Category Archives: mental health

depression, randomness Leave a comment

Life Doesn’t Suck, But Hormones Do

Seriously. The logical part of my brain is clearly indicating that my inability to get to sleep lately, combined with the time of month, is making everything seem epic and insurmountable.

Meanwhile, my amygdala is all, “Screw It.”

Nothing is horrible. Things are generally cool. We booked our vacation recently, which has me pretty excited (except for that whole two-piece swimsuit thing, which I am so not in the right mindset for right now). I’m back on the WW wagon, tracking what I eat and exercising when I can. My son is taking karate and seems to be really enjoying it.

But all the little shit is just piling on, bit by bit.

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depression, randomness Leave a comment

Valid Reasons For Feeling Meh

Blog entry: from the car.

Let’s see how this works out. I’ve never dictated a blog entry using Siri while I was driving, but there’s a first time for everything.

This is actually kind of cool, except for when my phone thinks that I’m done because I pause too long.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about feeling kind of meh today, since it doesn’t happen very often anymore. (Sidenote: it seems that if I don’t use Siri, and instead I just use the microphone, it works pretty well with my Shatner-esque pauses.)

As I was checking my email on the john this morning, I learned that some friends of ours are moving 40 minutes away. They currently live about 5 to 10 minutes from our house. So, that was kind of a bummer for me, although I am super glad for them. It sounds like they’re super excited to move out to the country.

It’s kind of funny, though, because their idea of the perfect place to live is the exact opposite of what we were looking for when we wanted a house. What we wanted was something close to the highway, so we could get places quickly. What they wanted was no neighbors.

Then, when I went to drive my son to school this morning, I saw that it was spitting rain or snow or something in between. I was displeased.

So, I guess I can actually pointed to a couple of good reason why I have that familiar old feeling today. It happens. I’ll get over it.

Edit to add: Also, people who drive 15 mph through downtown infuriate me. Not what I needed.

depression, health & fitness Leave a comment

File Under…

Just checking in from the downtown Starbucks over my lunch break. I haven’t been very active on the blog lately, so I figured I’d take this opportunity to just write a little about whatever comes to mind.

To be honest, my initial thought had been to bitch about how I’ve been feeling kind of meh lately. Not sure if it’s the weird weather lately — is it autumn or isn’t it? — or if it’s hormonal or chemical or if I’m just not getting enough sleep or eating right. Actually, it’s probably all of the above. Surprisingly, though, since I made the decision this morning to pull myself out of it, I’ve felt noticeably better.

My improvement in mood might also have something to do with me getting near the end of my major work project. It’s kind of a big deal, and I’m (more than) kind of proud of my role in it. It’s been a rollercoaster getting to the end of it — last-minute data wonkiness, the mobile piece still not working as expected (which is out of my control), and documentation for days. It’ll be a huge win for me once it gets into production, though. Plus, I’ve really had fun digging into Microsoft Power BI.

Back to my mental health for a moment: it’s funny how just making the decision to turn my week around can make such a huge difference to my attitude. Before Prozac and Wellbutrin, a slump like that would have lasted a good week or more, and I would have beaten myself up over my inability to even locate my bootstraps to start pulling myself up. Now, though, the decision to focus on eating healthier today (after a couple days of doughnuts and cookies and carbiness in general) already has me thinking about how I’d like to sit and meditate tonight, and get to bed early, and how I’ll be able to deal with my son’s own attitude problems so much better when I’m in the right headspace myself.

Last night, after butting heads with my son over bedtime stuff, I found myself watching Good Eats on Amazon and eating a fourth meal and two or three desserts. I knew food wasn’t the answer, but I kept eating, anyway.

(Sidebar: OMG! Good Eats Reloaded premieres on the Cooking Channel on Monday! Can. Not. Wait.)

Tonight? I’ll probably do some tidying up, water some plants that need it, and prep for my NEW COMPUTER that’s arriving this weekend (that’s a story in itself, but my current desktop is some eight years old, so I’m stoked).

Being able to consciously decide not to be in a shitty mood, and to do the things I enjoy doing again, is a huge deal. It’s huge. I keep forgetting how huge it is, because it finally feels normal to me. It’s not until I slip back briefly that I realize how NOT normal it was for me to feel meh all the goddamn time.

Hooray for pharmaceuticals and modern medicine.

depression, writing 1 Comment

Blogging of a Personal Nature

I read an article recently on kottke.org that assured me that I am not, in fact, the last personal (i.e. non-topical) blogger out there. In reading some of the blogs he referenced, I realized that I haven’t been keeping up with regular, “real” updates. Sure, every month I post a Garden Bloggers’ Bloom Day post, and I’ve been getting behind on my Cookbook of the Month posts, and I’ve completely stopped posting monthly weight updates (because what’s the use), and I have several somewhat time-sensitive posts in the queue — mostly about the vacation we took last month. But the old-school life update post has become kind of a rarity lately — which is a shame, since so many minor happenings will slip past undocumented if I’m not careful. I don’t really journal longhand unless I’m trying to work through something I can’t really post online, so if it’s not here, it’s probably not anywhere to be found. Except in my brain, and that’s kind of iffy the older I get.

So, here’s one topic I’ve been meaning to bring up again: depression.

Specifically, treatment via medication.

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depression, family, randomness Leave a comment

Christmas Is Coming

Today was “Polar Express Day” at Connor’s school (jammies FTW!), after which he gifted a box full of homemade cookies to the ladies at the after school program.

Tomorrow is his class’s Winter Party (not the “Christmas Party,” partially because they have children from Jewish and Muslim families in their class), where he’ll be gifting cookies and a gift card to his teacher. (I’ll be there along with some other parents, helping with the festivities.) Come evening, I’ll probably assemble all the recipes for the weekend’s cooking exploits to make sure all the necessary ingredients get on the shopping list.

Saturday, we’ll be doing laundry and grocery shopping (which are normally Sunday tasks), and I’ll be making an old family recipe for Christmas pudding that involves cracker crumbs and takes some four hours in the oven. (I’ve never made it before, so this should be interesting.) I’ll probably also make the cranberry sauce come evening, and we need to take some books back to the library.

Sunday — Christmas Eve — is our family gathering. Before the cooking starts in earnest, though, Connor and I will be going to let a friend’s dog out while they’re out of town for the holiday. Then I’ll be cooking the ham (from frozen, since we don’t have room to thaw it in the fridge, so it’ll take a while longer than usual), and making the side dishes I’ve planned. We’ll be hosting seven adults and two children total, which is the biggest Christmas we’ve had at our house yet. We’ll be opening some gifts, but saving the big ones for Christmas Day.

Monday is Christmas Day, where we open our gifts from Santa and from each other. Connor and I will check the stockings first thing, and our breakfast will likely be the candy Santa has left us (unless I decide to prep some sort of make-ahead bake-in-the-morning breakfast after everyone leaves the night before). Dad will get up around noonish, and maybe we’ll open presents before lunch, but probably after. Lunch will probably be Chinese, because that’s how we roll. It’s kind of a tradition.

I still don’t have the whole Christmas Spirit thing going on yet, though. I’ve felt glimmers of it, like when Connor and I were making cookies this week, or while I was packaging them up for the ladies at Extended Time last night, but… I mean, I’m looking forward to seeing everyone, and this is going to be the last Christmas I’ll get to spend with my Mom for who knows how long, since she and her new husband are moving to Florida come spring.

I’ve felt like this before: last year, for one, and many other years where I haven’t documented the occasion because LA LA LA NOPE I’M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Honestly, I’m really just looking forward to a joyous Christmas Eve with my family and, later, a chill Christmas Day full of presents and Chinese food and leftover ham.