ruminations

Funk.

I am in a seriously funky depressed mood this evening. I have so many things I want to get done, but I can’t get motivated to make myself do them, which makes me more depressed and down on myself, and the cycle continues.

Then I think that writing about it on my blog will make the funk go away… but it doesn’t. It doesn’t work as the instant quick fix I sometimes think it should. This isn’t like IM or a phone call — there’s no instant connection with another human being, no actual real-time communication going on. Nothing to make me feel less blah.

I hate these moods. The objective, detached part of me looks from the outside in and says, “You know, Diana, if you’d just DO something, anything, you’d probably shake this thing. Just get the fuck over yourself and your weird depression and get on with it.” That makes the rest of me feel worse about my depression and my general sloth and sinks me deeper into it.

At least this doesn’t happen very much anymore. I seem to recall being like this frequently during middle school and high school, although I could be misremembering how depressed I really was. I know it felt pretty massive at the time.

Sometimes I think these off-the-cuff, unplanned and unscripted blog entries are what keeps my blog fresh and uniquely me. Then sometimes I think that my readership (and I’m averaging 40 hits a day, I think) really doesn’t give a rat’s ass about how depressed I am or how frumpy I feel or any other superficial crap. Where’s the pictures and the amusing anecdotes and the links to t-shirt surgeries and Totoro and weird Mormon crap and whatever else people Googled today?

I think I’m gonna go play some Civ III.

*contemplates deleting this entry*
*decides to keep it for posterity*

randomness

Too Much On My Plate

I’ve been working on the new LSM site for some time now. It’s finally starting to gel. But last week’s vacation was a vacation from everything, including working on the site. The work-in-progress needs to be shown to the members soon, preferably within the next day or two, and I want to have it totally complete in about a month. There are still some things I don’t know how to do at all yet, like letting members download files from a directory outside of the root “public_html” directory. I know it can be done, though.

So, I should really be working on that. And practicing my mellophone, as we have rehearsal in less than a week, and that particular rehearsal will be our last full-day rehearsal before our final performance.

However… I have The Cleaning Bug™. I never get the itch to clean, and right now I have the desire to make things look pretty, especially the cat/sewing room (aka Someday Schnuthie Junior’s Room).

My plants are also suffering, and probably a third of my houseplants require repotting for one reason or another. Many of them are wilty from heat and from settling of soil in their respective pots. I’d like to take them outside and repot them with some TLC (er, Tender Loving Care, that is, not The Learning Channel, although I suppose they could probably help, too).

Oh, and did I mention that I bought a Singer Tiny Serger at Savers for three bucks? Yeah. And it works! Hence the resurgence of the Sewing Room idea. So, I’d also like to be sewing. I have an idea for my next t-shirt surgery sketched out right here on my desk, staring me in the face, mocking me.

I need to establish this evening’s priorities. Which sucks. Can’t I just do everything?

*sigh*

Update, 9:30pm: Sifted through one box of crap in the sewing room while listening to the final episode of Earthcore. Sat outside and plucked the dead parsley plants out from the living, mainly as an excuse to enjoy the weather. Tweaked a little on the new LSM site, composed an e-mail to the membership about the Work In Progress, and fired it off. Still have a good 90 minutes before I should think about winding down for the night. Word.