dianaschnuth

I must be defective.

I think I’m missing that vital gene in womenfolk that causes us to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at newborns, and to want desperately to hold them and make nonsense words at them.

Today at work, the woman who’s currently out on maternity leave decided to come visit and bring her firstborn for everyone to see. Nothing against either of them, really, but I couldn’t have cared less. All the womenfolk cooing and awwing over the baby girl actually started to grate on my nerves after a few minutes.

Sure, when I signed out for lunch, I passed by the group of ladies ogling the baby, and I took a look at her… and, sure enough, it was a baby. Asleep, to boot, which I think is the very best kind of baby. I looked at her for a grand total of about five seconds, and then I was done. I may have smiled, to be polite. No oohing or gooing or other general cutesiness from me.

Maybe it’s a learned reaction. Every time I get near a very young baby and try to hold it, it invariably intimates from my general attitude that a.) I am not its Mommy, and b.) I am not, in fact, a Mommy at all. At which point, of course, the child becomes disenfranchised with being held by some interloper and demands a real Mommy. Loudly.

It’ll be different when it’s my kid. I hope. Maybe my ga-ga goo-goo genes will activate… or maybe I’ll lose my fear of looking stupid and/or overly sappy in public.

I’m getting quite disturbed by these dreams about wanting to get it on with someone from work. Someone, incidentally, whom I most definitely do NOT find sexually attractive. Nothing against him, but he’s just not my type. Totally.

I had this bizarre dream last night (I think—maybe it was Saturday night) that this same guy from work was spending the night in Aaron’s and my house (which, of course, wasn’t where we live in real life). In the dream, I totally wanted to get it on with this guy, but I knew that Aaron and I only had one condom left (yes, this detail was based in reality), so he’d notice if I used it and we were suddenly out of snoo-snoo hats. Also, when I told this guy I was hot for him, he once again expressed ambivalence about the situation. I think he said something like, “OK, but I’m gonna feel bad about it.”

In the dream, I had planned to lay down in the bed with Aaron, then wait until he fell asleep and go to the guest bedroom and accost Less-Than-Willing Dude From Work; unfortunately, Aaron woke up and knew exactly what I’d been planning. Of course, he was too tired to be really pissed, but not too tired to take care of the proverbial business with me, so I wouldn’t want to go to the other guy.

I remember feeling kind of bad for telling the guy I’d meet him in his room, then not holding up my end; but at the same time, I knew he wasn’t really into it, so it wasn’t like I was being a dick-tease or anything.

WTF is up with these bizarre dreams? What does this represent?

When I have recurring themes in my dreams (especially ones vivid enough to remember), I know my brain is trying to tell me something. I’m really interested in being involved in *something* that I feel is lukewarm toward me, at best. Since the main character is from work, I have to believe it’s something work- or career-related. The most obvious connection, for me, would be the few attempts I’ve made toward getting a job in my field, versus staying with Sky.

(I wish Amy were here to help me read my Tarot. She always has a fresh and objective perspective, but knows me enough to know my inner struggles and what the cards could represent. I end up reading what I want to read.)