ruminations 4 Comments

Delicate Balance

One day last week, I went to write a “what’s up with Diana” blog entry while I was at work. Just snagging five minutes here and there, so it was kind of disjointed and stream-of-consciousness. What I came up with was so unexpectedly negative, I didn’t even feel I should post it. I kept it in my home e-mail, though, just so I could look back at it later with a giant WTF.

I’ve been under some weird kinds of stress lately, I guess. Nothing earth-shattering, but a collection of little things. My aikido rank test is coming up on Saturday the 26th, and I don’t feel as ready as I should be. I have training for work in Columbus and in Chicago coming up next month, and I’m still unsure about how to properly book my hotels and my flight out to O’Hare, so I’ll be sure to be reimbursed by the company. I’m in the midst of a weight-loss challenge, which I seem not to be winning right now.

All of these things seem petty and manageable on their own (and I’m sure there are others I’ve left out, including the monthly hormonal BS), but their combined effect is unusually powerful right now. I can go from zero to pissed in about two seconds, for no good reason. Poor Aaron is positive it’s all him, but it seriously isn’t. It’s me. Being weird. In a not-so-good way.

No, sir, I don’t like it.

The trick seems to be balancing my diet, exercise, and productivity to gently affect my mood. If one of those goes down the shitter, the whole balance is thrown off, and I go down some fucked-up spiral of “I suck”-ness. I’m always so hard on myself for not living up to my own unreasonably high standards. It’s like I have to consciously psyche myself out in such a way to fool the part of my brain that knows I’m not doing everything “right.”

I want to be confident. I want to be knowledgeable. I want to be healthy. I want to look good. I want to feel good. I want to like myself. I want to like myself as I am. I want to stop looking in the mirror and asking myself, “What is WRONG with me?”

I want to want what I already have.

video 3 Comments

Take Five

Even if you already know the tune, watch the video. It’s a quicker tempo than the standard recording that all of us jazz / band / jazz band geeks know and love, and the drum solo? To die for.

If you don’t know the tune, shame on you! Watch this video and get your jazz on. (Non-music people: it sounds all groovy partially because there’s five beats to the measure — hence the title, “Take Five.”)

[thanks for the heads-up, Wil!]

weight loss 1 Comment

The Challenge: Week #2

Running Weight Loss Totals:

Diana James
Week 1: 0.5% 1.5%
Week 2: 1.6% 2.3%

Official Tuesday weight: 209. My low weight for the week was 208, though, and I’ve been hovering between 208 and 208.5 all week (except for last Tuesday’s weigh-in, of course).

Last week, I declared that my strategy would be to eat out only once during the weekend, and eat the remainder of the weekend’s meals at home. I managed to successfully stick to my plan, only eating out for lunch on Saturday, after aikido. I also managed to track everything I ate over the weekend, including my lunch at the Reynolds Garden Café.

Next step: eat HEALTHY at home and in restaurants.

Lunch? At the Reynolds Garden Café? Racked up every last calorie I’d burned in aikido that morning, plus some. Ninety minutes of martial arts wiped out by one giant Smothered Chicken Omelet. And I knew better, but I ate it anyway. Dinner that night was Sweet Mustard Chicken and frozen green beans; still a calorie-laden meal, though, since I ate two chicken breasts instead of just one.

It was Sunday’s lunch that was really the kicker, though: I broke down and made alfredo sauce. With full-fat cream cheese, and butter, and parmesan, and 2% milk. Ate it with baked chicken over low-carb organic whole-wheat elbow macaroni. It was a great low-carb meal, but not so much a good balanced meal. Incredible amounts of fat and overall calories… and with no aikido to balance them out. Dinner was super-spicy Thai Coconut Shrimp over brown rice: still a little high in calories, actually. Or maybe my portions are a little out of kilter. Either way, Sunday was a learning experience. I guess I should count myself lucky that I only gained a pound and a half from Sunday to Monday.

As far as exercise goes, I’ve been doing OK. I take half-hour walks during my lunch most days of the work week (although I’ll sometimes work through my lunch one day a week as personal penance for coming in late, even though I’m salary). I went to aikido on Wednesday and Saturday (finally, a day of no bleeding!), plus I did some pilates last Tuesday, and yoga last night.

My goal for next week is going to be portion control, especially on the weekends. I want to make a concerted effort to eat small, frequent meals on weekends, like I do during the week. Weekend weight-gain is my biggest challenge right now; once I can maintain a steady weight from Friday to Monday, I’ll move on to another challenge, like exercise.