pregnancy

Babies Babies Everywhere

Seems everyone’s having babies these days. I guess we’re just that age ("we" being myself, Aaron, our friends, and my blog readership). A few years ago, it seemed everyone was getting married. It’s the next logical step.

I used to have a "thing" about pregnant people. Even when I was eight and my aunt (who lived with us) was pregnant with my cousin Michael, I was uneasy around her. It just makes me feel… weird. Like I’m witnessing something that should be more private and less obvious than hiding a watermelon under your shirt. Or like they might break. Or like something’s wrong with them. All of which I know is slightly ridiculous.

Since I’ve known more people who have become pregnant, had to work with them (half a dozen in my building), and socialize with them (mainly Kathy Fries), I’ve become less stand-off-ish about pregnant people.

Now it’s the baby thing that unnerves me.

Babies and I just do not get along. Especially little ones. It’s like they can feel my trepidation and awkwardness, and start to cry for Mom not two minutes after being plunked into my arms. Again, I feel like I’m going to break them. And I’m afraid to be too obviously taken in by the marvel that is Life. Someone might be watching, after all, and I can’t show that I’m a softie, now can I? Especially not around my Mom, who I’d like to think I have convinced that I am an emotional rock.

But at the same time, I’m getting this feeling… this knowledge that I’m going to do this someday. It’s akin to another feeling I’ve had, one that will require some backstory.

In the Mormon Church, the first Sunday of every month is set aside for the members to share personal experiences and bear testimony of the Gospel as they know it. It’s known as Fast and Testimony Meeting, because members are also encouraged to fast for two meals, and donate the money they would have spent on those meals to the Church welfare fund. (Mom and I made use of this fund several times — the Church has a Storehouse of food for the poor, funded by these donations).

Anyway, at this particular meeting, there’s no set agenda: after the standard opening song and prayer, and passing of the sacrament (This is My Body, This is My Blood… you Christian-types know the drill), the pulpit is open to all in attendance to come up and speak. It’s kind of funny, too, because so many people are poor public speakers, but they want to let everyone know they believe… so there’s kind of an unspoken ritual opening that all Primary children know, but all adults try to break away from: "I’d like to bear my testimony that I know this church is true. I know that Jesus is the Christ, and I know that God lives. I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet, and that [insert current Church President here] is the prophet today…" Then the child or stumbling adult stammers through why they felt the need to bear their testimony. Usually something happened that week to particularly affirm their faith, or something happened to them that they feel the need to share, in order to reaffirm someone else’s faith.

So, as a member of the congregation, you either sit and listen quietly and pensively (or not so pensively), or you start to wonder what you would say, if you got up there. If your case is the former, then Testimony Meeting is either entertaining and uplifting, or boring and tedious. Either way, no stress on you. If your case is the latter, though, the most interesting sensations come upon you. You can’t seem to listen to the testimonies, because your adrenaline starts up. A feeling of inevitability wrenches your gut. You know you’re going to have to get up there and say what’s on your mind. It reminds me of knowing you’re going to puke, except this feeling is supposed to be much more warm and fuzzy, coming from the Holy Spirit and all. (It usually isn’t, though.)

It’s that feeling of inevitability that I’m talking about. That knowledge that you’re not sure you want to do it, but you’re driven to it anyway. Something is compelling you to do this thing that you’re so apprehensive about. You know you’ll feel better afterwards, and you’ll regret it if you don’t.

That’s the feeling I have about procreating. Aaron and I are comfortable with the fact that we’re going to do it someday, so that’s a step in the right direction. But we’re also agreed upon not having kids for another few years, preferably until we have a house. It’s not like my internal clock’s a-ticking… though it kind of is, although I’m choosing to ignore it for now.

There are so many things to look forward to about having children, and so many things to be apprehensive about. For right now, though, I can’t even keep my fucking room clean, much less raise a child. But I’m inwardly jealous of all the new parents I know, while outwardly snickering at their sleepless nights and new responsibilities. Without waxing all emotional (I am a rock, after all), suffice to say that the bond between parents and child intrigues me, and I’m looking forward to experiencing it someday.

I’m 27 right now. OK, 27-and-a-half, but who’s counting? I used to think I should have kids by age 30, and I know that fertility becomes an issue at some point (right now, I do believe). I don’t know, though. I don’t know if we’ll be ready by then. I’d wager we’ll never feel totally ready… but Aaron’s too careful to have an oopsie, and I’m perfectly OK with that. 🙂 I’ve just got that feeling of inevitability, and it comes and goes. I want to, but I don’t, but I do… but my crotch tells me in no uncertain terms that it is not looking forward to pushing a watermelon through a straw.

otaku

Tonari no Totoro

totoros!So, how does this work: whenever I sit down with a sketchbook and the intention of drawing, I end up with crap. But, when I have the sudden urge to draw something in particular, I grab a handy piece of scrap paper and end up with something cool? Something I might actually want to keep?

I was sitting here at my desk, contemplating my Totoro desktop wallpaper, when it occurred to me to try to draw Totoro. After all, he’s not that complex. So, I grabbed the nearest piece of blank scrap paper (well, almost blank — one side had yesterday’s quotable from the men’s track team alumnus) and a handy pencil. And, after some scanning and coloring in Photoshop (I love my HyperPen stylus), I ended up with this loverly arrangement to your right.

I love Totoro. If I had my way, every child in America would be introduced to what Japanese children already know: Totoro plushies. The movie is fabulous, but the merch is even better. 🙂 I already have a Totoro on a chain (currently being used as a zipper pull on my purse), a Catbus [Nekobasu] on a chain (on a knick-knack shelf in the bathroom), and a metal wind-up Totoro with umbrella (on a knick-knack shelf in the living room, along with the Evas). When little Sam Fries gets old enough to appreciate it, I have every intention of buying him the Tonari no Totoro (My Neighbor Totoro) movie. And maybe a big plushie.

Oh, I didn’t mention that, did I? Kris and Kathy had their baby on Wednesday, November 19th at almost 7:00 in the morning. Labor for 22 hours… whee. Over 8 pounds. Part of me is really excited for them, and can’t wait to go up to Toledo and see their firstborn. Another part of me knows that we’ll rarely see them ever again, especially since they seem to have this attitude that their lives are over. Ah, well. Auntie Schnuth will be more than happy to spoil little Sam… for a while. 🙂

OK, and the job hunt thickens… I got a call today from another of the companies I sent a resume to. The exec, Steve, conducted a brief phone interview, with such highly laughable questions as, "What web page software have you used? Do you have experience with graphics programs, like Photoshop? How about flatbed scanning? What FTP programs have you used?" Holy shit. I feel smart again, highly akin to my recent Kinko’s experience. Seems this company, WorldStart, maintains an online catalog of closeout computer equipment, and the entry-level position would entail scanning product images, typing descriptions, and generally updating the catalog on a daily basis. Even though this would pay less than my new Patriot Act job with Sky, and would require a commute, I think I’d be OK with that. We’ll have to see. When it rains, it fuckin’ pours.

Today’s random news from CNN.com: When will teachers ever learn that inciting non-conformist acts is not necessarily the best idea amongst high schoolers?

And the random humor from Lockbox: Only in Salt Lake City, Utah would you find a bank named "Zions First National Bank."

randomness

More Random Bloggage

Lots of randomness to post today. I spent too long making a neato surprize to be posted on the page in a couple weeks… so I’d better get started.

[Again. After my computer locked up and lost half my entry while trying to download some damn fool midi on a webpage. Sheryl, why is my computer being wonky and freezing during startup and at weird random times lately? I scanned for viruses, and I should be clean. Arrgh.]

I ran into two people today who work in the department I’m moving to on December 1st. They’re both people who I’ve worked with/under before, so they know me and are glad I’ll be joining them. It seems, though, that my identifying characteristic is my frequent wearing of headbands. One of the ladies said someone was trying to explain who I was, and called me "the lady who works down in that corner in Lockbox who wears headbands all the time." Heh… I have now sworn not to wear any more headbands to work. Hopefully in a few months, I’ll be "that lady who lost all that weight," instead.

Speaking of losing weight, I figured out today that during the first three weeks of this diet, I lost an average of seven pounds a week. In contrast, during the past month, I’ve averaged one pound per week. But I’m OK with that. If my weight loss is slow and steady, I have a better chance of keeping it off, or so I hear. And, hell, I’m already down 26 pounds. I’m a third of the way to my ultimate goal, which is being on the way-upper end of the healthy range.

Segueing with the food bit: Next time you go to Chi-Chi’s, watch out for the tainted green onions.

Also in the news: If you’re walking down the street, and a guy flashes you, don’t be afraid to kick him in the jimmy.

One more, one more… Every college student worth his or her salt knows you have to pace yourself if you plan to drink a liter and a half of vodka. "Gibby…? Gibby! Oh my God, Gibby, you’re passed out in the hallway in your own vomit!"

My quotable for today — and this one nearly made Loni squirt pop out of her nose: While processing a large batch of health insurance payments from a local convent, I declared, "Stupid Sisters of St. Francis! Why do you need health care? You’ve got God to take care of you!"

One day this week, I came in to work and sat my purse on top of my desk, instead of plopping it right in the drawer as usual. And someone happened to notice my Totoro zipper pull. And, of course, I then had to explain what Totoro is: kind of a part cat / part raccoon / part owl / God of the Forest. That really confused them. The one newer temp asked, "Is that Pokemon?" NO. "Digimon?" No, it’s just a Japanese cartoon. "You know the square brown guy? Yeah. I like him." Sigh.

And, the wrap-up for today… *drumroll* Written on a BGSU Foundation donation coupon were the words: "I am an alumni of the Men’s Track Team. Your fund can kiss my ass."

college, webdesign

Staying Current

While updating my online portfolio, I sifted through my old VCT projects and located my Director portfolio from 2001. What fun! I’d forgotten that I knew how to do cool things. Shit was changing color, flying around the screen, zooming in and out — and I’d made some cool-ass icon graphics to illustrate. I made them! I didn’t steal them. Sure, some of the stuff didn’t work, and you could tell where I started running out of time to complete the project, because objects on-screen didn’t do as many cool things anymore, and there were some flubbed links to movies and such… but, damn, I forgot that I knew something cool!

Pathetically enough, whenever I think of cool things I’ve managed to throw together, my thoughts usually turn to Tim Schavitz. Yeah, yeah, I know… I shouldn’t have to compare myself to anyone… but sometimes, you just need a yardstick to measure up with. Back in college, when I felt like academia was dragging me down, and my lack of creativity was dragging me down, Tim was one of the only design influences who pulled me up.

He and I had enough classes together during my last year at BGSU that we compared notes and fed off of each other. …OK, truth is, I fed off of him. He was everyone’s starchild, and rightly so, although he’d deny it if given the chance. Anyway, we’d look at other people’s projects, and critique them privately amongst ourselves, and wonder in amazement at how many of our classmates were sub-par designers (though, in retrospect, given the VCT curriculum and focus, it’s not surprizing).

Among what you would expect from design students — that is, lumping VCT students in with Graphic Design students — I’d have given most VCT students in our general age range at the time a 4 out of 10. Myself, I’d give a 7 out of 10. Tim, 9 out of 10. Most Intro Graphic Design students and Typography students I studied with, I’d give them a 6 or 7 out of 10. Some rated a 5, some rated an 8 or 9. Graphic Design students just seemed more immersed in design than VCT students, who were more immersed in the mechanics and process of “how” than the overall plan and scheme of “what.” Like Sean used to say, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit. You need good ideas, good media, good footage, to produce a good product. Ideally, anyway.

Usually at this point in the “I suck and I should be destroyed” rant, Aaron (or whoever’s handy) will smack me around and say, “You don’t suck! Look at the shit I made! Now that sucks!” Very well. I will accept your compliments with thanks, and continue with my rant.

So, looking back on all this — my Director portfolio, my designs, my wares in general — I have decided that I need to find more foo-foo projects to embark upon, to sharpen my skills. Now, Tim used to do this all the time, making funky Flash stuff that didn’t really mean anything too deep, or do anything too amazing, but it was cool to look at and probably fun to make. With that in mind, I sought out a source of design inspiration… and came up frighteningly short. All the old, bleeding-edge style that used to make our entire group of self-proclaimed VCT Elite spontaneously mess in our drawers — that stuff just doesn’t do it for me anymore. 2advanced, meh. I’m having a hard time finding anything that takes my designer’s breath away these days. And if I can’t find it, if I can’t even identify what it would be, how am I to produce it?

Links I’ve found to mildly get my juices flowing:
+ Designs by Mark (great Photoshop tutorials)
+ THREE.OH: Digital Design Journal
+ We’re Here: Intelligent Design & Development
+ The Shodown Forum: Graphics & Web Dev

P.S. – I know I had another weird dream last night, but I forgot it before I could write it down.

jobhunt

Me and my f_¢k€d up dreams

OK, so this time I was at college. It was supposedly BGSU, but again, you know how dreams are. I had a room by myself for a while, then my old roommate Mary moved in with me. (Good christ, Mary teaches the Gifted class now?!) — Anyway, I was living in a poor excuse for a dorm — more like a shabby apartment complex that should have been demolished. But it was mine, and I had it all figured out. But Mary moved her stuff in, and blocked the doorway so people had to literally crawl into the room, and kept moving the beds around into weird and unsuitable places in the room. Then she found a room in the next building over where we could cook food, and proceeded to make four different dishes on the stoves in this dank, dark, unheated and really creepy place she’d discovered. Of the dishes, I only recall the cheesy potatoes. Then she went back to our room and left me to put the food in containers and store it… somewhere. When I finally got back, via back hallways and tunnels, she was asleep or studying or something.

Somehow, at the end of the dream, Mary magically became Amy — either Mary moved out and Amy moved in, or one of those weird dream-things happened, where people just randomly become different people and it’s perfectly OK… until you try to explain it later. Anyway, the end of the dream involved me trying to convince Amy that maybe we should move out of the dorm we were in and back into one of the dorms with larger rooms: Rodgers, or even Kohl. She was quite receptive.

I know I forgot a lot of the details, and there were plenty, but that’s the basic gist. Jeez, is this what I get for thinking, "You know, I haven’t remembered my dreams for quite a while now…"? Or maybe it’s from being regularly awakened by my alarm clock earlier than usual, to prepare myself for 8-to-5’s again.

Anyway, back to the real world…

I had my phone interview with HCR ManorCare today. Mr. Kevin Shoop sounded to be about my age or thereabouts — seems they had the guy call all the people he could potentially be working with, and tell them about the job to make sure they were still interested. He seriously sounded more nervous than I felt, and that really relaxed me a bit. So, I’m to be one of ten candidates eligible for an in-person interview for this Web Content position, slated to be filled by mid-December. I’m glad I don’t have all my proverbial eggs in one basket this time, though — even if I don’t get this HCR position, I still have a new job and a pay increase. And a $600 incentive check in January, and another raise in March, if I stick around that long. Either way it goes, I’m happy. I think.

I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time on the Saginaires Alumni Association website lately. Well, why not, when we have an alumni benefactor who’s donating 300MB of webspace indefinitely, plus covering our domain name (which was once my own "donation")? Oh, yeah, and the traffic on our Yahoo! Group has increased from a rare maximum of 19 messages a month between December 2000 and September 2003, spiking up to 233 messages this October and nearly 1000 this month so far. I attribute the growth to the success of the alumni reunions (which I had nothing to do with this time — I didn’t plan it, and I didn’t even go, because it’s on Black Swamp weekend). They all seem to love the site, so I’m going to continue to run with it. There were times when I’d considered shutting the whole damn thing down — but I didn’t, because it was my baby, my first website, the reason I learned HTML in the first place. And now, I’m glad I kept it around. Just goes to show, I guess.

Oh, and by the way: if you feel you must drink diet soda, check out Diet Rite. White Grape rocks my world.