weight loss

I Grow Weary of Weekly Diet Updates

Maybe I just had a bad week. Maybe it’s because it’s almost “that” time of month. Either way, I gained steadily over the course of the week, and lost a lot of ground. I’m hoping it’s only cyclical, but it still gets me down.

I’m not saying “screw the diet,” but I’m saying screw the updates. It’s disheartening to post every damn week and see fucking nothing happening. Whatever.

I’m not journaling my food intake this week, but I’m addicted to daily weigh-ins now. I’ll keep up with my weight chart in Excel, but… meh. I get so excited when I’m doing well (like, the two weeks before this past week), but I take huge steps backward when I’m not doing so well.

Whatever. My 2006 New Years Resolution has gone to shit.

Reference earlier post about my piss-tastic mood today. I’m gonna see if I can make myself go to bed early.

randomness 2 Comments

Piss-tastic Mood

I didn’t wake up in a pissy mood. Granted, seeing the scale jump three pounds in one day — in the wrong direction — made me understandably disappointed, but I wasn’t in a pissy mood yet. My pissy mood ended up being the culmination of a bunch of small things that wouldn’t have been a big deal by themselves, but all together made me smolder.

I was answering phones today (my duty once or twice a week), and I got a teller who said, “Can I put the client on and have him explain his question to you?” Which, when translated, means, “I don’t understand what the client is talking about, and I know you are an internal call center only, and you don’t talk to clients, but it’s going to be so much harder if I have to relay what the client says to me verbatim because I don’t understand.” The client in question happened to be a CPA — and I do give him credit for not rubbing that in my face — but when I took his number and told him I’d research his question and call him back later, it made me that much more diligent in getting my interest calculations correct to the penny and to the day. Which took several hours. When I called him back, he had a client in his office, so I left him a voicemail. He didn’t get back to me before I left at 5pm.

I also got a few calls about things that people thought weren’t done right, and I had to research; or things that really weren’t done right, and I had to correct.

The football kids were standing in the street again on my way home. I seriously hate that smug “you can’t hit me” look they give me. You’ve got a helmet on, kid… you wouldn’t concuss too bad. Don’t fucking tempt me.

I got home and checked my email to find that the LSM forums have started getting spammed, despite the manual registration process and the required e-mail reply to confirm registration. And I found out that the report I had so carefully crafted in such a brief time to the exclusion of other priorities at the moment has either officially or unofficially been tabled for the time being. Which I can understand, being that there are other, more pressing matters for the board to take care of right now, but I guess I assumed that everything on the agenda would be discussed. My bad.

Aaron said I should exercise tonight, that it’ll make me feel better, and I know he’s right. I’m also tempted to just sit down in front of a game of Civ IV for the evening, though, and take it out on the Spanish or something.

I’m dangerous in this mood. I never get mad, so when I do, I tend to keep it going as long as I can, for no good reason. It’s a novel feeling, if not a particularly useful or productive one.

Time to go turn on the news and go eat some food.

ruminations 4 Comments

And Somewhere In My Mind, I Know There’s No Tomorrow

I had my iPod set to Shuffle earlier this week, while I was at work, when a song came on that made my breath catch in my throat. Amazing how a particular song can bring long-buried memories and feelings back to the surface, fresh and sharp. Guilt, sadness, stupidity, insecurity, a sense of something slipping through my fingers… all those feelings came back, as clear as the day I had listened to that song over and over and over in solitude, punishing myself for what I had done and what I had lost.

At work, I paused for three minutes and twenty seconds, listening, remembering, feeling, wishing I didn’t still like that song so damn much.

health & fitness 3 Comments

Eureka Moment

Last night, I was standing naked in the bathroom, having just brushed my teeth before bed. The door was partially closed (probably thanks to the cat), so I saw my reflection in the full-length mirror mounted to the back of said door as I turned to head back into the bedroom.

I’m used to looking at myself either in profile or straight-on — or just looking down my front from my normal, real-life, non-mirror perspective — so seeing myself reflected back at an oblique angle kind of threw me for a second. I saw how much closer my stomach is to being almost-flat, and how much my gut has really deflated. It didn’t look like me.

It was cool.

I still wouldn’t win any pageants or anything, but I can at least tell that I’m closer to my goal. Sometimes you just have to look at things from a different perspective, I guess.

family

An Open Letter To My Father

Dear Butch,
Dear “Dad,”
Dear Robert,

Hello,

We’ve never officially met. Not that I could remember, anyway. I’m sure you know who I am, though.

You and my mom were an item back in 1975, until she got pregnant. From how I’ve heard it told, you offered to pay for her to have an abortion. I’m a little unclear as to whether that was before or after you two broke up. It doesn’t matter at this point, though, since she refused, and subsequently lost a paternity suit against you.

At any rate, you know who I am, even though we’ve never met. I honestly don’t know much about you, although your family is pretty cool and always accepted me as one of their own. Whatever. Like I said, it doesn’t matter at this point.

I’ve thought over the years about what I’d like to say to you, if I ever happened to be in the same room as you, or if I could ever get up the nerve to look you up in the phone book and find your address to write to you. Since I think I’m fairly safe here on the internet — since hundreds of friends and strangers will read this, but the likelihood of you actually finding it is slim to none — I choose to make this my venue to say what needs saying.
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