Today’s personal epiphany: I have trouble differentiating physical fatigue from depression or mental fatigue. When I can’t summon any cares to give, it doesn’t occur to me that I might just need to go to bed earlier tonight. #mentalhealth
Category Archives: mental health
At Least I Can See It Coming Now
I hit the button to start writing a new post, and now I have a blank page staring back at me.
I’m here because I’m feeling kind of blah, and have felt that way for a good part of the day, for no discernible reason. Worked from home this morning, took my son to a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. Read a magazine because I didn’t want to play on my phone anymore. Ordered sushi for dinner (Connor requested a Philly roll and a Salmon Skin roll).
Haven’t wanted to do a damn thing this whole afternoon. There’s stuff I’ve wanted to get done, but nothing I wanted to take action on. I recognize this mood: if I’m not careful, I’ll end up watching YouTube for two or three hours and possibly eating an after-dinner snack and two desserts.
I received a friend request from a duplicate account on Facebook that actually does seem likely to be who they say they are. Still, though, I’m skeptical of all duplicate FB accounts. I contacted them via all other channels to verify — multiple email addresses, their other FB account — with no answer yet. I’m a little concerned, but not sure what I can do, and that’s not helping my funk right now.
If I don’t distract myself somehow, I’ll start down the path of legit reasons I have to be down on myself, and that’s definitely not helpful.
We’ll see.
Selected to Begin Training
The email arrived in my inbox this afternoon, about five hours after I sent a message explaining Connor’s recent absence from the dojo.
I received the email in duplicate: once for Connor, and once for myself. It read, “We are excited to announce that you are invited to participate in Black Belt Testing this fall!” Attached was a document (which, had we been present at class this week, we would also have received in hard copy) detailing the upcoming mandatory meetings and test dates.
I don’t know how I feel about this.
Lately, I haven’t been in the best headspace, generally speaking. I’ve had that behind-the-eight-ball feeling for quite some time now, like I can’t summon enough cares to give about much of anything. The mind-body connection is real, and I’m getting a definite chicken-and-egg downward-spiral vibe.
I’m currently carrying some thirty pounds of fat that I DO NOT WANT, and my new nutritionist is telling me to reject “diet culture” and instead learn to listen to my body. —I don’t know if I can trust my body to know what it really needs, nutritionally speaking, especially since my brain has a dopamine problem (i.e. ADHD).
I’m not confident in my ability to meet the fitness requirements of the upcoming black belt testing — so much so that I hesitate to even write down the Black Best Testing dates on the calendar. Granted, I have a personalized strength training program at the Fitness Center at my work centered specifically on my black belt fitness requirements, so it’s not like I’m not working toward my goal… but I’m still dubious. It’s not a for-sure thing in my mind that I’ll be able to complete 40 push-ups, a two-minute forearm plank, or 1,000 jumping jacks, along with the other calisthenic requirements — not even considering the actual curriculum, which I think I do have a pretty good grasp on.
I’ll keep showing up, putting in the work, and pushing forward like I always do. Maybe I’ll surprise myself.
Spoon Theory
I really resonate with the concept of “spoon theory.” I’ve mostly heard it used in reference to people with chronic pain issues or other physical disabilities, but it can apply to anyone, really. The idea is that you start your day with a finite number of resources — willpower, focus, physical energy, what have you — and every action you take over the course of the day requires a certain number of spoons to complete. Some people need more spoons than others to get out of bed in the morning. Some people might get spoons back during their daily commute, if the solitude and the act of driving is something they enjoy, while others might lose a spoon or two between home and work.
It’s been a little surprising to me to learn what parts of my day require more spoons than others. (And sometimes I really shouldn’t have been surprised at all.) After working exclusively from home during the pandemic, then returning to the office for a few days a week starting in the fall of 2021, I discovered that I use a lot of my spoons on an in-office day. Turning on the interpersonal interactions requires spoons, as does switching mental focus from one task to another — or switching from working to talking to a co-worker, then bringing my attention back to my work task.
However, I find that sunshine and natural lighting helps these things require fewer spoons, and can even help replenish my spoons. The same is true for doing meditative tasks like gardening (with a sunshine bonus!), hand-sewing textblocks for notebooks, or hand-mending clothes with my darning loom.
Physical activity can also replenish my spoons, but when I’m low on spoons, I have trouble recognizing and acknowledging that I would really feel better if I went to Krav Maga class, or went into the basement to punch the wave bag and lift some weights, or rolled out my yoga mat and queued up 10 minutes of restorative yoga, or convinced Connor to go on an evening walk with me.
You know what else doesn’t happen if I’m out of spoons? A proper evening wind-down and appropriate sleep hygiene. If I don’t have another responsible adult nearby, I find myself laying on the couch after my son goes to bed, snacking and watching YouTube until long after I should have already been in bed. Yes, my Apple Watch taps me around 9:45pm to remind me that my Wind Down time is commencing, but I usually dismiss it and carry on.
If I don’t have to actively make a decision in any given situation — or if I can get myself into the mindset that there is only a single path forward — I find that it uses fewer spoons. For example, I don’t require many spoons to get out of bed in the morning because my bladder helps make that decision for me. On the other hand, if I’m low on spoons after a Tuesday in the office, I’m less likely to choose to go to Krav Maga class that evening and more likely to order out for dinner instead.
It’s all about mindset. Planning ahead and making decisions for myself when I’m in the right headspace. Clearing obstacles from the path for Future Me. Coming up with ideas for spoon replenishment in advance. Prioritizing tasks that will most benefit myself and my household.
Adulting… It requires spoons.
I Really Don’t Like This.
This has been my vibe this week, and I don’t like it. Not at all.
I’ve been in a spiral of poor eating habits and poor sleep hygiene and bad mood that just feeds on itself. My inner teenager is getting the best of me, letting me sabotage myself by doing whatever I want in the moment — order out because I don’t want to make dinner, stay up late to watch YouTube or play solitaire, ignore my reminders to prep tomorrow’s meals…
Time to be the adult in the room.