m not good with making enemies.

randomness

2006 Wrap-Up, introductory meme

It probably works better on LiveJournal, but I’ll do it here anyway: the first line (or few lines) of the first post of each month of 2006.

January: I have so many different ideas queued up for year-end (or New Year’s, as it were) lists and essays and whatnot. Unfortunately, I am so unenthused about writing right this moment that none of them are going to happen today.

February: One of my co-workers is pregnant with twins — girls, most likely. I overheard her saying that she and her husband had actually started their children’s college fund with last year’s tax return, before they even started trying for a baby (and before they got two for the price of one).

March: This entry is about porn. If you are under 18, are squeamish about the general idea of porn (or, more specifically, about the idea of me looking at porn), or if you are my mother, you probably shouldn’t read this.

April: I have a laundry list of topics to write about. Anime Punch, last week’s diet and fitness update, my new swimsuit (!!), my poor dying hollyhock seedlings. Not to mention working on my poor neglected NaNoWriMo novellette, or Podcast #10.

May: I’ve never done online research solely on Ancestry.com before. I’ve never had the run of the place. I’ve always assumed I’d have access to my U.S. Census Records Collection, a few free databases, and that’s it. Now, though, the whole place is my playground, and I don’t know where to start.

June: I donated blood for the first time yesterday. It wasn’t bad.

July: Well, last weekend was Mom’s visit, and the weekend before was the Waterville Community Garage Sale, so this weekend has been the first where we’ve been able to think about painting the small bedroom.

August: The Vacation Thus Far: Monday: Bought the newest Civ IV expansion at Best Buy. Ran some random errands with Aaron. Maxxed and relaxed at home in the AC and played my new game.

September: I hate it when I get to this slightly tired state, where my brain is getting a little disjointed and my body is starting to shut down, but my creativity is begging me to DO SOMETHING.

October: I’m taking Friday off of work, so that Aaron and I can drive eight hours to Utica, NY for an anime convention.

November: Time was when my Mom and I would go visit my Aunt Sammie, cousin Michael and Memaw every Sunday after church.

December: For anyone who remembers Jeff “Pip” Hawley, from Residential Computing Connection at BGSU…

randomness

Blog Neglect?

I feel like I’m neglecting my blog, but there’s nothing really that I want or need to share right now. I also can’t get excited about blogging the random memories I’ve dogeared for myself: shaking the hand of Vaclav Nelhybel, growing up with a knobless television set, the kid at church who was broken of his cool habit of wearing bow-ties instead of “normal” neckties, stuff like that.

I’ve been taking it easy, going to bed a little earlier than normal, taking time to read some books and magazines and watch some educational TV (i.e. the “geek” channels). I managed to come up with two prototypes for a new portfolio site before the Christmas holiday, and haven’t been able to come up with anything since.

There are so many things I need to do, as per usual. It’s just that, well, I’m taking this time as a mental vacation. Especially since tomorrow is going to be a loooong evening at work. Next week, I’ll set some priorities and get some things done, while still keeping my state of mind calm and zen-like.

By the way? My watch battery died two days ago, and I honestly haven’t missed wearing my watch yet. Haven’t looked at my wrist once, although I have reached over with my other hand to feel where my watch isn’t.