aikido

Learning Experience

I’m finding it really fascinating, meeting my various sempai on the aikido mat and seeing how their minds work. I find that I gravitate toward certain people (and try to keep away from others), not so much because of their technique, but because of their attitude.

I find that I take ukemi better (i.e. I fall better) when a powerful and confident technique is performed on me. Hell, being thrown by Sensei is downright fun; I come up smiling almost every time. One of my sempai even commented that I’m falling much better now — I thanked him, but I really wanted to thank him for performing the technique with such finesse. It makes falling easier when my energy is honestly being shifted around, instead of just going through the motions.

Some of my sempai seem to handle me with kid gloves, and don’t put enough actual energy into the movement. It’s difficult for me to turn up the energy when faced with someone who won’t reciprocate. Just throw me. Just do the joint-lock. Don’t worry about my lack of hakama and rank; you won’t hurt me. I learn more from someone who’s doing the technique all-out, no holds barred. —Strike that. I learn more from nage doing the technique at a moderate pace, step-by-step but with a discernible flow, methodically, so I can follow.

My favorite is when I get with someone — there are a few people like this — who takes joy in aikido and puts it into the technique. Several of my lower-ranked sempai are like this. Their technique isn’t flawless, but the energy is there, and the joy is in their face, and they make me feel it, too. The higher-ranked sempai who have this spark in them are wonderful teachers; they won’t let me continue a technique wrong. They’ll just stop and let me start over, or stop and let me figure out on my own how to shift my energy properly. The lower ranks will simply start doing commentary on their own technique aloud as they throw me, so I can think the same commentary step-by-step as I throw them.

I’m not comfortable being the more experienced partner yet, though. I do have a couple of kohai — actually, I don’t know if I can really be said to have kohai, as I’m still unranked, and I’m not sure if the newer mukyu would count as my kohai. I think they would, though. At any rate, the some of the newer mukyu and even a couple of the rokyu (lowest rank) are more hesitant than I about certain techniques. I’m not comfortable trying to say anything to help; in fact, I’m pretty sure that’s inappropriate for someone of my ranklessness. Still, I could lead by example, but the temerity of my partner almost always makes me more timid.

This is all golden. I’m learning so much about myself and my interactions with other people in general.

Bottom line? I need to trust myself more, have more confidence in myself.

This is why I joined the dojo.

randomness

Another Weird Dream

I’ve mentioned this before, but I hate having effed-up dreams wherein Aaron and I have weird relationship issues. Even though I know we’re perfectly fine in our marriage, it always makes me wonder if my subconscious is seeing something I’m not.

Last night, dream-Aaron and I got married after having done a courthouse wedding a week or so before. (That was an odd dream sequence in many ways, but not particularly disturbing.) Then we went out and partied, but the bar was playing a song that Aaron associated with bad memories from high school, so we left and went elsewhere. Later on, he left me alone to go hang out with some guy friends and have a bachelor party of sorts. I wandered the streets alone, and found him some time afterward standing in a doorway with a friend or two, smoking a freshly-lit cigarette — which I immediately called him on.

Both before and after the bachelor party, I remember that we had some serious and deep dream-conversations about us. I don’t remember what they were about, specifically, but I awoke disturbed and uneasy.

This couldn’t all stem from the fact that I didn’t do the dishes last night like I told Aaron I would… could it?

japan trip 2007

Japan Trip Travelogue Interruptus

You may have noticed that it’s been a while since I documented anything about the Japan trip back in May. You may also have noticed that I haven’t even managed to document our entire first full day in Japan yet. Daunting, yes.

But, you can listen to Aaron and myself talk about the Japan trip on his Weekly Anime Review Podcast. What we’ve covered so far is:

  • Part 1: Our arrival, our bus tour, and our impromptu trip to Akihabara.
  • Part 2: The Meguro Parasitological Museum and Nakano Broadway.
  • Part 3: Ginza and the Sanja Festival in Asakusa.

I have photos up through Day 4 on my Flickr, if you choose to peruse. I still have a couple days’ worth of photos to upload, and I’ll get on that soon.

We really need to go back to Japan someday.

spirituality 2 Comments

Zazen at Home

During my free time today at work, I did some Google searches on the various accoutrements involved in meditation at the zendo. Mainly, I was looking for places to purchase a zafu and zabuton, plus a bell to signify the beginning and ending of zazen.

Yes, I realize that meditation can happen anywhere, and that all the trappings are not necessary. Still, I was curious about how much these sort of things might cost; were they inexpensive enough, they would be classy and unique items to have around, and would perhaps help me get in the zen zone.

Or maybe not.

Zafu appear to be prohibitively expensive for a simple pleated cushion, often costing around $40 (not including the flat zabuton that goes beneath). Zen bells and gongs are less so; I got to thinking, though, that I would rather have a timer that sounded a bell or gong for me, instead of me acting as proctor for myself as I try to meditate at home.

I’d read about zen alarm clocks — I’d love to have one, except that I’m afraid it would wake Aaron, too, just like having the blinds open would. (Either or both of which would be ideal ways for me to wake, were we not on opposite schedules… but I digress.) So, off I went to find a smaller, less expensive zen timer.

What I found was the Meditation Timer. It has multiple timer settings, plays a digital recording of a zen gong at the beginning and end of the given time, and has a bunch of other cool features. However… it costs $65, and that’s with free shipping.

Finally, I decided that I need to start meditating at home without all the fancy zen accessories. I found a shareware timer program that can play a sound file of your choice when the timer hits zero; then I hit Google and found the zen bell sound I wanted to use. I set up the timer program, grabbed a throw pillow off the couch, lit some incense, found an appropriate piece of wall to stare at, and was good to go for my first successful home meditation session. (I say “successful” because I’ve tried it before and given up after only two minutes, being timerless.)

After an hour of a yoga DVD and ten minutes of zazen, I’m feeling pretty mellow. Not particularly productive, granted, but mellow and peaceful.

Maybe I’m on the right track for keeping a positive mindset and getting in touch with my inner self.

spirituality 3 Comments

On Aikido And Zen

I wouldn’t say aikido is getting easier, per se. I think maybe Sensei is starting with more basic techniques and building on them more slowly throughout the class. Plus, I’ve only been attending the Wednesday one-hour classes, so there’s only so much one can fit into that teaching block. At any rate, I feel like I’m picking up on things quicker, physically recovering quicker after class, and not being as terrified that I’m going to screw up.

We’ve been doing some techniques that require rolling, too. I haven’t gotten much better at it, but I have started to do it instead of wussing out entirely. At the suggestion of Taisho-sempai, I did about a dozen rolls by myself after class, and finally started to comprehend how it’s supposed to feel. I think. It stopped feeling so awkward and clumsy, anyway, and I came up on my feet at the end, so that’s an improvement.

After class, at Zen practice, I made a very, very important discovery: I can’t sit for extended periods of time in seiza (kneeling, sitting on my feet). I’m not sure how long our session of za-zen lasted, but my legs went past asleep to downright numb. When the bell rang for the end of za-zen, I physically could not get up. My legs had NO FEELING. I flopped around to face in the general direction of the altar, to which everyone was bowing from a standing position, and massaged my feet. They felt rubbery and detached.

You can probably guess that I didn’t exactly attain enlightenment during today’s za-zen session.

Immediately after za-zen, we were all to head out to the aikido mat in the other room to do walking meditation, so I forced my legs under me and balanced on lower legs and feet that I literally could not feel. I swear, this must be how people with prosthetics feel when they walk. There was no small amount of luck involved in my keeping upright during the short walk to the mat. After a little bit of walking meditation (which started out embarrassingly wobbly for me), the pins and needles came in, followed by normalcy. Finally. After several minutes of walking.

Never. Ever. Again. From now on, I sit on my ass when I meditate. None of this kneeling in seiza shit.

After an evening of aikido and zen practice, I feel much like I remember feeling after church. Calm. At peace with myself and the world. In tune with those around me. Except, adding the aikido into the mix, I also feel physically different. It’s like Sensei was talking about at the end of class today: training mind, body, and spirit takes more than just sitting and lighting some smelly-good candles. It takes effort.

I feel like Wednesday evenings are becoming my devotional to myself. Mind, body, and spirit.