memories 1 Comment

Still Rings True

Recently, I found myself reflecting on some advice given me by my high school choir director upon my graduation. There was one particular passage that resonated in my memory, but I’ll quote the whole note here:

May 1994

Well, Lady,

We’ve arrived at the end of our 4 year association. Only regret I personally have, is not having met you a few years earlier! Did you know back then, that music was your calling?

I’ve watched you grow and develop your musical skills methodically and academically. The only area you struggle with, can only happen when you decide to let go of thinking and simply; Be; Do; Feel.

My wish for you includes success in a difficult field and personal growth with the new exposures you will now experience. Don’t cut yourself off due to insecurities. Take the chance ( – it will hurt some but it isn’t endless).

Most Sincerely,
Tamara Beall

Who would have known that, thirteen years later, I would still have trouble with that.

Let go of thinking and simply be. Do. Feel.

aikido

Ow, My Shoulder!

After struggling with whether I should continue with aikido or not, I decided that quitting would be kind of silly. Especially after only two classes. So I went to a third class today, and plan to go to a fourth on Wednesday.

Apparently, the Monday one-hour classes are notorious for going over one hour. Had the class only lasted the requisite one hour, I would have been fine. As it was, the class was probably 90 minutes, and I ended up sitting out the last ten minutes or so — “grounding” myself, Sensei called it.

I still have some sort of mental block with rolling — I just haven’t done it right yet, haven’t found the sweet spot so I can replicate that “correct” feeling. Like I told Andy-sempai and Sensei, it’s frustrating to have that feeling that I’m *almost* understanding it, and that it should be easy to understand, but that it’s just not clicking yet. I admitted to Sensei, during my “grounding” time, that one of the reasons I joined the dojo was that I want to get over my problem with feeling stupid. He assured me that I’d get over that, as that’s a big part of the learning process. Everyone gets that feeling, and everyone comes to accept the feeling of not-knowing. I told him that I look forward to getting to that point.

Today’s standard minor aikido injuries / afflictions include a mat burn on the top of my left foot (“the oozy kind,” as Amy-sempai called it); generally weak quads; and an uncomfortably twisted left shoulder, gotten from Roy-sempai from a slightly more complex move when my ukemi (i.e. my submittal to or receiving of his technique) was just a little off. I think it’s mainly true that the only major injuries in aikido are when one or the other partner has improper form, and the technique is done incorrectly. I’m hoping to keep my injuries to a minimum. 🙂

I’m glad I decided not to quit. I feel physically good after aikido — at this point in my training, it’s a cardio workout like I’ve rarely gotten before, even in drum corps. I’ve made it a point to eat well and healthily before aikido classes, and I don’t seem to have any interest in dinner afterward. (Which is too bad, since it sounds like the dojo informally goes to the Brew House for beers after Monday classes.)

Speaking of food, I’m going to make some homemade ice cream. I’d try custard, but I’d like to actually *have* some before I go to bed, and custard requires cooking and cooling time, while ice cream requires no such thing. Next time, though…

music 4 Comments

Everybody Dance Now

Earlier this week, a co-worker got a song stuck in my head. Actually, just a chorus, since that’s all I could remember. The resulting resurgence of mid-to-late-80s hip-hop memories has been disturbing, on one hand, but a hell of a lot of fun on the other.

Last night, I fired up Ye Olde SoulSeek P2P client to see what I could find. Amongst other gems of non-hip-hop-ness, I gathered enough songs to combine with the few staples already in my library in order to start the following “Hip-Hop / Dance” playlist:

hip-hop playlist

Granted, the list is still small, and a couple of the songs are from the 2000’s, and one or two of them are more dance than hip-hop. I’m still working on it, though, and I need your assistance.

I’m working on locating I’ve downloaded “Pump Up The Jam” by Technotronic tonight — after that, though, I’ll need to sift through the Billboard Top 100 from 1986 to 1991 or so to find the songs I need. I’d rather have your suggestions first. I’m trying to focus on hip-hop and dance-pop music from 1986 or 1987 through 1991 or 1992. (That’s when I finally found friends who helped me hone my musical taste from the standard Top 40 to “progressive alternative,” like The Cure and Depeche Mode and their ilk.)

So, think back to the all-night skate, or the junior-high dance, Dance Party USA, or the clock-radio in your room, and hit me with some good hip-hop tunes that I’ll be almost embarrassed to admit that I used to totally love.

randomness 3 Comments

Making Things Plain

  1. I am, in fact, currently depressed. This is for a number of reasons, both biological and circumstantial. Yes, I am PMS-ing, but I am also surrounded by people at my work who either a.) have interviews lined up, or b.) have definite jobs lined up. This is a big part of my depression, being that my ego thinks I’m so much more worthy than many of these people. (James: not you, necessarily, although I do admit to a touch of jealousy at your pimp-ass DBA gig.)

    Yes, I know that the solution is to apply for more jobs, and to eventually secure one. This brings me to:

  2. I have now officially applied for seven jobs. Of these, I have received one “hire” (just got the check for last month’s task of worthiness today) for undervalued part-time website coding; one request for an interview that never got to the scheduling stage for some reason (on their part); and one polite and standard e-mail confirmation. I have no room to bitch until I reach at least one dozen apps out, and until I’ve followed up with every blessed one of them at least once. I haven’t applied for anything I haven’t gone all googley-eyed for when I read it, since I don’t want to settle on another sucky job. Yet.
  3. My computer now has 2GB of RAM. This makes me somewhat happier. You want systems experience, do ya? I installed my new RAM in probably three minutes, and that was including the minute that I stared stupidly at the RAM before I remembered that there’s only one way it’ll fit in the slot. That was $130 well spent.

Addendum to #1: One person at my work chose: option c.) quitting work entirely to be with her newborn son. She’s one of those who is very open with her feelings, and has shared with everyone her incredulity at the amount of love she has for her son. Being that she sits one cube over from me, the sound of her joy is rarely out of my range of hearing. This, of course, makes me sad. (If you don’t know why, you missed this post in January.) I think this has a big part to play in my current depression, whether consciously or subconsciously.

All I know is that I’m getting seriously pissed at being so depressed. My depression always manifests in overeating and not giving a shit (about overeating and about Life In General). Therefore, even being pissed about being depressed is only mildly helpful, until the anger and frustration outweighs the depression. In any case, I wouldn’t want to be around me right now.