I Wore This Shirt When I Was Ten

Riverview Gators, 1986-87

This is my elementary school t-shirt from the 1986-1987 school year. I was in fifth grade when I got it; in the photo above, I’m age 41 and wearing it again.

I remember I was so mad when Memaw bleached it and the collar and sleeve rings went from dark blue to brown. I also remember that it’s in such good shape because it didn’t fit me long afterward. (Puberty was not kind; I gained some 20 pounds over the course of my seventh grade year, and another 20 in eighth grade.)

A few days ago, I decided to revisit my box of old t-shirts that I’m saving for themed quilts (or just because). I discovered that I’m almost ready to order a Totoro-themed quilt or a rock-band-themed quilt, I’ve got a ways to go for Connor’s superhero-themed quilt… and I discovered that this shirt from 5th grade I’d been saving is a size large.

So I tried it on. And it fit.

Mind. Blown.

So, even when I’m feeling down for having recently regained ten pounds of the 80 pounds I’d lost, I still have this: I can wear a shirt I wore on a Gifted class field trip to Cape Canaveral when I was ten.

April 2017 Weigh-In

Weight graph, 12 month trend

There’s not much to say that I haven’t already said, as far as my weight loss journey is concerned. My weight is creeping up and up and I don’t like it. It’s mostly attributable to evening snacking, although I’m sure other factors come into play, too (like my waning workout habits).

I’ll be in the right headspace for a few days, then I’ll eat something that triggers me to binge, and then it takes me a few days to find any fucks to give — and by then, even more damage has been done.

Because it’s worked before, I’m going to photojournal my meals for a while. I’m not sure where I’ll post them, or at what frequency — daily on Facebook, weekly on my blog, or daily on Twitter (which feels like talking out loud to no one in particular at a loud party), but I need to post it publicly for added accountability.

Here’s today’s meals — and yes, I’m seeing a distinct lack of fruits and veggies here. While I’m trying to ramp up my protein intake, that doesn’t mean I should ignore plants. I’ll work on that.

Food journal 4/25/2017

I need to get and stay in a healthy headspace. I’m starting to feel extra frumpy and puffy and not at all awesome, and I miss that awesome feeling and I want it back.

This sucks.

If You’re Bored Then You’re Boring

Just having one of those evenings where nothing I’d planned to do sounds good. I had a whole to-do list figured out: balance my checkbook, post a blog entry from some notes I’d typed out earlier, epilate my legs, some other stuff. Instead, all I want to do is play on my phone and stuff my face.

Last week was weird. My son was home from pre-k with a fever, so I worked from home on Tuesday, took a personal day Wednesday, then worked from home again on Friday, with my husband rocking “Daddy Days” with Connor for the remainder of the week. I didn’t plan my meals well, didn’t get much activity or even any time outside. At today’s Weight Watchers weigh-in, I’d gained just over a pound in two weeks.

I told my leader I wasn’t that worried. That was kind of a lie, since I continue to be worried about my lack of judgement and self-control in the moment. Tired, cranky, depressed, thrown off, worried, stressed — all those lead to food.

When I’m in the right mental space, I know what to do. When I’m feeling shitty, I still know what I should do, but I sincerely don’t care in that moment. It’s not All Or Nothing thinking — I don’t go down a crazy rabbit hole all night or all week because I screwed up — but it is self-sabotage of a sort.

I don’t fit in my clothes right anymore. I feel jiggly and frumpy and blah, even though I currently weigh 32 pounds less than when I started Weight Watchers, and over 70 pounds less than when I got married 14 years ago.

I had reached the point of feeling a certain kind of awesome, back before I gained this ten pounds back over a year and a half, and I need to recapture that awesomeness somehow. It’s not going to happen during this week of birthday cakes and fancy dinners (and I’m fine with that — birthdays only come once a year), but I think my present to myself for my 41st birthday will be to Treat Myself Right.

12 Things That Are Always In My Refrigerator

In my fridge

Our favorite supermarket stopped carrying Philadelphia Fat Free Cream Cheese a couple weeks ago. It’s such a staple in our fridge that we looked at a different store for it this past week, to no avail — Aaron had to buy that store’s brand of fat-free cream cheese, instead.

It got me to thinking about the things we always keep in our fridge. I think this probably went around as some sort of meme years ago, but now I present to you, just for shits and giggles and in no particular order, twelve things we always have in our fridge (at least, right after grocery shopping).  (more…)

February 2017 Weigh-In: Stay the Course

We had a Weight Watchers At-Work Open House today, and 25 potential new members showed up. I know only a handful of those signed up — I watched to see how many people took a payroll-deduction form — but it was still encouraging to see the meeting room so full of new faces.

It was also eye-opening to me to see where I stand on the weight spectrum. Sometimes I forget to be thankful for the health and fitness I currently enjoy. Sometimes I forget that I’m only 15 pounds above my current Goal Weight, not 50 or 100.

Me in 2003, 2008, and 2017

This morning’s preview weight on the bathroom scale led me to believe I’d be up a smidge today, but I actually lost 0.6 lbs from last week. I’ll take it, especially since my weight has been slowly trending upward over the course of this month.

I haven’t really been keeping up with my Non-Scale Victories lately. I should really get back to that. I guess one pretty big NSV is the paczki that sat on my desk all morning long, untouched, waiting for my weigh-in, and went home in the container with the remainder of the blueberry muffins I brought, with the intention of splitting it with my son for dessert later. (Edit: unfortunately, my son opted not to split the paczki with me, and I ended up eating it after he went to bed.) Another one is the fact that I ate the WW snack buffet for lunch — muffin, cooked veggies, fake guac with chips, and a chocolate whoopie pie — and felt sated enough not to go get an additional lunch on top of all that.

It’s important to focus on the little things: the small habits changed, the feeling of health. I’ve recently lost that lovin’ feelin’ about active weight loss, and focusing on the little things — and having my eyes opened to where I really am in the journey — makes all the difference.

I remembered that, to jolt myself out of a previous slump, I had gone back to my blog and re-read the entries from when I was experiencing awesome weight loss. So, I did that again, and came across this gem that I so badly needed right now:

I’m too close to let myself screw this up now. When I eat healthy, I feel healthy. When I eat crap, I feel like crap. Like I said last month, wearing cute clothes is its own reward; so is feeling awesome.

Stay the course.

The answer isn’t adjusting my Goal Weight back upward to 170, like I’d briefly considered this month. The answer is to get back on track, be mindful, be active, be appreciative, and stay the course.

In a Cheesecake State of Mind

Cheesecake with Weightwatchers name tag in background

I snapped this photo because I absolutely loved the irony of the giant dessert juxtaposed with my Weight Watchers nametags.

Then I ate the whole piece of caramel apple cheesecake.

That’s kind of been my MO this week: self-medicating my fatigue with caffeine and carbs. That’s a spiral I don’t like to be in, so I’m hitting the hay just a smidge early tonight.

At work, I harp on leading indicators vs. lagging indicators — basically, reacting to the past instead of predicting and shaping the future. The caffeine and sugar binges are (partially) due to fatigue; my lateness to work is (partially) due to my multiple times hitting the snooze on my alarm — and it all traces back to sleep. Find the bedtime sweet spot, and things will start to work out better for me.

I hope. Sweet dreams, all.

January Weigh-In: Back On Track

It’s going to take continued effort to get back to  pre-Thanksgiving levels of fitness and healthy-eating fortitude, but I’m at least headed in the right direction.

I know that my main weakness right now is evening snacking. It has been for some time. I get tired, my mouth gets “wanty” (as opposed to hungry — my Mom used to use that word on me when I was a kid). Some days, I have the staying power to keep myself busy and out of the cupboard; others (like tonight), it’s a struggle or a losing battle.

This week, I’m down about two pounds from last week… but I have a way to go yet. My low weight in August was still ten pounds above Goal.

Now, I know that my weight is just a number on a scale. I also know that I saw what my arms looked like at kickboxing last week; I could tell I’d lost some muscle definition, and I didn’t like it. I also know that my face is rounder than it was, and my midriff is back to being a jiggly spare tire instead of an extra curve.

I’ve gotten so close. I’m seriously curious about how fit I can get, and what I’ll look like when I get there.

It’s just a continual challenge to break old habits and form new ones. I’ve already broken so many over the years — Chinese buffet lunches, Mountain Dew addiction, eating dinner in front of the TV — so I know I can continue to change and improve.

It all happens moment by moment, decision by decision. I read about the idea of each decision you make as being a vote you cast for who you want to become. I like that idea. It helps eliminate the all-or-nothing mentality, and makes the “bad” decisions sting less but mean more.

I’m on the right track, moving in the right direction. Always moving.

Return of “Why Did I Eat That?”

An old friend reminded me on Facebook (where I cross-post all my blog entries) that I need to do the “thought work” behind the food and fitness decisions that I make.

Sounded like a good time to reinstate the old Why Did I Eat That? exercise.

Friday and Monday were good days.

I don’t have it marked on the graph, but my Daily Target is 30 SmartPoints. I also get a Weekly Allowance of an additional 35 …which didn’t cover my indiscretions this week. Not even close. (But I at least kept tracking.)

Also, for those not familiar with Weight Watchers, the Points system is basically a way to encourage healthy food decisions — it’s loosely based on calories, with emphasis put on fresh fruits and vegetables and lean protein. Saturated fats and sugars are discouraged in the Points algorithm, as well.

So, depending on what I eat, my calories could look just fine, but my SP Values would be all wonky. That said, I ate way more calories than necessary on Tuesday and Thursday — 2,000 and 2,300 respectively. Sunday was around 1,400, but some of it was sugary snacks, which is why my SmartPoints total was all whack. On my two Perfectly On Plan days, I ate 1,200 and 900 calories, with a healthy percentage of my calories coming from protein.

You’ll note that I’m skirting the issue. So, why did I eat that? And what did I eat, anyway?  (more…)

Rookie Mistake

“I haven’t been to a fitness class since the holidays started,” I admitted to no one in particular as I picked out my locker before Wednesday’s kickboxing class. “I’m about to get my butt kicked.”

How right I was.

I made the mistake of jumping back in full throttle, at the same level I’d been participating before I took my little two-month exercise sabbatical. I was so looking forward to kickboxing, and I was also looking forward to my first non-treadmill workout with my new Fitbit Charge 2. I went for it HARD.

Two days later, I can certainly tell I was a little too aggressive with my bob-and-weaves and my jab-cross combinations, among others. My upper arms and the backs and insides of my thighs are stiff as hell.

So, of course I continued my sub-par decision-making by opting out of my previously planned treadmill walk, and choosing instead to spend today’s lunch break querying my WordPress MySQL database in preparation for my annual Year In Review post.

Being muscle-sore has the added bonus of always causing me to weigh in heavier than I would expect, presumably from inflammation and water retention. Add that to a late-night fatigued eating binge (more poor decisions!), and my weight this morning sailed right past Oh Shit and bordered on Jesus Fuck.

Kickboxing is scheduled for Monday of next week. My official Weight Watchers weigh-in is Tuesday, department lunch on Wednesday, then a Barre Sculpt class on Thursday. No matter what the scale says, no matter how I feel physically or mentally, my health — my fitness, physical and mental — has to come first. No more skipping workouts, no more late-night binge eating.

I’ve had a couple of years to stabilize at this weight (or thereabouts). 2017 is the year when I buckle down and take it to the next level.

Whatever that means. I’ll know it when I see it.