Bootstraps

I was stupidly depressed all day at work. Hadn’t gotten enough sleep, ended up showing up to work late, my cubemate was out at his new job orientation, and I had a crapload of tedious work to do.

At least my legs finally stopped being sore.

When I got home, Aaron set me right. First, he did his typical Make-Diana-Happy move of being a goofball and tickling me until I’m genuinely laughing. Which is cool. Then he asked me if I’m going to quit aikido, and I told him no. I’m planning to stick it out until the end of July, when the Basics Seminar is being held, then make my decision. He pointed out that all I did all damn weekend was talk about aikido, which means that I really enjoyed it. He also pointed out that this is different than anything I’ve ever done before, including drum corps, and I can’t expect to go into it and already be good at it. That would be absurd. I agreed.

After our aikido discussion, he reinforced the fact that I need to focus on just one project or goal each evening. Just one. If I’m going to clean my desk, clean my desk. Don’t start doing something else, *then* clean my desk, and don’t make a list of twelve things and then get upset when they don’t all get done. Set attainable goals, and attain them.

I really appreciated that. It was exactly the kind of talking-to that I needed.

Per the schedule I made for myself, my computer’s getting turned off in about fifteen ten minutes. Then I’ll wash the dishes, make my lunch (with plenty of carbs and protein to prepare for my aikido class), pack my gym bag, and get ready for bed. Lights out at 11pm, even if I’m not sleepy. Maybe setting myself a nighttime schedule will help me get myself on track.

Oh, by the way? I spent a good hour or more cleaning my desk while I listened to iTunes. It’s not completely clean yet, but it’s well on its way. Tomorrow is aikido, followed by (assuming I’m feeling up to it afterward) printing resumes and determining which potential employers I need to follow up with.

Man. Sometimes these days-long stretches of depression freak me out. They don’t happen very often, and it gets really hard to pull myself up and out.

I’m glad I had help.

Goodbye, Saddlemire

Courtesy of the BG News: University says farewell to Saddlemire

This was the building where I bought my books every semester. This was the building where I sold those same books back every semester. This was the building that was supposedly shaped like a slide projector.

Apparently, the Saddlemire Student Services Building is being demolished, in preparation for an addition to the theater department. I’ll grant the theater department that they could use some more space, that’s for sure. An additional 500-seat theater, among other facilities, will definitely be a welcome addition to campus.

Still, though… it’s weird, watching my university change over time. Granted, it’s all for the better, but it’s still unsettling.

Self-Diagnosis

I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been feeling all funky lately. It’s not that I really think I’m a “fuck-up,” per se. It’s just that I know that I’m not living up to my own potential, as cheesy as that sounds.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I always, always have unfinished projects. Even if I were to quit my job and work on my unfinished projects and ideas for projects like it was my job, I would still have things to keep me busy probably until my mid-life crisis, at least. I also have what the Chinese call “monkey-mind” — that is, my attention span isn’t what I’d like it to be. Sure, once I get into a given project, I can work on it for hours and stay up way too late. That’s no problem. The problem is getting started and sticking with something, either on the short-term or the long-term.

For instance: I know I need to finish my portfolio and send out some follow-up letters to potential employers. But when I sit down at my desk, I hate the fact that it’s a paper-stacked disaster area, and I don’t feel like I can properly concentrate, much less find the papers I need. So I tell myself that I need to clean it before I do job-hunting work. But I either start cleaning it and get discouraged at the amount of work it’ll take to do it right, or I never even start because I keep putting it off by doing other things I find that “need” to be done and are more enjoyable.

This is all bullshit. Piddly bullshit. When I’m in the middle of it, I don’t realize what a lamer I’m being. After the fact, when it’s late at night or when I’m at work, I feel like a lazy idiot.

And what do I do when I’m in the middle of needing to do all this important crap? I pay to join an Aikido dojo. Ostensibly, it should help me focus my energies better and deal with issues with my comfort zone and my insecurity in new situations and blah blah blah. In reality, I’m afraid that’ll be several hours a week when I’m not doing what I “should” be doing, and then I’ll end up obsessing over my incompetency in Aikido on the off-days. Now I’m trying to justify not being a quitter, sticking with it for at least until next month’s Basic Seminar, when I feel deep down like I really shouldn’t have joined up in the first place. This is why I try not to be spontaneous about things like this.

I feel like all I can do is plan out my evenings in detailed fashion, and do my best to follow my plan, no matter what I’d rather be doing. I feel good about myself when I accomplish the one or two things I wanted to do in an evening. For instance, this evening I’m planning to feed the cat, start dinner, work out (upper body — my thighs are still stiff from aikido), eat dinner while I watch Good Eats on Food Network, spend 30 minutes checking email and blogs, then clean the top of my desk and get it sorted into hanging folders. If, after that, I have some time left over before I need to wash dishes and make tomorrow’s lunch, I’m sure I’ll find something to take care of, like watering my poor neglected houseplants.

I also hate the fact that I make such a big deal out of how to solve my weird, silly non-issues. I want to be like Aaron, whose ultra-basic philosophy involves a.) sit down at your desk and b.) do what needs to be done. End of story. What’s the big issue?

Hell if I know.

Aikido: Quick Follow-Up

My shoulder and hip soreness passed quickly. The muscular soreness manifested itself later, and with a vengeance. My quads are still stiff and painful, and my glutes and hamstrings are noticeably sore.

If I still feel like this tomorrow, I’m not going to Aikido class. Instead, I’ll hold off until Wednesday’s one-hour session. Aaron pointed out earlier today that, if I don’t go, I’m losing money. Considering that I paid the normal amount for two months, plus got my dogi and free enrollment in any workshops during the two-month period, I’m figuring that I’m still getting a deal, even if I don’t go at least twice a week.

I have trouble sticking with physical things that require a learning curve, it seems. I don’t like to look like a big dork, and I don’t like to be ignorant, even though I know that this is how everyone starts — even Sensei probably felt at one point like I do now.

I’m going to continue to attend at least one class a week (preferably two) until next month’s Basics Seminar. If I don’t feel like I’m “in the groove” by then… well, that’s quite a ways off yet. We’ll see.

Aikido Recap

Fun, yes. Easy, no. But definitely a good learning experience — in many ways.

Thankfully, Sensei started out the two-hour class with a rolling drill. Basically, he taught the basic technique for a forward roll, then a backward roll. Although I only worked on the forward roll myself, I was infinitely grateful to learn the proper technique so soon… and suspicious that the drill was for my benefit, and possibly for Brittney, the other new aikidoka. (I’d watched her in yesterday’s class — turns out she’s only in her second week of classes, so I feel a little better about being new.)

We moved into some throws after that, and my rolling technique went out the window for a while. I managed to get it back, though, to a degree, after Sensei pointed out that I was using my shoulder and elbow to break my fall, instead of rolling into it.

After the first set of throws, almost an hour into class, we went back to falls — sideways and backwards. I knew then that I was in trouble: the mat started to waver beneath my feet, and the room seemed vaguely unsteady. I ignored the discomfort and pressed on, although I knew exactly what my problem was.

I hadn’t eaten before class. And my dogi was getting very, very warm.

Truth be told, I hadn’t eaten well all day. I had a meal replacement bar for breakfast; Diet Mountain Dew as a morning “snack”; an Ostrim and three strawberries for lunch; and another Diet Mountain Dew, another meal replacement bar, and some cookies (an unexpected gift from my supervisor) for my afternoon snack. My original plan had been to order lunch out, since I hadn’t made the time this morning or the night before to make a proper lunch. Due to some snafus at work, though, I ended up scrapping the idea and just eating the snacks I’d brought. Also, I skipped dinner completely, since I had just about long enough to gather my things and head out to the dojo after Aaron left for work. This made for a poorly nourished Diana, especially one attending her first Aikido class — and a two-hour one at that, which was described by more than one person as being a bold move for my first class.

As I said, though, I pressed on, into the next set of throws. About ten minutes later, I excused myself from my partner and from the mat entirely.

Never before have I exerted myself to the point of vomiting. Not even in drum corps. It’s not something I’d care to repeat. I was glad that the gentleman yesterday had shown me where the restrooms were; I knew right where to beeline when I felt the unwelcome urgency overcome me as I left the mat.

I explained to Sensei upon my return that I hadn’t eaten, and that I was feeling unwell. He said I was welcome to take a seat at the back of the mat, and rejoin whenever I could; he said I could “make watching practice.” That was fine with me; I’d reached my breaking point for the evening. I did watch intently, but every time I gave thought to rejoining the foray, my stomach would start doing cartwheels again, and I’d quickly change my mind.

Sensei finally gestured me to rejoin for the cool-down exercises and the post-class announcements session, wherein I introduced myself to the group. Everyone was very understanding and welcoming, and seemed genuinely glad to have me in the class (even though I was a total neophyte, often needing to be reminded how the throws were done).

As we finished sweeping the mat (a tradition after each class, apparently), one of the other women in the class, Amy, suggested that we go get some Gatorade at the gas station down the street. (Can’t have me being all dehydrated and unwell and trying to drive home, after all.) After we changed back into our street clothes, that’s exactly what we did; she drove us both down to the Shell station and graciously bought Gatorades for both of us. That was an unexpected and very kind gesture, and one that I appreciated.

I did make it home OK, although I only barely sipped on my Gatorade. When I got home, I promptly beelined for the new recliner and crashed out for an entire hour. I was nauseous; I was sore; I was tired; and any movement at all reminded me of all three. Woke up to watch my favorite show on HGTV at 9pm, and continued sipping on my Gatorade. Flipped to a program on the History Channel after that, and continued sipping on my Gatorade. Never did eat dinner; I didn’t think I could keep it down. And my 32oz Gatorade is still half full as I write this.

Right now, I know that most of my soreness does indeed come from my incorrect technique. I’m not rolling properly, not rounded enough, so my shoulders and hips are sore from hitting the mat. I also discovered that I was dragging the knuckles of my left hand along the mat during some of the rolling drills, so those are rubbed raw. I also have a good deal of straight-up muscle soreness, though: arms, shoulders, back, thighs, glutes, basically any muscles involved in laying down or kneeling down or standing up.

Besides learning how to roll and fall, and how to tie my belt, I learned a few other things about myself today. I learned that I should stick with the one-hour classes for now, even if it means driving to the dojo straight from work, instead of stopping at home to see Aaron. I learned that proper nutrition is vital to getting the most out of my practice, so I need to eat a substantial afternoon snack before aikido. I learned that I do indeed have a physical breaking point, and I learned how it manifests itself.

If this had been a trial class prior to signing up, I might have been turned off and decided against it. As it is, though, I’m going to attend the one-hour classes next week and see if those treat me any better. The other two ladies seemed to think that coming to a two-hour class on my first day was definitely a bold move, so maybe that should be a hint for the immediate future.

Three hours after class, and I’m still not feeling normal yet. I’m going to crash hard in a matter of minutes.